Tag Archive | "obama"

Joe Biden Smacked on Nose, Sent Back to Cage


Washington, DC – Vice President Joe Biden found himself in hot water Monday evening, after his latest verbal faux pas. While being interviewed by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Biden referred to House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) as “a sawed-off, four-eyed runt who doesn’t understand that you have to spend money to get out of debt.”  

Though the comment earned a hearty guffaw from Matthews, one of the two handlers assigned to Biden by the Obama administration promptly smacked the Vice President on the nose with a newspaper and ordered him back to his portable cage. Read the full story

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Obama Drones On About Using US Military Power in Libya


With France and England approving the use of attack helicopters, President Barack Obama rejected the idea but continued his commitment of using Predator Drone unmanned aircraft against forces loyal to Moammar Gadhafi. Obama continues to cite his decision to use US military power against Gadhafi as a turning point in his Presidency. Read the full story

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Obamacare to Include Mood Ring Mandate?


As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to an untreated infection.

Sources close to the White House say nitpicking certain provisions from the Affordable Health Care Act is nothing but political posturing, while those on the other side of the debate call them obstructionist extremists. Read the full story

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Santorum Claims Name is Century-Old Boner


ON THE ROAD: IOWA —BobZaguy Rick Santorum is said to be making some amazing preparations to formally declare his candidacy for 2012. “I want to say publicly that I will make a major announcement regarding my plans for the GOPTea nomination in the week of June 5,” he said to a small handful of reporters.

“I will also engage in the debate at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire. I do have two important jobs to do before this can happen,” he explained. Read the full story

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Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society


Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Read the full story

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Posted in Health, ScienceComments (3)

Usama bin Laden, a Touching Eulogy


VARIOUSLY AROUND D.C. — GlossyNews.com Trump is really pissed — he felt that only 8 years of ‘Mission Accomplished’ was not long enough to have any impact. He said, “America needs a real someone to hate.

I thought I had 2012 sealed in a jar with the Birth Certificate issue but that was blown away when he made it public last week. Much to my displeasure, I had to take all the credit for that reveal. But we lost our one best universal hate. All we, as a country, had left to hate was bin Laden — now a dead bin Laden. What’s to hate there?” Read the full story

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Yet Another Black Mark Against Obama- He’s a Lefty!


Yet another criticism of our “fearless leader” has been brought to light by those forces who are ever vigilant on keeping an eye on those treacherous liberal elements that have infested and are now running our great country.

It has come to surface that Omnipotent Obama is left handed! As we all know, things of the left hand are often associated with evil or inferiority. In Japan, left handed children were be killed because they were considered evil. Read the full story

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New Obama Program Pays You to Burn Down Your House


Asheville, North Carolina (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

In his latest bid to pump up the economy before the 2012 election, President Obama introduced a new program, “Bucks for Burn Downs,” that will pay financially troubled homeowners to burn down their own homes. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, PoliticsComments (6)

Subsidi-Farm Ramps up Medical Marijuana Production to Fund Libyan War


Cultivation of the US Government’s own strain of cannabis known as mellow-yellow by a government-sanctioned agricultural group known as Subsidi-Farm is being ramped up in order to help raise money for the latest war in Libya. The coffers are running dry when it comes to funding social programs, medical health programs and education, but with this latest source of income, the President hopes to stave off any criticism for borrowing more heavily from the Chinese to maintain our presence in 3 wars. Read the full story

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Posted in Top Stories, War ZoneComments (0)

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers


Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Read the full story

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Obama’s Othello “Obamothello” Debuts in Lib Stronghold


Debuting next Saturday in the liberal bastion of hedonism known as San Francisco, this travesty on the English language, brought to you by deep-pocket interests from the left fringe, who somehow feel it’s acceptable to rewrite the great texts to suit their own purposes, will make its stage debut. We won’t even give the theater (or theatre, as they prefer to be called,) the courtesy of link. They know what they’ve done. Read the full story

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Posted in Entertainment, PoliticsComments (10)

NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal


A visibly distraught NASA Director Sharon Love spoke to reporters this week about what she called ‘that stupid thing with space aliens.’

“Look, I seriously don’t have time for this. My assignment is outreach to the Muslim world, period. When the boss hears I’ve been doing ‘space crap’ it’s not going to be pretty. He’s not so lovey-dovey since ditching the Marlboros, I’ll tell you that. The President’s management style is a lot like LBJ with a bad hangover lately. But since there are flying saucers currently hovering over all major cities on Earth, it’s damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” Read the full story

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Posted in Science, Top StoriesComments (2)

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Aretha Sang It, Obama Shows It


For all you can say for or against Barack Obama as President, there is one huge thing can be said in his favor. He has returned a forgotten key ingredient of crucial diplomatic etiquette to the forefront and that is RESPECT (say it loud just like Aretha Franklin did).

The idea of respect, (or, if that is too much to ask, then at least its little brother REGARD) has been trounced and forgotten in recent decades and even ridiculed. Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (3)

Medical Marijuana to be Grown in White House Garden this Year


WASHINGTON, D.C. – It is the first week of February, and for Michelle Obama, this means it is time to start planning the White House organic garden. While the garden will again contain a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as a few ornamental flowers, a new addition is sure to create the most controversy ever.

The White House organic garden will include several varieties of medical marijuana. Read the full story

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Posted in HealthComments (54)

Limbaugh Weasels Out of Another One


Much to the delight of his listening audience, crow connoisseur, Rush Limbaugh has claimed that Arizona shooter, Jared Lee Loughner is not insane, but psychic.

“It’s true,” the egg-splattered Limbaugh proclaimed Wednesday, while doing a mind-bending radio segment about repealing the Job-killing Obamacare Plan for Dirty Illegal Mexicans and Other Parasites. Read the full story

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Earmarks Replaced by Posthumous Pardons; Many Dead Delighted


“It was going to be a discontented winter, but now it looks like glorious summer” said incoming Congressman Richard Plantagenet on the new GOP voter outreach plan.

Speaking from his house in York, PA this week, the Tea Party favorite and former florist was proudly modest in explaining how the 112th Congress will rewrite history, literally. Read the full story

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