Trump Claims He is a Necromancer

Washington DC (AP) In a remarkable disclosure in the Rose Garden Friday, President Trump announced, “When I arose this morning, I discovered I had the spiritual gift of being able to communicate with the dead. In fact, it was George Floyd who gave me my 11AM wake up call. I said to him, “George thanks so much for rousting me, you can’t believe how much heat the fake news gives me for sleeping in and about my executive time.” I also, told him that I was really upset about the neck thing and even though the police officer who was charged with his death was a Republican who voted for me illegally in 2016, it was no excuse. I assured him that unless new circumstances presented themselves (like bad poll numbers or the release of the long awaited ‘golden showers’ tape, etc.) the possibility of a pardon while unlikely but, not completely out of the question, might become necessary for national security reasons (i.e., the Sheriff Joe case).
Beyond the wake-up call, the President went on to describe that his spiritual connection with George Floyd was most uplifting. I told him, “You would be delighted to be here right now and see the latest employment numbers (I know that they are not that great for your people!) and also the great progress our  police and military are forging with race relations in cities across the nation. Although, domestic thug/terrorists around the country continue to rightfully get the ‘bejesus’ beat out of them for their BS, ACLU,  ‘constitutionally’ protected, right to protest no one else has been killed (yet)! I told him that it was is a tribute to him, because the police now know that if you kneel on a person’s neck for nine minutes or longer, they most likely will die and the police could get in trouble! I slso related that the George Floyd Legacy will be fondly remembered as the ‘No Kneeling on the Neck for an Extended Period of Time’ law enforcement policy reform and it will be proudly taught at police academies across the nation. All because of him!”
When a reporter asked the President how he explained his newly acquired “necromantic gift” he responded by saying it was because of the recent growth in his spirituality—as related in a recent interview with the “never-to-be-nominated-for-a-Pulitzer,” faux newsman Sean Spicer and further reinforced by his fervent fondling of an upside down  bible in front of St. John’s Episcopal church at Tuesday’s “photo op.” The President further observed, “the respect I showed that bible by transporting it in Ivanka’s $29,000 Max Mara handbag also demonstrates my unbounded religiosity and the fact that nobody has ever done more for religion than me.” He shushed and dismissed a reporter who asked if that also included Jesus Christ. And, he quickly went on to say that he “Zoomed” theological giants Robert (Bo Bo) Jeffresses and Franklin (I am not my Dad) Graham to get more clarity on the matter and they reaffirmed that since he was ordained by the Lord to be president, he just has to accept that he is the gifted, chosen one  and when he rids the country of the abominations of abortion, homosexuals and immigrant children he will be truly deserving of his visage sculpted on Mount Rushmore and the ownership of that NFL franchise that he has always been denied.
Apparently the President’s aides were caught by surprise and when asked for further clarification on these astonishing developments, White House Spokesperson Kay (I need to get…) Leighed MagaNinny tried to walk back the President’s remarks by saying, “First, the President doesn’t know nor has ever heard of anybody named George Floyd and more important he has never ever needed a wake-up call in his life. Second, Necromancy is an insidious, false invention of the unscrupulous left-wing Democrats led by that witch Nancy Pelosi and abetted by a fake press who are trying to make the “greatest president who ever breathed” look bad. Finally, why would the President ever be attracted to a bunch of NFL kneeling losers. You mark my words Senator Graham will be investigating this travesty and  Obama will be proven to be the mastermind of this scurrilous sham and will do jail time.” 

Author: Lew Tuck

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