Tag Archive | "obama"

World Disappointed Apocalypse Didn’t Come December 2012


It is hard to believe that is has been almost a year since the world ended December 21, 2012. There are plenty of memories we would all like scrubbed from our brains over the past year. Here are just a few in a long list of forgettable moments.

December 4, 2013: NBC News states that America is “21th in Science.” It was to everyone’s surprise that the USA ranked 17th in Reading. This was proof of the ever declining IQ of the average American. Read the full story

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Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses


WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read the full story

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Kris Kringle Appointed Head of NSA


Phoenix, AZ- He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Now he hears who you are talking to so be good for goodness sake.

The “Jolly Old Man,” otherwise known as Kris Kringle has been appointed to the coveted Director of the National Security Agency replacing Keith Alexander.

This new partnership between Washington and the North Pole will help both parties as this gives Santa new tools to add people to his naughty list. Read the full story

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New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game


You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other.

It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate or that you usually watch Duck Dynasty in the nude, but new allegations are coming forth about the game being linked to the Obama Administration and the NSA’s secret wiretapping scandal. Read the full story

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Emergency Rooms Filled with Victims of Thumb Amputations


Hospitals and 911 phone banks were overwhelmed Saturday night when 16% of the nation lost its thumbs. “It was mass chaos,” said Doctor Anne Fulbright at Dallas General Hospital.

“All of sudden all these thumbless white people showed up spurting blood all over the place.” Nurse Socket, a thirty-three year veteran of the emergency room, nodded in agreement. “We just wrapped their hands and kept at it until we were using bed sheets.” Read the full story

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Republicans Smoking Too Much Weed Again


Once again Republicans have been having drug deliriums from smoking too much weed. With regards to the stalemate on the shutting down the government (by the way, the WRONG parts of the government have gotten shut down- why are these guys still in the Congressional Hall arguing and not out filing for unemployment?) they have been claiming that the Obama administration has been refusing to negotiate and unwilling to extend a hand across the aisle. Read the full story

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Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy


CAMBRIDGE – A new policy ratified by Harvard Law School will ensure that admissions officers do not discriminate against candidates on account of their stupidity.

The fresh statute includes a clause which says “No heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, genderfluid or transfag admissions staffer may disqualify a candidate on account of stupidity, which includes low academic performance or general inability to function intelligently in a difficult situation.” Read the full story

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John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey


John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling.

“I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any lines in the sand,” he said at a press conference, barely managing to stand alongside fellow members of the GOP leadership. “There’s isn’t any boundaries here, muffins off the table, butter there’s a lil-little something under the table! Hah!!” Read the full story

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Obama Meets with Republicans; Shows Them His Spine


President Barack Obama finally sat down with John Boehner and Mitch McConnell to discuss how to end the stalemate over the funding of government. Unfortunately, neither side could make the concessions needed to end the standoff.

Upon leaving the meeting about an hour after it started, Obama gave a quick press conference in which he shared with the world that, he does have a spine. Read the full story

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Obama Lets His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre


It was a phone call that President Obama didn’t want to make, but he knew he would eventually have to. He also knew that it would do little good, but that it had to be made anyway. So, on Wednesday, he did. And he was right.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

“Good day, Mr. LaPierre. How are you doing today?”

“Oh, I was OK until you called.” Read the full story

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Overpass for Impeachment Collapses


Karma struck on the I-5 Interstate in Carlsbad, California yesterday when one of the “Overpasses for Impeachment” collapsed, sending 12 people to the hospital.

According to federal databases, the freeway overpass had recently been graded “functionally obsolete” but still legally safe to drive on from the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) as recently as September 2009. Read the full story

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Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move


In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House.

When reached for comment, President Obama said:

“In order to better serve our country, I need to have a clearer view of our future.”

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Assad agrees to cooperate in “symbolic strike” against Syria


The Assad regime in Syria today agreed to cooperate in a “symbolic strike” against itself. “We understand the need for the U.S. to maintain its prestige and credibility,” said a Syrian government official, on condition of anonymity, “and if bombing some unused installation in the middle of nowhere will make them feel better, we’re willing to help.”

RIGHT: Tomahawk missile on a symbolic mission. [CLICK TO ENLARGE] Read the full story

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Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria


Despite a Reuters/Ipsos poll showing that only 9% of Americans support military intervention in Syria, the White House today assured the public that a more recent and reliable poll leaves no doubt that the President’s constituency favors war.

The poll was conducted by Defense Industries Systems Information, Inc. (DIS Information). It shows that 99.9% prefer increased U.S. military intervention. The poll has a .1% margin of error. DIS Information spokesperson Lyon Daly spoke to this reporter about the polling methodology and findings.

RIGHT: Obama supporters discuss Syria options. Read the full story

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Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council


Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and creative ways of advancing Israel’s agenda are often rewarded with career advancement.)

RIGHT: Samantha Power completes her training. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Historic compromise – Snowden and Obama both to stand trial


This reporter has learned from confidential sources that have top security clearance and a ticket to Hong Kong that there will be a major compromise in the Snowden case.

Mr. Snowden, who has been indicted for espionage, theft and conversion of government property, has agreed to be extradited and stand trial before the U.S. Supreme Court in exchange for a reciprocal arrangement from the U.S. government. The U.S. would agree to turn over President Barack Obama to stand trial for violation of the fourth amendment rights of 313,914,040 American citizens as well as the killing of 4606 civilians in drone assassinations in at least six countries. Read the full story

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