Tag Archive | "retirement"

When They Go Low, I Go High (President Obama is Having a Pretty Chill Retirement)


chrisvila.com
@vilachumley

Our correspondent, Don Lemon of CNN, caught up with the former President Barack Obama in his first interview since Donald Trump took office.

Don Lemon: What have you been up to these past few weeks, Barack?

Obama: Look around, Don. Just me and a few friends, hanging out on Necker Island…

British Virgin Islands…

You know, Branson’s private island. Oh man, warm and sunny…

Reminds me of my days in Hawaii.

I couldn’t take any more of that “Rancho Mirage Presidential Retreat” place for more than a few days. Been there six times already…

And the weather sucked. California rain? Please…

And folks everywhere.

DL: So what’s the deal here, Barack?

BO: Necker Island? Well, Richard has been a long-time advocate of legal weed.

We met at the White House in 2012 after Dave Cameron came…

Do you remember when Sir Richard joked about asking me for a spliff at that panel discussion? He wasn’t joking. My kind of guy. We just hit it off and I’ve been counting down the days since. When you make it to the top…

That spotlight…

Man, I need that downtime…

Eight friggin’ years…

Serious shit every day…

Hey Don, does it smell like Ferguson?

[LAUGHTER]

DL: Hahahaha. Don’t bust my chops…

I thought i was reporting the scene…

Called it as I saw it.

BO:

Well, that shit’s got to stop!

(LAUGHTER)

… Narc!

Anyways, 2012…

My friend David Maranis wrote that book about my high school years.

I had turned fifty and he reminded me of times…

The Choomwagon, total absorption…

Intercepting joints…

Those were the best years of my life!…

I’m here now, you know what I mean?

DL: And what’s your average day look like?

BO: Well, it’s about “me time…”

I’ve earned it…

Like some midlife crisis…

But better!

I sleep as late as I want…

I’ll read some Borowitz or some GlossyNews. Kick it with one of eight kinds of cereals…

Do you know how hard it is to get BooBerry or Count Chocula?

(LAUGHTER)

… My day doesn’t really start until 4:20.

(LAUGHTER)

I might shoot hoops with Reggie Love… That’s his real name.

(LAUGHTER)

I like my Arugula Salad with jerk chicken. I’ll wash it down with Jamaican Red Stripe Beer and watch the sun go down… Are you feelin’ me?”

DL: Yeah Potus, the islands… Hey, didn’t Michelle just leave here last week to DC with Sasha?

BO: Michelle went. I got her a sweet huge “rental…”

(LAUGHTER)

8,200 square feet in the Kalorama District … I’m having a good time here with Richard… He runs his empire from here…

You know, I can tweet from here, set up my foundation from here…

Don, you know how popular I am, right? So many things I can do…

I’m thinking crazy stuff like writing for Wallace, maybe a regular column…

Or starting a show…

Filmed from right here…

You know it’s gonna work

(LAUGHTER)

… Maybe something like “WWOD, What Would Obama Do?”

(LAUGHTER)

I really have this Dave Chappelle thing in mind… Me as Nixon… Cheney… Russians …

(LAUGHTER)

I’m gonna call it “When They Go Low, I Go High!”

(LOTS OF LAUGHTER)
Michelle came up with that… I’m telling you Don, I’m done with politics!

… Hey what time is it? … Don, you got to go!

(FALL DOWN LAUGHTER)

chrisvila.com
@vilachumley

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The Price That Makes A Joke Of All Life


Just how much is to be expected out of a human in this so-called great United States of America of ours?

My mother worked hard all her life, either raising four children in a rat-assed Midwest dying industrial town or living her lonely life after the ugly divorce from a man who had been unfaithful once the kids were grown and gone.

At a certain time there should be a period of rest and retirement in ones life, or at least it was that way in the America she grew up in in the 30’s and 40’s. She ended up working until shortly before her death at the age of 82. And that is having to work HARD. Read the full story

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The secret to happiness: Always remain twenty-three


Great news for all of you who have passed the big 50 milestone and are depressed that the best part of life may have passed you by. It has, of course, but be patient. In just 19 years you’ll feel happy again. That’s the findings of a recent study by the London School of Economics. The study determined that 23 and 69 are the two ages at which people are the most satisfied with their lives. And every age in between pretty much sucks.

According to the study’s findings, we experience several up and down periods, peaking at age 23 before dipping in a long, slow decline of satisfaction with our lives by our mid-50s, after which age our happiness rebounds, peaking again just before age 70. After that, for most of us, there really is no point to go on living. So if you’re planning on having a mid-life crisis, the study suggests 55 is the perfect age to plan on having your world shatter into a million meaningless pieces.

Why 23 and 69? Because they’re prime numbers? Good guess but no. (And to those of you who just got out your calculators and figured out that 69 is not a prime number, congratulations.) According to the study, at 23 you are confidently picturing an optimistic future of wealth and career success, probably with an attractive life partner and 2.5 well-behaved kids who get into Princeton on a full-ride merit scholarship. Perhaps you’re already envisioning that second home in the Hamptons or on Cape Cod.

