Tag Archive | "obama"

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obamymorons! (They’re not what you think!)


Announcer: Today’s guest on “Yucky World” will be noted political consultant and lexicologist W.C. “Scoop” Pooper. He will be discussing a new political term, Obamymoron, with our talk show hosts Dick and Janey.

Janey: Welcome, Scoop.

Dick: Hey, what’s the latest poop, Scoop? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Scoop: Well, President Obama has finally stepped in it this time with the Sergeant Bergdahl trade!

Dick: I’m not surprised. That’s what happens when you lead with your bee-hind.

Janey: Please, Dick! What’s an Obamymoron, Scoop?

Scoop: It’s when people realize that what you said or did contradicts reality.

Dick: Like Bergdahl was so near death that the President didn’t have time to consult Congress?

Scoop: Right!

Dick: Then “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” would also be an Obamymoron?

Scoop: Absolutely! But it doesn’t have to be something President Obama said or did.

Janey: How about “Read my lips! No new taxes”?

Scoop: Exactly! Obamymorons can be bi-partisan!

Dick: What about Susan Rice saying Bergdahl was “captured on the battlefield” and “served the United States with honor and distinction”?

Scoop: That’s a double Obamymoron. Those are hard to do!

Dick: Not for Rice. Don’t forget her Obamymoron that the attack in Benghazi started out as a protest over a video.

Janey: I’m a little concerned that some people might think the term Obamymoron is racist.

Scoop: You know, it’s really just a play on the word oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp”. Obamymorons are very similar to oxymorons; they both have built-in contradictions!

Dick: And no one’s ever said that using the term oxymoron meant a person was prejudiced against oxen.

Janey: Ri-i-ght, Dick. But why pick on Obama?

Scoop: Because he’s so easy. Remember when Obama said he was against presidential signing statements being attached to bills and that his administration would be the most transparent ever?

Dick: Obamymorons!

Janey: But sometimes reality is different from what you expected.

Scoop: Yeah! And when reality gets in the way of transparency, and Bush can’t be blamed, you can always crash Lois Lerner’s IRS computer!

Dick: Look at the President’s goal of equal pay for men and women. The problem was, for Obama’s White House staff, women only earned 88% of what men did!

Scoop: Obamymoron!

Dick: How about “I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Lewinsky”?

Scoop: Doink! That’s not an Obamymoron!

Dick: Doink! Huh?

Janey: Clinton had sex with her, Dick, not sexual relations.

Dick: I’m confused.

Janey: About sex? I’m not surprised.

Scoop: Clinton was being a lawyer and parsing words.

Janey: Speaking of parsing words, our sponsors have just sent us an email indicating that they would like to have an Obamymoron contest.

Dick: Just email your Obamymorons to us here at the station.

Scoop: Will there be prizes?

Dick: Everyone who enters is guaranteed a free IRS audit!

Scoop: What about special prizes for the best responses?

Janey: For second place, your audit will be conducted in the Rose Garden.

Dick: And you will get a free beer compliments of the President.

Scoop: I’m afraid to ask what first place wins.

Dick: A one week all expenses paid vacation to Qatar where you will stay with the Taliban Five at their safe house.

Janey: Wouldn’t a Taliban safe house be a…

Scoop: Yes! …An oxymoronic Obamymoron!!

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President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers


Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody bought it, of course, but he still said it.

What the President meant to say was that if any of those responsible for denying care to veterans worked in the private sector, they would be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Read the full story

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Feds to tax bowling jackpots!


Announcer: With the federal highway system continuing to deteriorate, President Obama has been looking for new ways to raise money including collecting tolls on the Interstates. Administration tax specialist Mr. I.R. Esse will be discussing this with Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of “Yucky World”.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Esse. Read the full story

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Congress Declares Global War on ‘The Heebie-Jeebies’


WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.”

After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets. Read the full story

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Obama’s foreign policy of “Follow the Follower” isn’t working!


Announcer: President Obama’s foreign policy has come under serious scrutiny lately. Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be discussing this with retired U.S. State Department diplomat J. Foghill Bottom.

