Washington DC (WAPO) Dismayed by the May jobs report and the unabated protests outside the White House, Administration Spokesperson, Kay (I need to get…) leighed MagaNinny announced yesterday that Attorney Generalissimo William Barf, Economic Guru Supremo Kevin Hassbeen and Walmart CEO Doug (I got…) McMillions have devised a brilliant, multi-purpose strategy to stimulate job growth and provide President Trump (aka “Bunker Boy”) the added security that he has been hysterically crying out for since Monday’s retreat to the White House basement for a bunker “inspection.” The clever stratagem involves deploying (under the auspices of the obscure Retail Insurrection Act of 1928) unemployed Walmart security guards to anonymously serve in the Generalissimos’s newly created SATOK* secret police.
Wasting no time, the Generalissimo—in a show of force– parachuted the SATOK personnel into the Rose Garden (which apparently caused incredible damage and resulted in numerous injuries) and immediately thrust them into the front lines around the White House. They were observed limping about and stonewalling reporters as to where they came from and why they wore no unit insignia or name tags and also why they seemed to be so incredibly out of shape.
Speaking off the record a SATOK operative said he was recruited five days ago from his local Bogalusa, LA tavern by his ex-Walmart boss to serve in the Generalissimo’s elite security force, for which he would be handsomely rewarded (including benefits) and acknowledged as a true patriot as long as, “I kept my mouth shut.” He went on to say, “… you know if I hadn’t been so drunk and had any inkling that those lunatics were going to make me jump out of plane onto the White House grounds I would have told them to kiss off.” Asked for comment White House spokesperson, Kay (I need to get..) Leighed MagaNinny vehemently denied that the Generalissimo misrepresented the deal to SATOK operatives, and they should stop whining like a bunch of bobalicóns con boca harinosa**.
*Save Trump’s Obese Keister
**Mealy mouthed Twerps