Statistically speaking, you can expect to reach your apex of happiness somewhere around July of your 23rd year, which is about the time you’ll get your first raise and impulsively purchase that Audi S6 (starting price $71,900). Shortly afterwards, your happiness begins to ebb, as you soon realize you’ll never be able to afford the $530 / month car payments and trade it in for a Hyundai Elantra.

Happiest ages - 55 year oldBy age 55, your life, statistically speaking, has changed a lot from your Audi S6 glory days. You’re probably hoping your Elantra with 177,000 miles will make it to 200,000, w, wondering if your wife is going to leave you for a younger man, and barely squeaking by on your unfulfilling job in a telemarketing call center. You’re counting the days until your 2.5 annoying, self-absorbed teenagers have moved out of the house and have self-absorbed kids of their own.

When you hit 55, you realize your life is a hollow shell of the life you’d planned back at age 23. The high point of your day is most likely watching Wheel of Fortune after a dinner which consists of leftover cold pizza from the lunch you ate while you were chained to your cubicle, answering phone calls from irate customers demanding a refund for the penis enlarger you sold them which they now complain doesn’t work.

But don’t lose hope. It gets better – not much better, mind you, but a little. Fast-forward to 69, and life gets rosier again. For many of us, by 69, we’ve made peace with the dismal failure our career has been, like writing a humor blog that at its peak had 11 readers. For many of us, by now we’ve been forced into retirement and spend our days weeding and looking at brochures for exotic European vacations we’ve accepted we will never be able to afford and settling instead for a trip to Scranton to see our brother whose family we’ve never particularly liked.

At 69, life for many starts to feel surprisingly pleasurable, thanks in part to the pain meds they gave you after your hip replacement surgery which keep your brain in a constant state of euphoric buzz and help you forget about the fact that in just a few more months, you’ll turn 70 years old and the high point of your month will soon become the senior early bird special at Olive Garden.

Interestingly, a competing study argues we reach our peak happiness at age 33. But this study has been widely refuted by demography experts, who point out that John Belushi, Chris Farley, Eva Perón and Jesus Christ all died at age 33 – hardly a time of peak happiness for any of these notable celebrities.

And now for some FUN FACTS. Did you know…?

Happiest ages - WeinerFUN FACT: Other factors can influence your level of happiness besides your age, including whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, whether God gave you a body like Brad Pitt or one like George Costanza and whether or not you listened to your wife back in 2004 when she told you to buy 10,000 shares of Google stock when it was trading at just $60 a share.

FUN FACT: In the Inuit culture of Arctic Canada, elderly tribe members are known to be extremely happy at age 69 – in part because they no longer have to hunt and fish for their daily meals, thanks to their revered status, and in part because they know they have at least more three years before they’ll be abandoned to die alone on a remote ice floe.

FUN FACT: According to one demographic researcher, our happiest age was The Age of Enlightenment, but we’re pretty sure he didn’t quite understand the question.

This study’s findings have even helped some progressive business owners with their staffing strategies. Forward-thinking CEOs know that happy employees do the best work. And since the happiest employees are 23, increasingly, executives are only hiring 23-year-olds… and then firing them when they turn 24 – because they know that by age 24, those employees are going to have developed a serious attitude problem, and keeping them around is just not good for team morale.

So what should you do if you’re about to turn 24 and about to begin your slow descent into despair? First, just be thankful you’re not 55 – those poor bastards. Second, seriously consider remaining 23. Jack Benny successfully remained 39 for more than a quarter century (back before researchers discovered how miserable life was at 39).

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97-Year-Old Walmart Employee Granted Early Retirement


Norma Harris, 97, of Rogers, Arkansas, will be granted early retirement from her full time position as a Walmart greeter after 44 years of employment with the mega-retailer.

Harris will be the first person in Walmart history to be paid early retirement, which she will receive despite the fact that she’s too young and hasn’t accumulated enough work-hours to qualify for Walmart’s retiree benefits program. Walmart hosted a press conference/retirement party at Harris’ home to announce their unprecedented decision. Read the full story

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Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170


A new computer application available to baby boomers, who are now reaching retirement age at the rate of 10,000 a day, allows optimistic boomers to plan for an affluent retirement at the ripe old age of 170.

The program allows the user to type in variables such as amount of current savings, expected expenses such as healthcare and amount of desired disposable income. After the user hits the “calculate” button, they can see what age they will have enough money to keep from starving to death in a rundown shack. Read the full story

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21/12/2012: Oprah-Geddon Approaches


2012 is coming – approaching fast. A time to be afraid – very afraid – as the threadbare cliché goes. Actually I’d advise you to be more than very afraid – shit-scared would be more appropriate, in point in fact.

21/12/2012 – the end of the World as we know it – and all thanks to Oprah Winfrey. Read the full story

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Social Security Poor-a-scopes


At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we’d like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just how poor it is that you’ll be when it comes time for you to unsuccessfully retire. Enter Zojack and his horoscopey brilliance in these, the social security poorascopes. Read the full story

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