After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming.

As the head of a team assigned by Congress, Dr. Dietrich managed over a dozen mathematicians and scientists tasked with estimating the mean temperature in 2035 by extrapolating world temperature data from the last 80 years.

It took Dietrich’s team five weeks to prepare the report, after which it was sent to Congress and then made public. It was several days later, on August 2, that Carl Bombelli, a concerned citizen, noticed that some of the numbers in the report seemed a bit off. After investigating for several hours with a pocket calculator and a whiteboard, Bombelli discovered what he believed to be evidence that Dietrich had been using completely imaginary numbers. Bombelli reported his findings to the FBI.

On August 5, after advisement from the FBI, Congress convened the Congressional Investigation Committee (CIC) which did a full investigation into Dietrich and his report. After considerable inquiry into the matter, the CIC found that Dietrich referenced the square root of negative one in three of his equations. After finding that no such number exists the CIC concluded that Dietrich did in fact intentionally and maliciously use completely imaginary numbers. The CIC made an official recommendation that Dietrich resign and further promised to consider criminal charges in the coming weeks.

67% of the three people we polled were appalled and outraged but not really surprised that the damn liberals have resorted to using completely imaginary numbers.

We caught up with Dietrich at an ice cream shop in Dallas and asked him, “Did you really use imaginary numbers in your report on global warming?”

“Yeah, so?” answered Dietrich, licking his chocolate covered waffle cone.

“Was it an accident?”

“Of course not!” Dietrich crunched on his waffle cone.

“So it was malicious.”

“What!?”

We left it at that because Dietrich seemed a little confused and a bit agitated. Plus we we wanted to finish our ice cream before it melted.

NEW YORK – Despite suffering through one of the hottest summers on record, Americans are finding that their previous concerns about the possible long-term effects of global warming have been nearly eradicated as a result of their newfound fears about the global debt crisis. Read the full story

HAVANA, Cuba – (GlossyNews) Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, delighted Cuba’s Parliament with his first public appearance in over four years. A strong, healthy, and vigorous Castro amazed Cuba’s leaders and the assembled press corps alike with his deep grasp of international issues and prophetic warnings about the course of world events.

During his brief address, Castro warned that the world “was sitting on the brink of a nuclear holocaust that could engulf every nation on the planet and lead to the extinction of our species.” He then promptly placed the blame of these events on “all those damn kids who are always running around my grass. Read the full story

BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon. Read the full story

Tippy Toe, LA (GlossyNews) — Amos Moses, an old Cajun who lives by his self in the swamp, hunts alligators for a livin, he just knock ‘em in the head with a stomp, was fined 100 clams yesterday for tossing an old soup can from his truck window in plain sight of a Louisiana Sheriff.

As the black tide known as the BP oil disaster crept closer to shore, it was easily seen behind Moses as he stood on the side of the gravel road Read the full story

Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets.” Read the full story

Speaking ex cathedra from the Vatican today, Pope Benedict XVI, in response to the many rumors that God (aka The Almighty, Yahweh, Allah, Bhagwan, etc.) is dead, attempted to clarify the Global situation and put the rumors to rest once and for all.

In an interview with Fr. Guido Sarducci, editor of The Vatican Enquirer, Pope Benny revealed that he had had a long conversation with The Almighty regarding his apparent lack of interest in matters earthly. Read the full story

London (GlossyNews) — A spokesman for Richard Branson today announced the entrepreneur’s plans to build a world class ski resort in Florida to take advantage of the changing climate. Stanley Kidd, in a press conference in London laid out Branson’s goal, “Richard wants to turn this whole mess of global warming into something we can enjoy and can help out the economy.” “Richard says it is time to stop whining about global warming and and actually DO something … to make money. of course.”

“We see Brevard County in Florida as one of the key tourist venues of the future as the snow will begin to pile up there in record proportions. Read the full story

Geneva, Switzerland (GlossyNews) — Albert A Gore, Nobel Prize Winner and one of the pioneers of the internet and the modern World Wide Web, announced today that as of March 1, 2010, he will begin to collect royalties for commercial internet use.

Gore, in a move that is sure to shock businesses and users alike, will charge a small, recurring, royalty fee for each and every Internet Protocol (IP) address in use. Read the full story

Results of a preliminary study conducted by the Institute for the Dumbing Down of America (IDDA), Fox News Group has come out way ahead of any other television network news provider as having phenomenal success in creating misinformed, less intelligent human beings over the past ten years.

According to Dr. Bo Gusfindings, “folks who have been getting their news from shows such as The Glenn Beck Show, Read the full story

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 48 years old.
“Some of my conservative friends say there is no Global Warming.
“The UN says, ‘If you see it in a peer reviewed journal it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there Global Warming?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”

VIRGINIA, your conservative friends are wrong.  They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Read the full story

A self-proclaimed global warming expert agreed to endorse the UK’s Greediest Grocer’s position on reducing plastic bag use after his institute received a £25 zillion donation from the ubiquitous dominating supermarket chain, according to evidence gleaned by Feral Beryl McScatt from hacked e-mails and posted on her Snoop n Snitch for Truth website. Read the full story

Ever since Al Bore’s ‘A Convenient Pile of Bullshit’ movie won an Oscar for the best work of fiction in Hollycrud’s prestigious Academy Awards ‘Propaganda and Scaremongering’ category the eco-fascist AGW alarmist lobby has been searching for anything that might resemble evidence to support Fat Al’s fantasy suppositions – and has more substance than scent – or CO2. Read the full story

One of Britain’s biggest employers in the green energy industry is to cease production within hours of a paradoxical government announcement today pledging as many as 400,000 green jobs by 2015. Read the full story

Washington, DC (BNSE): The Environmental Protection Agency released its updated quarterly findings today, which placed “Free Speech Carbon Emissions” as “one of the largest unchecked sources of Carbon Dioxide contamination in North America.” Read the full story