Tag Archive | "debate"

Obama’s First Debate Loss; Foul Odor

GlossyNews.com – President Obama and the Democratic National Committee, in a surprising press release yesterday, accused presidential candidate Mitt Romney of intentionally dousing himself in Aqua Velva aftershave just before the Denver presidential debate with the intent of throwing the President ‘off his mark’.

“As I walked up to the podium,” recalled Obama, “There was this harsh, biting and very astringent odor like a mix of diesel fuel, ketone and knock-off brand Chanel No.5. After that I remember almost nothing.” Read the full story


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NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate

Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate.

“Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,” said Dodson.

“Who wouldn’t be? It was a chance for me to question both candidates on what I think is one of the most important issues of the day.” Read the full story


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Obama Debate Prep To Include Joe Biden: Heckler

As President Obama prepares for Tuesday’s debate with failed former Gov. Mitt Romney, a new twist has been added to the normal procedure.

Vice-president Joe Biden will fill-in as his opponent for the practice sessions, laughing and heckling incessantly.

President Obama already has a surrogate for this position, a tape of his performance in the first debate, but the subsequent over-the-top performance of the vice-president has altered that strategy. Read the full story


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Biden Wins Debate With Tale of High School Football Game

DANVILLE, KENTUCKY- The Vice Presidential debate was a dramatic stage set for two men who would be a heart beat away from the highest office. It culminated in a speech by Vice President Biden, about a high school football game in which he excelled.

“So there we were, end of the fourth quarter, third and long. Any other team would have given up, but not us,” explained Biden as he looked in to the camera.

Paul Ryan was seen looking aimlessly in to the eyes of Joe Biden, as he tried finding a valid argument as to the relevance of the anecdote. There was none to be had. The nation had been seduced by the story, including Romney’s running mate. Read the full story


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Biden’s Laugh Claims Ryan’s Smirk Isn’t VP Material

Following Thursday night’s Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden’s laugh told reporters that Candidate Paul Ryan’s smirk “simply is not qualified for the number two position.”

Biden’s laugh went on to explain that “a President grimaces, and a grimace is a less sad frown which is an upside down smile which is a less happy laugh. So me and the Presidential mouth are like kissing cousins so to speak full of conflicting emotion. Read the full story


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Paul Ryan Files Lawsuit Against Martha Raddatz

Immediately following the vice-presidential debate on Thursday evening, the Ryan half of the Romney/Ryan ticket filed a law suit against Martha Raddatz.

An agreement had been reached prior to the debate that Congressman Paul Ryan would be referred to as Mister Ryan.

From the very opening of the debate, the alleged non-partisan moderator, continually referred to Congressman Ryan, well, as Congressman Ryan. Read the full story


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Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate

Last week the big news for the 2012 presidential election was the worse-than-expected performance of President Obama in his match-up with former Governor, and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Although Obama was able to firmly demonstrate that he did have a pulse, little else was evident from his reaction to the many contradictory statements made by his opponent.

That debate was the big match on the ticket for all debates in this election cycle and the undercard of the vice-presidential debate would not normally warrant much attention. Both of the vice-presidential candidates offer something unique to this cycle, one locked into a conservative mantra that leaves out all but the upper 1%, and one who can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth whenever the spotlight is shined upon him. Read the full story


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Romney “Apologizes” to Obama After Debate Debacle

WASHINGTON DC- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney sort of apologized to the president this week after the crushing debate performance he delivered, though it remains unclear as to whether Governor Romney actually knows what an apology is.

Although the political arena doesn’t mandate such an apology, Romney’s religious upbringing got the better of him as he humbly “apologized” for the thorough lashing he gave the president.

“Mitt has had a lot of practice with apologizing and knowing what an apology actuallt is, recently,” explained Matt Rhodes, senior Romney advisor.

“Not only did he deliver an excellent apology after politicizing the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and he really nailed it when he had to explain himself over the 47% thing the day after the debate. It was totally an underhanded apology that almost slipped by. Mitt’s been getting so good at it, he apologized to his wife after accidentally bringing her a caffeinated soda at a fund raising picnic, where he mingled with regular common people. It was a touching moment among many.”

