Modern day journalistic prophets have announced Elizabeth Taylor was in heaven for no more than five minutes before the first complaints rolled in this morning.

Taylor, famous for her feisty temper, charitable nature and a career spanning five decades with a total of eight marriages, claimed “heaven wasn’t meant to be this freaky. If God was the real deal he’d have sent some of these cheating jerks to meet Satan.” Read the full story

TEXARKANA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Melvin, or Mel, Gibson, a 75-year-old redneck from Rockdale, Texas, stood on the corner of Cameron Ave and Main this morning. He was dressed in the requisite T-shirt and stained khaki work pants and holding a battered and half nude 72-year-old Dorinda, his wife of 50 years, by the hair while he screamed racist comments at the top of his lungs.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy drove by, slowing down for a group of vultures eating a dead something-or-other in the middle of the road, Mel hollered that a pack of wild niggers was going to attack Dorinda for wearing a pink bra. Then he screamed and yelled about how the Jews were taking over the world, followed by something or other about Mexicans, loose women, the Gov’ment then Homos. Read the full story

Dear Hank,

I need help, and fast. I’m a newlywed, and this will be mine and my new wife’s first Valentine’s Day together, but I don’t have two nickels to rub together to buy my sweetie something nice. It’s my own fault, I’ll admit. Me and a few of my buddies have been working on an old ’89 Ford Escort of mine to get ready for the stock car races that are gonna start in May. We blew the engine last season and we just found one we could re-build and, well, I think you can see where this is headed. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES / Chicken Ranch, NV — Hugh Hefner, long living the good life on the Playboy dime, has been sued for refusing to give it up for the sake of his failing company.

The stockholder class action suit is known as the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” because it was written and submitted on a stack of well-used cocktail napkins (referred in court as CN). It also continued the suit’s statements and claims on several ripped junk mail envelope backs (referred in court as JEB). Read the full story

Dear Hank,

I’ve got a real problem. I’m considering taking a walk down the aisle for the 4th time and I already know how it’s going to end…in divorce. Why? Because I am the one responsible for the merry-go-round that is my marital history.

I know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself and I need someone to tell me why I do what I do, and I figured maybe you’d have some answers. Read the full story

Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.  “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart. I’ll always love Yang and his bright, active approach to life, but it’s time for me to move on.” Read the full story

Mega-lawyer Elle Woods of Legally Blonde and spurned woman Elin Nordregan Woods are reputed to have held a tete-a-tete behind closed doors at Bloomingdale’s in Orlando recently. A TMZ reporter claims he taped the following conversation between the two women while staked out in the dropped ceiling above their fitting room.

Elin: Elle, I called you because, as a blonde — a Swedish blonde to boot — I need a lawyer who will take me seriously. Read the full story

Although “falling in love” is probably the most wonderful feeling in the world and the most mysterious state of mind one can find him/herself within, science tells us that “falling in love” is very transient and not the answer to most of a person’s problems. There is no “happily-ever-after” fairy-tales in real life, say the social scientists who study this phenomenon. The (informal) definition of “true love” in Western Societies really only refers to one thing: strong and passionate feeling that consumes both partners in “a strong romantic (or sexual), mutual feeling,” which is scientifically and empirically short-lived. Read the full story