Tag Archive | "Crime"

Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention


CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Read the full story

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Memory Foam Mattress Recounts Continued Abuse


A memory foam mattress from Florida has made its first appearance in court today in a case detailing years of continued abuse by married couple Mr and Mrs Winemuff.

Looking nervous the memory foam mattress took the stand and began a harrowing story of years of humiliation and physical and sexual attack.

RIGHT: Click to enlarge photo.

It was stated that Mrs Winemuff would force the memory foam mattress to dress in inappropriate flowered bed linen and would often use physical strength to force the fitted sheets on top of the mattress. Read the full story

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Weather (man) Beaten


A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices.

The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing a bucket of ice-cold water over his head.

The attacker, who is said to be about 5ft 5ins and 130 pounds, then shouted “clear and bright” as she took out a battery powered hairdryer and blasted Storm in the face. Read the full story

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Mob Bosses Fear Liam Neeson-Style Dad


With the second ‘Taken’ documentary set to hit cinemas worldwide this autumn it has emerged that mob bosses and various crime syndicates, especially those within the human trafficking trade, are fearing Liam Neeson-style dad attacks.

The documentary, which follows Mr Neeson as he tries to get his daughter back after she is taken in Paris, shows Albanian bad-guys getting their asses kicked left, right and centre. Read the full story

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World Stops to Mourn Victims of Theater Shooting


“It was weird,” Hector Santiago, a thug for a Mexican drug cartel, said through a translator, “I could tell something just happened – something more important – because suddenly I knew I couldn’t kill this police officer; it would make news headlines and I knew that, for some weird reason, I just couldn’t do that.” Read the full story

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Shocking Crime Wave Blows Across Nation


A terrifying new criminal is on the loose and officials appear powerless to stop him. In a small town in the UK an elderly gentleman was thrown to his knees and robbed of his newspaper that he had only just purchased. Battered and shaken he shared his shocking ordeal. Read the full story

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Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo


Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted hijacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto. Read the full story

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Man Murdered at Mime Convention for Coughing, Suspect at Large


LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Read the full story

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Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down


Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Read the full story

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Valentine’s Day Condom Heists Puzzle Store Owners


Multiple stores across the nation are just now reporting a significant increase in stolen condoms the week before Valentine’s Day. When asked for comment on the increase in theft, one store owner had this to say:

“I understand the motivation, but I’m not sure the people stealing these condoms completely understand Valentine’s Day. Is it supposed to be romantic. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex with a stolen condom.” Read the full story

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Smokin’ Token Miley’s Bong “Not Police Evidence,” Up for Sale


Picutres of the annoying starlet choking up on the toke bat surfaced last month, which she dismissed as representing something slightly more legal than marijuana. Yesterday, it was announced the now famous bong is up for sale. Police have assured us they don’t need it, as they “don’t investigate rich white girl crimes.”

Even though Miley claimed the water pipe, or bong (but let’s not kid ourselves, that toke-shot was pure bong,) was not used to smoke marijuana, under normal circumstances that would still be cause for serious investigation. After all, young Miss Cyrus is too young to drink alcohol or rent a car. Read the full story

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US Inmate John Duty “Put Down”, Vet Wishes to Remain Nameless


A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug used for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to send convicted murderer John Duty to a local vet where he was put down with an injection of pentobarbital so that, “he could die like the damned dirty dog he was.”

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God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting


Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

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Woman “Torn Between Two Lovers” Demands Body Parts Back


A North Dakota woman who was “torn between two lovers” said that she would appreciate the return of her body parts. Tonya Olive said from her hospital bed that she could do a lot more to please each man sexually if they each returned the arm, leg, and ear, and breast that they ripped from her body during a fight.

Juan Ortega and Marshall Henson could not be reached for comment, and blood spatter was noticed in the bed of each man’s truck. Read the full story

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Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations. Read the full story

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DUI Laws Lead to Unfair Profiling of Drunks


San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — Piggybacking on the protests over Arizona’s new immigration law that demands proof of citizenship from people dressed in pointy cowboy boots, polyester shirts, tattered sombreros and riding old girl’s bikes, an army of drunken drivers are furious over current DUI laws they believe target their right to drive like kooks and kill anyone in their paths.

The loosely organized group, known as, “I Drink I Drive,“ or I.D.I.D., whose platform includes a whiff of libertarianism, has fired off several letters to the President and Governors of various states and are planning a semi-orchestrated protest that involves driving thousands of cars into state capital buildings Read the full story

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