Tag Archive | "Crime"

Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors


Santa Barbara, CA – As the country tries to make sense of the recent tragedy in California, the nation’s elite are always quick to point out the answers to those of us who aren’t nearly as smart as they are.

Elliott Rodger killed six people last week in southern California before taking his own life. He left behind a book of a manifesto giving a glimpse inside his deranged mind. From this manifesto, many a pundit and professor has come forward with their typical knee-jerk reactions to what caused the crime in the first place. Read the full story

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A Solution to Our Prison Problem – Soccer Balls


Newsflash: Our prison population over the past two decades has soared to a record-bursting 2.4 million. Almost one out of every 100 Americans is currently incarcerated. (Personally, I blame Hollywood celebutantes Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin Bieber for much of the overcrowding problem.)

The USA has more people in prison than any other country in the world – yet one more achievement about which Americans can proudly shout We’re #1. The cost to house all these charming folks is staggering. Check out these startling statistics:

• The average annual operating cost in 2012 was $28,000 per inmate.
• Housing the approximately 500,000 people in jail awaiting trial costs $9 billion a year.
• The cost to put my two daughters through four years of college would be enough to house the entire prison population of Wyoming for four months.
• An ant can carry 50 times its own body weight.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

As these alarming statistics clearly demonstrate, we need to do something about the runaway costs of housing our inmates – not to mention cracking down on Donkeys Gone Wild.

Prison population graphOn the left is a chart showing the increase in our American prison population over the past 86 years. (Coincidentally, a mirror image of this chart displays the value of my investment portfolio from 1990 through 2013.)

One humanitarian solution I’ve lobbied for vociferously for years is to simply turn the entire state of Mississippi into a federal prison. I mean, it’s not like the place is being used for much else these days. But an even better idea comes from Argentina. Their solution? Soccer ball prison guards.

Recently, Argentina made an unscheduled surprise announcement about its unique cost-cutting solution for its prison system. Turns out that one of their prisons was running severely short of funds to staff their guard towers – so much so that only two of the fifteen guard towers actually were staffed by guards. The prison decided to staff one of the towers with a dummy. “We’ve made a dummy out of a soccer ball and a prison officer’s cap. We named him Wilson, like in the film Castaway, and put him in one of the towers so that the prisoners would see its shadow and think they’re being watched,” an unnamed prison source told the Río Negro newspaper. (I could not make this stuff up.)

I did a detailed cost analysis. Cost of one soccer ball: $8.95. Cost of one guard cap: $11.50. Total cost: $20.45. Annual cost of one human Argentinean prison guard: $20,500. Average annual savings of soccer ball guard: $20,479, a savings of 99.9% compared to human prison guards. In full disclosure, that’s before factoring in the cost of engraving the ball with the Official Seal of Argentina and the necessary legal disclaimers like “This prison guard is the property of . Do not try to escape past me or attempt to do a header. Do not deflate me. Not intended for use in recreational sports.”

Think about the cost savings to American taxpayers if we implemented this innovative solution. Right off the bat you can eliminate the cost of salary, food, and medical benefits – not to mention guns and ammo. And problems like substance abuse and prisoner abuse by guards and guards grumbling about dangerous work conditions become things of the past. Oh sure, prison wardens would need to remember to inflate their soccer ball guards now and then, but beyond that, they’re pretty much maintenance-free and would most likely require minimal supervision.

We could debate for days whether soccer balls, footballs, basketballs or volleyballs would function best as substitute prison security personnel. But I would strenuously argue that golf balls are simply not up to the task. Not even Titleists. I will leave it up to some Congressional sub-committee to recommend the proper spheroid to use, proper inflation pressure, and how much to skim off the top from the lobbyists for Spalding, Wilson and Rawlings to get Congress to recommend their brand of ball. I envision that, before long, millions of Americans will start purchasing sports balls, dressing them up as German Shepherds and placing them in their living room windows to deter burglars.

prison - Cast AwayOne thing to learn from Argentina’s bold new experiment is to not actually inform the prison population that your towers are being guarded by soccer balls. This was Argentina’s one tiny mistake. Apparently, word got out that the guard in Tower #3 – the guy who never seemed to look around, smoke or ask for a bathroom break – was in fact a soccer ball. As a result, two convicted armed robbers escaped over the wall into the night and have yet to be found. (True.)

But that’s just a small hiccup in the system. The only other mistake the Argentine prison authorities made was in forgetting to remove the giant gold and green FIFA WORLD CUP logo on its “face” – a sure giveaway, if you ask me. But that could have easily been painted over – if only they’d had the budget to buy a paintbrush.

With a well-inflated soccer-basket-volley-ball, our prison system could order thousands of balls with fiercely intimidating faces on them like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas or Samuel L. Jackson in, well anything he’s ever done, to keep the prisoners from even thinking about escaping.

But why stop there? Think how much the U.S. military could save each year by replacing soldiers on the front lines with soccer ball dummies. Think about how many American lives we could save, not to mention the millions that Hasbro and Mattel could make selling the new GI Joe soccer ball dummy action figures.

Of course, there are a few logistical challenges our military commanders will have to work out, like how to get the soccer ball soldiers to shoot … or drive a tank … or disarm land mines … or salute their commanding officers. But I’m confident the top military brass will figure out those minor details. After all, they pretty much solved the whole Afghanistan mess, right?

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Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data


In a voluntary effort to be more accountable to the public, Carnival Cruise Lines has released data about 576,727 alleged crimes reported on board their ships during the previous year.

