Tag Archive | "european union"

The Remain & Leave Campaigns Have Been Vile. Let’s Move Forward & Get Down to Business


The referendum result has already been known for a while in the UK. The economy has taken a hit, for now.

Both sides have behaved appallingly. Read the full story

Posted in Serious Commentary, Top Stories, World NewsComments (0)

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America


(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

The UK Will Never Leave Europe: But Will We Have the Courage to Leave the EU?


Behind the distortions and exaggerations of both sides, one fact remains unshakable:

Europe is not the EU.

A ‘stay’ vote in tomorrow’s referendum is not a vote to remain in Europe.

A ‘leave’ vote in tomorrow’s referendum is not a vote to leave Europe. Read the full story

Posted in Serious Commentary, World NewsComments (0)

Accepting Refugees: Don’t Judge Eastern Europe too Harshly…? (2/2)


From last time:

Do you think that Greece can welcome and integrate as many refugees as Germany?

Let’s not forget, at the risk of sounding patronising, that many countries in Eastern Europe are not as prosperous as some of the more fortunate Western European countries.

So, if you have a sturdy lifeboat that can accommodate 30 people, and a rickety one that can accommodate 15, and Libya is currently a sinking ship, wouldn’t you want to take the differences between the vessels of safety into consideration? Read the full story

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Cypriots Taxed On Their Savings- How To Really Screw Your Fellow Countrymen


Now it is the island nation of Cyprus’s time to come under the guillotine of economic bankruptcy.

The only difference with their bankers way of dealing with it is that, instead of doing it in the U.S. fashion of taking the needed money from what the government holds in taxpayer money the Cypriot financial wizards are simply charging a tax directly to people who have accounts in their banks that are failing. Read the full story

Posted in Biz NewsComments (2)

Irish in Feverish Leprechaun Hunt to Rescue Economy


DUBLIN, Ireland – In the wake of some of the worst economic news to hit Ireland for decades, record numbers of Irish people are laying traps hoping to catch the elusive leprechauns and make them hand over the gold in their possession.

Some claim that the stores of gold held captive by the country’s leprechauns is enough to not only bring Ireland out of the financial mess but to make it the richest country in the world. Read the full story

Posted in World NewsComments (14)

Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship


REYKJAVIK, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Pop singer Bjork (pronounced BEE-YORKKKKK, just like you are upchucking a bad pizza), always a fountainhead of new and eccentric ideas, has decided to help alleviate Iceland’s terrible economic problems.

Iceland, long a self reliant land, made a bad mistake by investing heavily in British stocks which plummeted in value during the current recession. Iceland teeters on bankruptcy. Read the full story

Posted in Travel, World NewsComments (0)

Paul McCartney Ruled Dead


The Hague, Netherlands (GlossynEUs) — The EU Commission for Historicity today rendered a long awaited verdict on the status of Sir Paul McCartney.

The EUCMA investigation was prompted after renewed controversy spawned by audio tapes purportedly from the late George Harrison. In the tapes, a fascinating ‘James Bondish’ tale is recounted, wherein Paul was killed in a car wreck in 1966 and UK authorities forced the substitution of ‘fake Paul’ upon the unwilling Fab three.

In a Glossy News exclusive, the purported owner of the ‘Harrison’ tapes, noted documentarian Rob Graves said, “It’s all airtight, just like Paul’s casket really.” Read the full story

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Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union.

A banking official close to orchestrating a deal with the EU announced the following day, “The 14.5 billion euros was transferred to Greece a short while ago, through an anonymous donor that we believe to be the ECB [European Central Bank].” Read the full story

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Icelanders Have Their Revenge, By Odin!


Reykjavik, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Hammered by massive financial debts to Europe and Britain in particular, Iceland has come up with a hammer of its own to strike back with. Returning to its traditional religious roots and the old gods of the Norsemen, the Icelanders have invoked their wrath to aid them in their revenge on an unforgiving European economic situation that spells doom for them. Read the full story

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Common Purpose? – Dial 666


There are now legions of people in the UK cognisant that the planned Kaflaesque-Orwellian European Union Superstate – following the manipulated ratification of the Lisbon Treaty – is just a matter of time and not one of ‘what if’ but simply ‘when’. Read the full story

Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

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