Four-on-the-Floor-a-Scopes (Hotrod Horoscopes)

We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even hot-rodding freaks like you, ya guzzler head!Four-on-the-Floor-a-Scopes (Hotrod Horoscopes)

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – Your daddy will say “Son, you are going to drive me to drinking” if you do not stop driving that hot-rod Lincoln.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – You’ll realize that your gun rack looks terrible in your IROC, but to hell with what others think and to hell with the stars.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – never ever applies to Sagittarius’s. You guys totally gobble donkey balls. You and your Geo Metros.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You’ll briefly consider the virtue of an automatic transmission and a car that gets more than 8 miles to the gallon, but don’t worry, you’ll burn out a hundred feet of screaming rubber and come to your senses.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Your friend will suggest “punch it dude” when mullet-man challenges you in his El Camino and you so totally will.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) – Using the rule of “Heaviest Gets Right of Way” will land you in jail week when you seize your long awaited opportunity to merge aggressively in to a pair of ten-speeding Mormon missionaries.

Aries: (March 21-April 19) – Your V8 rumbles like a Bayliner and your girl calls your hoopty wreck a boat. From now on, insist that everyone call you captain.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) – Calling all rice burners “Jap-Crap” you’ll race for the pink slip on Tuesday only to resume commuting on a Schwinn Wednesday.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) – Despite what proponents say about the weight of a 472 Caddy big-block, you know you’ll take the drags with a four-barrel if you don’t break out� oh yeah, and you’re a car geek.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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