INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life imprisonment at Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES-Forensic investigators (right) search a house for evidence after a reliable source reported that a middle-aged man allegedly consumed an entire Fig Newton and “actually enjoyed it”.

The criminal’s name will be kept private for obvious safety reasons and there is no word, yet, regarding how much time passed before his stomach was pumped. This is only the second Fig Newton related case confirmed in the United States within the last year. Read the full story

Nizhny Novgorod, Russia – (SatireWorld.com) Police in Russia have arrested a man after discovering that he had at least 20 dressed-up female bodies hidden in his apartment.

Russian police suspect that historian Anatoly Moskvin, 45, would dress in black clothing and sneak into cemeteries during the night to dig up the dead bodies, then dress them up in his apartment Read the full story

British computer hacker Gary McKinnon, whose extradition to the US was blocked on humanitarian grounds by UK Home Secretary Theresa May today, now faces a prospect nearly as terrifying: being sent for punishment on the alien planet of Tatooine.

McKinnon has long claimed that his hacking was aimed at discovering the truth about UFOs. It seems that he has now incurred the wrath of the Tatooine premier, Jabba the Hutt, by probing into the question of alien life a little too closely. Read the full story

A washing powder advertisement has been pulled from television after the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) received thousands of complaints from viewers complaining of its ‘violent’ nature.

Godfather Powder, ostensibly aimed at mob wives, claims to ‘whack your whites, white’ and will ‘enforce’ the stubborn stains into submission.

The television advertisement shows scenes of violent beatings and blood being sprayed over the camera lens. Read the full story

CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Read the full story

A memory foam mattress from Florida has made its first appearance in court today in a case detailing years of continued abuse by married couple Mr and Mrs Winemuff.

Looking nervous the memory foam mattress took the stand and began a harrowing story of years of humiliation and physical and sexual attack.

RIGHT: Click to enlarge photo.

It was stated that Mrs Winemuff would force the memory foam mattress to dress in inappropriate flowered bed linen and would often use physical strength to force the fitted sheets on top of the mattress. Read the full story

A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices.

The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing a bucket of ice-cold water over his head.

The attacker, who is said to be about 5ft 5ins and 130 pounds, then shouted “clear and bright” as she took out a battery powered hairdryer and blasted Storm in the face. Read the full story

With the second ‘Taken’ documentary set to hit cinemas worldwide this autumn it has emerged that mob bosses and various crime syndicates, especially those within the human trafficking trade, are fearing Liam Neeson-style dad attacks.

The documentary, which follows Mr Neeson as he tries to get his daughter back after she is taken in Paris, shows Albanian bad-guys getting their asses kicked left, right and centre. Read the full story

“It was weird,” Hector Santiago, a thug for a Mexican drug cartel, said through a translator, “I could tell something just happened – something more important – because suddenly I knew I couldn’t kill this police officer; it would make news headlines and I knew that, for some weird reason, I just couldn’t do that.” Read the full story

A terrifying new criminal is on the loose and officials appear powerless to stop him. In a small town in the UK an elderly gentleman was thrown to his knees and robbed of his newspaper that he had only just purchased. Battered and shaken he shared his shocking ordeal. Read the full story

Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted hijacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29^th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Read the full story

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Read the full story

Multiple stores across the nation are just now reporting a significant increase in stolen condoms the week before Valentine’s Day. When asked for comment on the increase in theft, one store owner had this to say:

“I understand the motivation, but I’m not sure the people stealing these condoms completely understand Valentine’s Day. Is it supposed to be romantic. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex with a stolen condom.” Read the full story

Picutres of the annoying starlet choking up on the toke bat surfaced last month, which she dismissed as representing something slightly more legal than marijuana. Yesterday, it was announced the now famous bong is up for sale. Police have assured us they don’t need it, as they “don’t investigate rich white girl crimes.”

Even though Miley claimed the water pipe, or bong (but let’s not kid ourselves, that toke-shot was pure bong,) was not used to smoke marijuana, under normal circumstances that would still be cause for serious investigation. After all, young Miss Cyrus is too young to drink alcohol or rent a car. Read the full story