WALLACE:
Hi Donald! I hear you wanted me to interview you. You must be on something. How’s all that ‘smash the MIC’ shit workin’ out for ya?
TRUMP:
Hm. Hmgh. HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!
WALLACE:
Having fun?
TRUMP:
HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!
…
Owch.
WALLACE:
Shall I leave you in peace?
TRUMP:
When I said I’m gonna smash the MIC, I really meant to say ‘crack!’ Now my administration is not to be sniffed at! Incredible.
WALLACE:
Trying not to sniff too hard. I guess when you’re the most powerful two-legged satsuma in the world, and there’s nobody to tell you you need to shower, it’s pretty tough.
TRUMP:
I’m the cleanest man in the world. Believe me, nobody showers like the Donald. I shower so good, I’m already sick of showering! The Donald has the best words, the best showers. Nobody ever done grammar as good as the Donald!
WALLACE:
Anyway, as for the drugs policy…
TRUMP:
You… would not… believe… the size of the pink elephant just crawled out of my ass! It was YUUUUUGE! You can trust me on that one.
WALLACE:
Any chance we could know if you have an actual policy document, or if this is just…
TRUMP:
I found the purple leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. He had a pathetic bank balance. Pathetic!
WALLACE:
Yes, but who is actually helping you devise a…
TRUMP:
We have all kinds of people coming here from Asgard: druggies, stoners, crack peddlers. Some of them are good people!
WALLACE:
This is really not good. I think I’ll go and get a nice ethically sourced gluten-free vegan latte. You know anywhere in town does this stuff?
TRUMP:
Chocolate Peppermint Wonderland. Disgusting place. I’m gonna build a wall. Let the Gram fairies pay for it!
WALLACE
…
Try and lay off the Easy D next time.
TRUMP: Nobody does Easy D like the… HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!
WALLACE: Well, I think I’ll leave it at that.