Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Read the full story

Multiple stores across the nation are just now reporting a significant increase in stolen condoms the week before Valentine’s Day. When asked for comment on the increase in theft, one store owner had this to say:

“I understand the motivation, but I’m not sure the people stealing these condoms completely understand Valentine’s Day. Is it supposed to be romantic. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex with a stolen condom.” Read the full story

Picutres of the annoying starlet choking up on the toke bat surfaced last month, which she dismissed as representing something slightly more legal than marijuana. Yesterday, it was announced the now famous bong is up for sale. Police have assured us they don’t need it, as they “don’t investigate rich white girl crimes.”

Even though Miley claimed the water pipe, or bong (but let’s not kid ourselves, that toke-shot was pure bong,) was not used to smoke marijuana, under normal circumstances that would still be cause for serious investigation. After all, young Miss Cyrus is too young to drink alcohol or rent a car. Read the full story

A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug used for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to send convicted murderer John Duty to a local vet where he was put down with an injection of pentobarbital so that, “he could die like the damned dirty dog he was.”

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

A North Dakota woman who was “torn between two lovers” said that she would appreciate the return of her body parts. Tonya Olive said from her hospital bed that she could do a lot more to please each man sexually if they each returned the arm, leg, and ear, and breast that they ripped from her body during a fight.

Juan Ortega and Marshall Henson could not be reached for comment, and blood spatter was noticed in the bed of each man’s truck. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations. Read the full story

San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — Piggybacking on the protests over Arizona’s new immigration law that demands proof of citizenship from people dressed in pointy cowboy boots, polyester shirts, tattered sombreros and riding old girl’s bikes, an army of drunken drivers are furious over current DUI laws they believe target their right to drive like kooks and kill anyone in their paths.

The loosely organized group, known as, “I Drink I Drive,“ or I.D.I.D., whose platform includes a whiff of libertarianism, has fired off several letters to the President and Governors of various states and are planning a semi-orchestrated protest that involves driving thousands of cars into state capital buildings Read the full story

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades.

According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques as other financial frauds, but on a much larger scale.

“On one level, this monumental scheme simply gives people back some of the money it already collected from them,” said one investigator. “But the parent organization’s finances are so shaky it has to resort to heavy borrowing and even print its own money just to do that.” Read the full story

State Road 19, Near Tavares, Fla (GlossyNews) — Local man, Hank Fuller, arrived home last Wednesday and noticed something amiss. As he entered the house he could see his friends, family and at least one priest sitting in every available chair but one placed prominently in the middle of the floor.

“Don’t be alarmed, these are people who care about you and want to help you, now have a seat,“ said mediator and therapist, Dr. Lorena Schlutz. “We are here to help you get over your aversion to the variety of crime dramas on TV that are a main source of entertainment for everyone in America. Read the full story

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Read the full story

MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin.

The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police used dental records to identify her. Read the full story

CHINO, CA (GlossyNews) — It’s difficult to trace the origins of tattoos and similar body art — which Western societies often regard as a form of mutilation — primarily because tattoos transcend culture and geography. Tattooing has been a practice since the Neolithic times, and today it’s not uncommon to see men and women of all ages displaying their “ink.” Read the full story

TORRANCE, CA (GlossyNews) — An 80-year-old woman with a criminal record stretching back to 1955 has been sentenced to die in state prison for the theft of petty cash from a local temporary staffing office. Activists have criticized the judge’s ruling as overly harsh and unusually cruel. The judge in the case defended his decision saying, “if the rule is three strikes and you’re out, Verdulia has gone down swinging for the last nine innings and it’s time she hit the showers for good”. Read the full story

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a local woman. Lawyers for the alleged rapist charged their client was “the real victim of this assault,” and warned that easy access to legal firearms was “[Making] committing a rape or other violent crime nearly impossible in many suburban areas.” Read the full story

Rochester, NY – Hugh Buttnum, an inmate at the Monroe County jail in Rochester, NY, is in critical condition after a fellow inmate ripped off Buttnum’s prosthetic arm and beat him with it. Evidently, inmate J. “Johnny” Johnson was not aware that his new cell mate, Buttnum, had been fitted with a prosthetic arm when he (Johnson) threatened to “tear off Buttnum’s arm and beat him with the bloody stump.” Read the full story