Tag Archive | "vampires"

Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires


Mosquitoes are evil little geniuses.

They are adept enough to fly up, whine in your ear, then take off laughing as you whip yourself in the head trying to swat them.

They know how to hold a victim in suspense as they flit about having the wiles to dodge the hand raised in self defense. Read the full story

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Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race


Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Read the full story

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Something Unspeakable Happening On the AK Coast


Cordova, Alaska 8:35 AM- There has been an apparent series of attacks on residents in the small Alaska coastal town of Cordova, approximately 100 miles south of Valdez, Alaska. More on this as we get it.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, Alaska 8:50 AM- Anchorage radio station AUNK has reported that the local police in Cordova, Alaska have been alerted to a series of attacks on citizens in various parts of the town that may be coordinated. Individuals appear to have been attacked by unknown assailants in numerous attacks. There is rumor that this could a form of terrorist attack. Read the full story

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Furor Over Vampire-Werewolf Prom Date


May 19, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South America correspondent in hiding.

In addition to the ever present mosquitoes, the air is thick with tension in this peaceful Southern town, regarding next week’s Prom. The Yagonawana County School board voted in 2007 to make provisions for attendance by home schooled graduates, but no one anticipated the firestorm now unfolding.

Home schooled Lucinda Deveraux, described by ‘Tammy’s Tans’ owner Tammy Baker as “really pretty if you like ‘em raw biscuit colored” has announced she’ll attend with escort Jude Frampton. Read the full story

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Dems Respond to Vampire Corruption Charges


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — It began with whispers and raised eyebrows, then quickly became a prairie fire. So far only the venerable Helen Thomas, speaking at D.C.’s popular Make It Look Like a Business Expense Bistro, has found courage to say that this may be our generation’s Watergate, or worse. Read the full story

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Berkeley Sociologists Urge Americans to Stay the Hell Away from Alaska


Since learning of Phil Harris’ death a few weeks ago, sociologists from U.C. Berkeley have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life — and more importantly, death — in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings. Read the full story

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Warning!: Bank Zombies Out to Get You!


A new, terrifying species of vampire has been discovered that has begun a feeding frenzy throughout the world. The horrifying part is that it haunts the least likely of places, your local bank!

This vampire is a new one for the books. It feeds not off your body’s lifeforce, blood, but rather your economic lifeforce, money. These are the financial bloodsuckers, the bankers who, unable to draw their living from realms outside their immediate domains due to the deep recession, now must feed off the very customers who use their services. Read the full story

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