Triple Negative Grocer Doesn’t Not Have No Bananas Today

Jerome Heywood, a green grocer working in Poughkeepiee, New York, has two conundra on his hands. First is the quantity of bananas he has available, but second and more importantly, is conveying this number to his befuddled customers.

“It’s not enough that I don’t not have no bananas,” he explained from the produce corner of the local UPick Produce, “but that when I try to tell people about it they think I’m getting all philosophical, which I’m not. It isn’t just not a non-fallacy, it’s a matter of fact.”

The supermarket is well stocked with apples, pears and even a wide variety of lettuce and cabbage. The problem is the bananas. He quickly admits he doesn’t not have none of them, which is leaving consumers confused and frustrated.

“I must have asked him five times if he had bananas and this stupid jackass still hasn’t given me a straight answer,” said unkempt mother of three Debbi Parkson. “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills or something.”

Associate produce manager Davil Helm offered that he “knows [Parkson] from coming in here before.” Adding that she “definitely knows her way around the crazy pills.”

A visual inspection of the produce aisle turned up plantains, but where bananas would normally reside was a large, hand-written note, which read “Please inquire about the availability of bananas.”

Davis Thompson, a regular at the supermarket, was quoted as saying, “I don’t have time for this, and no, you can’t quote me,” which just goes to show the growing frustration of shoppers.

A local advertising firm was brought in to help resolve the situation, but the only result was a run on oranges. The manager of their account stated, “I really thought I understood the problem until I spoke with [Jerome], now I’m not even sure what day it is.”

The resulting odor in the neighborhood has also resulted in a higher than normal level of small fruit flies that have been landing in the locals beers. Several neighbors have openly stated, “He better figure out what the hell he’s saying or I’m going to make sure “Howdy, St. Peter,” is his next statement.”

This article also had contribution from Mike Kelly.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

3 thoughts on “Triple Negative Grocer Doesn’t Not Have No Bananas Today

  1. I’m not sure what you mean by meta, but I’m pretty sure I accept the compliment, whatever it was you said. Thanks!

  2. This is the most meta thing I’ve read in maybe ten years like since before meta was a thing. Props to the author.

  3. I know I, too, would just totally panic in this situation and buy three fennel bulbs. I don’t not even dislike fennel.

Comments are closed.