WASHINGTON – Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope’s water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.
Luckily when the Pope’s throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.
Bath explained: “It’s well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope’s holy water.”
“Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope’s glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won’t call it a holy grail exactly— I don’t have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it.” Read more Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass ›
Dateline: VATICAN—Experts agree that Pope Francis has made a concerted effort to change people’s impression of the Catholic Church, by adopting a less ostentatious style of public relations, leading non-Christians and Christians alike to be astonished that a Christian in the modern age would dare to be even superficially Christlike.
Instead of staying in the papal apartments in the Apostolic Palace, the pope lives in a guesthouse, he wears simpler vestments than his predecessors, he drives in a 30-year old, nonfortified, used Renault instead of the traditional Popemobile, he carries his own luggage, he meets people from his front door rather than from a balcony, he washed the feet of criminal offenders, and he took the name Francis in honour of the saint who devoted himself to humility and the poor. Read more Pope Francis’s Superficial Christlikeness is Miraculous, Observers Say ›
Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”.
Ora sex has always been forbidden by the Catholic Church as it violates the Bible’s edict to “go forth and multiply” but the new pontiff said that men and women beyond childbearing years no longer assume that burden.