Janey: You’re considered to be one of the deans of American diplomacy, Mr. Bottom. To what do you attribute your success? Read the full story

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Russian Jets Enter Ukraine Airspace, Top Gun’s Maverick Dispatched to Region


Washington, D.C. – As tensions continue to escalate between Russia and Ukraine, Russian President Putin has ordered his fighter jet pilots to flirt with crossing into Ukrainian airspace to tempt a response from the smaller country.

In response, President Obama has assured the Ukrainians that the United States has their back and, to prove it, he has ordered Maverick from the hit 80’s movie “Top Gun” to patrol the region. Read the full story

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Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare


Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night.

The decision was a tough one and President Obama said the choice came down to Flo or the Geico Gecko. “I mean, they’re both already in the insurance industry, right? And things aren’t going so well with Obamacare right now so it seemed like a no-brainer,” the President said Read the full story

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Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!


Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you, Janey.

Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?

Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!

Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.

Dick: Really!

Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.

Dick: Does that include moose?

Obama: You have a moose for a pet?

Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.

Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?

Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”

Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?

Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.

Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.

Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.

Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.

Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?

Obama: I blame those insurance devils!

Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?

Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.

Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?

Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.

Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.

Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!

Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.

Janey: Have you made any other important calls?

Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.

Janey: And?

Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.

Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.

Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.

Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.

Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.

Dick: Weasel words!

Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!

Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?

Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?

Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.

Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.

Obama: Exactly!

Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.

Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!

Janey: Huh?

Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.

Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?

Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.

Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.

Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.

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Obama Delays Holidays Until After Election


(Washington, D.C.) – On Friday, President Obama pushed back making a decision on the long debated Keystone XL Pipeline until after the upcoming 2014 midterm elections.

Worried about upsetting his core constituencies, Mr. Obama decided that while he had his pen and phone out he would make a few other executive decisions as well.

Since it was too late to do anything about Easter, the President decided to push the observances of Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and Labor Day back to the middle of November and after the election. Read the full story

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MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President


(Palm Springs, CA) – After nearly six years of denial, MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews, has finally checked himself into rehab due to the “tingles” he experiences whenever he sees, hears or meets President Barack Obama.

Matthews has been afflicted with the condition, an extremely rare condition involving a sensation he feels up his leg at the mere mention of the President, and traditional western medicine has been unable to come up with a suitable treatment plan or cure for the disorder. Read the full story

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President Obama Promotes Healthcare.gov with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel


WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.”

The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline. Read the full story

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White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea


In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula.

“The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian trucks are moving into Crimea.

CIA human assets on the ground have since discovered they are filled with weapons of mass destruction.” said Carney.

“President Obama has called for an emergency session of the UN Security Council and is presently conferring with NATO and G7 partners on how to respond to the situation.”

This morning dozens of US and British warships, including one French support vessel, were seen moving into the Black Sea and taking up positions off the coast of Crimea.

Carney continued “The Russians used banned weapons in WWII against the Nazis and if they used them once they may use them again.  President Obama and the American people are resolved that the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation will not go unpunished.  The United States will use any means at our disposal, including the invasion of a sovereign nation,  to insure WMDs are neutralized, international laws upheld and aggressors brought to justice.”

When asked whether the WMDs were chemical or biological  Carney responded “The situation is fluid but at the present time we believe it to be borscht”.

photo credit: U.S. Coast Guard via Photopin, CC

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Fifteen Things That Turned Obama’s Hair Grey


There are many factors within the fray,
that have turned our Presidents hair to grey.
Pundits, done-thats and patriots galore
seek to sabotage him evermore…

These are the things that have turned our fearless leader’s head from black to grey in only five short years:

15 – Having Military Generals whisper to him that ‘they would do a Kennedy’ on him if he so much as tried to close Guantanamo Bay. Read the full story

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A Low Point for President Jesus


WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in the United States.

House and Senate Republicans continued to pound the president over the implementation of his administration’s signature Love Thy Neighbor Act, commonly referred to as Jesuscare. Read the full story

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World Disappointed Apocalypse Didn’t Come December 2012


It is hard to believe that is has been almost a year since the world ended December 21, 2012. There are plenty of memories we would all like scrubbed from our brains over the past year. Here are just a few in a long list of forgettable moments.

December 4, 2013: NBC News states that America is “21th in Science.” It was to everyone’s surprise that the USA ranked 17th in Reading. This was proof of the ever declining IQ of the average American. Read the full story

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Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses


WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read the full story

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