Woman “Powdering Nose” Actually Taking Big Ol’ Dump

SAN FRANCISCO – While on a dinner date with Oakland resident Robert Madison, 25, Eva Truman, 24, excused herself, claiming she had to powder her nose. Subsequent investigation, though, has revealed an ulterior motive to her bathroom visit Tuesday night.

“Yeah, I said I had to powder my nose, but I lied,” said Truman. “I actually had to take one big ol’ dump.”

After leaving the table, Truman walked slowly toward the bathroom until out of view of Madison. She then bolted for the first stall she could find.

“I really had to shit something rotten, let me tell you,” she said. “I ran as fast as I could. The front line was advancing, for real.”

Ear witnesses recognized the sounds as those not of one powdering a nose, but of mammoth defecation.

“I heard someone rush into the stall next to me and then there were loud, orgasmic groans and plops, said Janice Mejia, who was using the facilities at the time.

“It was terribly loud,” said Herbert Brown, who was using the phone outside the bathroom. “I knew she must have been hatching some kind of serious trooper.”

Truman, although deceitful, is not ashamed.

“It felt incredible,” she said. “I loved everything about it: the sudden release of pressure, the noise, the water splashing back up onto my ass–everything.”

Truman then went back to the table to complete her conversation and meal as if nothing had happened.

“She looked radiant,” said Madison. “It was as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off her.”

But when he found out about the lie, Madison vowed to never speak with Truman again.

“I cannot be around people like that,” he said. “If you have to ride the porcelain pony, just say it. I can accept it. I’m a man.”

“I was just trying to be gracious,” she said. “I didn’t know I would be ostracized. It was worth it anyway. That was one hell of a satisfying shit.”

Author: Rudager P. Marshall

Born in W. Virginia, on March 18, 1922, to a coal mining family, Rudager P. Marshall quickly grew tired of listening to his father complain about aristocrats throwing cigarette filters and lit fireworks down the mine shafts while he labored. As he entered his twilight years, he began work on construction of The Rail, a paper with the most ideological biases of any news source in the history of the world. Whether it be the wit of the oligarchy, the hilarity of communism, or the downright goofiness and tomfoolery of fascism, The Rail covers it.