Included in the release were 18967 incidents of public drunkenness, 42379 cases of severe obesity, 12581 noisy oxygen bottles, 87503 reports of pinhead buffet line slowing and 415297 of wearing white after labor day. Read the full story

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Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals


For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady and CSI Terre Haute, Indiana, police in our nation’s most crime-ridden cities (have you been to Terre Haute lately? Lock your doors!) are now able to use sophisticated tools to solve perplexing crimes and track down the bad guys.

But soon our nation’s police may turn to a decidedly low tech solution to help them catch a thief, that is, if they take my expert crime-prevention counsel. I give you Exhibit A: baggy pants – preferably worn about mid-thigh – by fashion-conscious urban gang members. Read the full story

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*80% of “Pirated Tracks” Already Legally Owned


The RIAA and their cronies like to claim tirllions in lost record sales, mere pennies of which the actual recording artists eventually see, but Maybeth Barker of Parketh, Illinois is part of the trend that bucks the system.

I downloaded the whole first album from Rage Against The Machine. I already own it, but it’s buried in boxes of [stuff],” says Barker.

“I paid like $15 for it, I just can’t find it right now. Does that make me a pirate?”

The law is wiggly, but yes, without doubt or hesitation, Barker is a pirate. Since she downloaded the 12-tracks she already legally owns, she’s liable for $120,000 in damages to the RIAA, none of which will go to the recording artists.

“You’re not going to turn me in or anything, are you?” asked Barker, but it was too late. We had already turned her in to the local police, firefighters, and a guy I think was actually just an icecream man, though he did have a siren.

“I don’t even know what to do with this complaint,” said Jector Namewithheld, Badge #1836, an icecream fireman, police firefighter, or fire icesmith. “This isn’t something in our jurisdiction.”

“No, we know that the vast, overwhelming majority of so-called piracy cases are people downloading music that they already own, or can listen to for free on streaming services or over the radio,” said James Hayworth, director of candid relations at BMI, “but there’s so much money in sueing these pricks it would be criminal not to prosecute them.”

Mr. Hayworth asked to interviewed off-the-record, but only after his inflamatory remarks, so we basically shut off the recorder at that point.

“Music has been free for 80-years,” said Jason Sony, grandson of Taku Sony, and heir to the sony fortune. “If you hum it, they’ll want to tax it. That’s sad, but it’s the truth. They tried to make ring-tones a public performance, subject to royalties. Shameless, dude. They have no shame.”

When asked if by “they” he meant “he” has no shame, Sony refused to comment, but cut three lines in his forearm.

Dark, I know.

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In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black


Super Uniden antennas will help improve your widescreen Sharp TV signal reception.

Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman claimed he shot the unarmed black youth in self-defense, which it totally was, of course. Read the full story

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‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy


A Cambodian chain of supermarkets has come up with an ingenious idea to deal with the countries massive population and turn a profit, but the new out of the box idea has been raising a few eyebrows and other facial hair pieces.

You didn’t hear wrong, but you also didn’t hear right. This is an actual thing, and while we’re not sure what it is will certainly not deter us from reporting on it, and ad naseum at that. Just for good measure.

The story is still developing, but it is said that ‘serial killer’ has become the most sort after occupation in Cambodia, people are dying for the opportunity.

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman


SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Read the full story

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Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own


INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life imprisonment at Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. Read the full story

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Fig Newton Controversy Awaits Trial


LOS ANGELES-Forensic investigators (right) search a house for evidence after a reliable source reported that a middle-aged man allegedly consumed an entire Fig Newton and “actually enjoyed it”.

The criminal’s name will be kept private for obvious safety reasons and there is no word, yet, regarding how much time passed before his stomach was pumped. This is only the second Fig Newton related case confirmed in the United States within the last year. Read the full story

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Russian Man Dresses 20 Dead Women, Has Tea with Them


Nizhny Novgorod, Russia – (SatireWorld.com) Police in Russia have arrested a man after discovering that he had at least 20 dressed-up female bodies hidden in his apartment.

Russian police suspect that historian Anatoly Moskvin, 45, would dress in black clothing and sneak into cemeteries during the night to dig up the dead bodies, then dress them up in his apartment Read the full story

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Hacker McKinnon Facing Extradition to Jabba the Hutt’s Planet


British computer hacker Gary McKinnon, whose extradition to the US was blocked on humanitarian grounds by UK Home Secretary Theresa May today, now faces a prospect nearly as terrifying: being sent for punishment on the alien planet of Tatooine.

McKinnon has long claimed that his hacking was aimed at discovering the truth about UFOs. It seems that he has now incurred the wrath of the Tatooine premier, Jabba the Hutt, by probing into the question of alien life a little too closely. Read the full story

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Whacking Your Whites White


A washing powder advertisement has been pulled from television after the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) received thousands of complaints from viewers complaining of its ‘violent’ nature.

Godfather Powder, ostensibly aimed at mob wives, claims to ‘whack your whites, white’ and will ‘enforce’ the stubborn stains into submission.

The television advertisement shows scenes of violent beatings and blood being sprayed over the camera lens. Read the full story

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Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention


CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Read the full story

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Memory Foam Mattress Recounts Continued Abuse


A memory foam mattress from Florida has made its first appearance in court today in a case detailing years of continued abuse by married couple Mr and Mrs Winemuff.

Looking nervous the memory foam mattress took the stand and began a harrowing story of years of humiliation and physical and sexual attack.

RIGHT: Click to enlarge photo.

It was stated that Mrs Winemuff would force the memory foam mattress to dress in inappropriate flowered bed linen and would often use physical strength to force the fitted sheets on top of the mattress. Read the full story

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Weather (man) Beaten


A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices.

The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing a bucket of ice-cold water over his head.

The attacker, who is said to be about 5ft 5ins and 130 pounds, then shouted “clear and bright” as she took out a battery powered hairdryer and blasted Storm in the face. Read the full story

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