Tag Archive | "Crime"

Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data


In a voluntary effort to be more accountable to the public, Carnival Cruise Lines has released data about 576,727 alleged crimes reported on board their ships during the previous year.

Included in the release were 18967 incidents of public drunkenness, 42379 cases of severe obesity, 12581 noisy oxygen bottles, 87503 reports of pinhead buffet line slowing and 415297 of wearing white after labor day. Read the full story

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Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals


For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady and CSI Terre Haute, Indiana, police in our nation’s most crime-ridden cities (have you been to Terre Haute lately? Lock your doors!) are now able to use sophisticated tools to solve perplexing crimes and track down the bad guys.

But soon our nation’s police may turn to a decidedly low tech solution to help them catch a thief, that is, if they take my expert crime-prevention counsel. I give you Exhibit A: baggy pants – preferably worn about mid-thigh – by fashion-conscious urban gang members. Read the full story

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*80% of “Pirated Tracks” Already Legally Owned


The RIAA and their cronies like to claim tirllions in lost record sales, mere pennies of which the actual recording artists eventually see, but Maybeth Barker of Parketh, Illinois is part of the trend that bucks the system.

I downloaded the whole first album from Rage Against The Machine. I already own it, but it’s buried in boxes of [stuff],” says Barker.

“I paid like $15 for it, I just can’t find it right now. Does that make me a pirate?”

The law is wiggly, but yes, without doubt or hesitation, Barker is a pirate. Since she downloaded the 12-tracks she already legally owns, she’s liable for $120,000 in damages to the RIAA, none of which will go to the recording artists.

“You’re not going to turn me in or anything, are you?” asked Barker, but it was too late. We had already turned her in to the local police, firefighters, and a guy I think was actually just an icecream man, though he did have a siren.

“I don’t even know what to do with this complaint,” said Jector Namewithheld, Badge #1836, an icecream fireman, police firefighter, or fire icesmith. “This isn’t something in our jurisdiction.”

“No, we know that the vast, overwhelming majority of so-called piracy cases are people downloading music that they already own, or can listen to for free on streaming services or over the radio,” said James Hayworth, director of candid relations at BMI, “but there’s so much money in sueing these pricks it would be criminal not to prosecute them.”

Mr. Hayworth asked to interviewed off-the-record, but only after his inflamatory remarks, so we basically shut off the recorder at that point.

“Music has been free for 80-years,” said Jason Sony, grandson of Taku Sony, and heir to the sony fortune. “If you hum it, they’ll want to tax it. That’s sad, but it’s the truth. They tried to make ring-tones a public performance, subject to royalties. Shameless, dude. They have no shame.”

When asked if by “they” he meant “he” has no shame, Sony refused to comment, but cut three lines in his forearm.

Dark, I know.

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In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black


Super Uniden antennas will help improve your widescreen Sharp TV signal reception.

Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman claimed he shot the unarmed black youth in self-defense, which it totally was, of course. Read the full story

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‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy


A Cambodian chain of supermarkets has come up with an ingenious idea to deal with the countries massive population and turn a profit, but the new out of the box idea has been raising a few eyebrows and other facial hair pieces.

You didn’t hear wrong, but you also didn’t hear right. This is an actual thing, and while we’re not sure what it is will certainly not deter us from reporting on it, and ad naseum at that. Just for good measure.

The story is still developing, but it is said that ‘serial killer’ has become the most sort after occupation in Cambodia, people are dying for the opportunity.

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman


SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Read the full story

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Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own


INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life imprisonment at Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. Read the full story

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Fig Newton Controversy Awaits Trial


LOS ANGELES-Forensic investigators (right) search a house for evidence after a reliable source reported that a middle-aged man allegedly consumed an entire Fig Newton and “actually enjoyed it”.

The criminal’s name will be kept private for obvious safety reasons and there is no word, yet, regarding how much time passed before his stomach was pumped. This is only the second Fig Newton related case confirmed in the United States within the last year. Read the full story

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Russian Man Dresses 20 Dead Women, Has Tea with Them


Nizhny Novgorod, Russia – (SatireWorld.com) Police in Russia have arrested a man after discovering that he had at least 20 dressed-up female bodies hidden in his apartment.

Russian police suspect that historian Anatoly Moskvin, 45, would dress in black clothing and sneak into cemeteries during the night to dig up the dead bodies, then dress them up in his apartment Read the full story

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Hacker McKinnon Facing Extradition to Jabba the Hutt’s Planet


British computer hacker Gary McKinnon, whose extradition to the US was blocked on humanitarian grounds by UK Home Secretary Theresa May today, now faces a prospect nearly as terrifying: being sent for punishment on the alien planet of Tatooine.

McKinnon has long claimed that his hacking was aimed at discovering the truth about UFOs. It seems that he has now incurred the wrath of the Tatooine premier, Jabba the Hutt, by probing into the question of alien life a little too closely. Read the full story

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Whacking Your Whites White


A washing powder advertisement has been pulled from television after the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) received thousands of complaints from viewers complaining of its ‘violent’ nature.

Godfather Powder, ostensibly aimed at mob wives, claims to ‘whack your whites, white’ and will ‘enforce’ the stubborn stains into submission.

The television advertisement shows scenes of violent beatings and blood being sprayed over the camera lens. Read the full story

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Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention


CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Read the full story

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Memory Foam Mattress Recounts Continued Abuse


A memory foam mattress from Florida has made its first appearance in court today in a case detailing years of continued abuse by married couple Mr and Mrs Winemuff.

Looking nervous the memory foam mattress took the stand and began a harrowing story of years of humiliation and physical and sexual attack.

RIGHT: Click to enlarge photo.

It was stated that Mrs Winemuff would force the memory foam mattress to dress in inappropriate flowered bed linen and would often use physical strength to force the fitted sheets on top of the mattress. Read the full story

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Weather (man) Beaten


A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices.

The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing a bucket of ice-cold water over his head.

The attacker, who is said to be about 5ft 5ins and 130 pounds, then shouted “clear and bright” as she took out a battery powered hairdryer and blasted Storm in the face. Read the full story

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Mob Bosses Fear Liam Neeson-Style Dad


With the second ‘Taken’ documentary set to hit cinemas worldwide this autumn it has emerged that mob bosses and various crime syndicates, especially those within the human trafficking trade, are fearing Liam Neeson-style dad attacks.

The documentary, which follows Mr Neeson as he tries to get his daughter back after she is taken in Paris, shows Albanian bad-guys getting their asses kicked left, right and centre. Read the full story

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World Stops to Mourn Victims of Theater Shooting


“It was weird,” Hector Santiago, a thug for a Mexican drug cartel, said through a translator, “I could tell something just happened – something more important – because suddenly I knew I couldn’t kill this police officer; it would make news headlines and I knew that, for some weird reason, I just couldn’t do that.” Read the full story

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