Political analysts are wondering if Romney can keep up with his fast paced rate of apologizing. Some of his more notable apologies have reportedly been behind closed doors, especially after the debate.

He has been practicing apologizing to his base constituency for faltering on his platform so many times.

Romney appeared on Univision, a Spanish Language Channel, where he apologized to Hispanics for the tough talk on immigration during the primaries, but vowed to apologize more to them in his coming years as president.

Romney has also been seen apologizing to unemployed Americans, stating he was “sorry for the whole off-shore thing,” and that if he got their vote, he would “so get their jobs back for them.”

When asked about the apology, President Barack Obama commented, “It was nice and heart felt. Uh… He knew I was tired and had been keeping late nights… what with keeping the world from falling apart, and… cleaning up a rather… big mess left by… uh, Republicans.”

Paul Ryan has not been in favor of the recent streak of apologies, stating that “it shows weakness.”

“Ayn Rand would be spinning in her atheist grave right now listening to Romney bowing to people, many of whom don’t even pay taxes for the entitlements they feel they deserve.”

He also added, “did that come off as racist? Is that my first political gaff? I need to go do some P90x and sort all of this out, but you know what I mean about those people [who do not pay taxes].”

Senior White House advisor David Plouffe remarked on how happy he was to see Romney take a more humble approach. Plouffe went on to say, “As much as he’s apologizing for the lies, pandering, political polarizing, and suckering poor people in to a program that would marginalize their meager incomes, I don’t think I’ve heard him apologize to Jim Lerher or Big Bird for threatening to fire them.”

Mitt Romney will be in the swing state of Arkansas tomorrow speaking at a $5 a plate fundraiser held for the state’s wealthiest job creators.


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Sweating Romney Can’t Stop Asking Advisers How He Did Out There

DENVER, CO – Following Wednesday’s opening presidential debate at the University of Denver, a sweating Mitt Romney would not stop asking advisers how he did.

Nervously loosening his tie, the former Massachusetts governor stormed into campaign manager Matt Rhoades’ temporary office, demanding: “well?” Read the full story


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Big Bird Talks Mitt Romney in Hard Hitting Interview

He’s every kid’s favorite bird. Big Bird has been a staple on American television since 1969. So it was no surprise that many Americans became upset when Mitt Romney made public his plan to fire the icon.

We met at the aptly named Sesame Street Restaurant and Big Bird laid out the ground rules. I can’t ask him about his parents and he wants me to read a book to some kids after the interview.

What followed was one of the most shocking yet meaningful interviews I’ve ever participated in. Read the full story


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Romney Schedules Debate to Convince Country He is Still Running

WASHINGTON D.C.- Political insiders have confirmed that not only is republican candidate, Mitt Romney, debating president Obama on Wednesday, but he is still running for president.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan met a group of supporters for a fund raiser, announcing that they will still be in the running for the white house all the way up until November 6th.

“People can’t count us out until the election is over,” explains Matt Rhodes, campaign advisor to Mitt Romney.

“I know the country wouldn’t quite pick that up over the past couple of weeks, but we have been hard at work over in the Romney camp trying to adequately prepare a game plan to let America know that we are here until election day.” Read the full story


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Point-Counterpoint: Thank You for Paul Ryan

Today we bring together our favorite resident moon-bat and wing-nut to talk up the latest in political news.

This week it’s the selection of congressman Paul Ryan as the vice-presidential candidate under Mitt Romney, and for once, we may have reached an across-the-aisle consensus.

Armand Periwinkle for the Republicans:

My words to Mitt Romney and God almighty; thank you for Paul Ryan.

This man is young, handsome, energetic and has a vision the will balance the budget, pay off the deficit and restore America to what it was back when I liked it better.

He’ll also bring in a fresh wave of campaign contributions and energize voters to turnout on election night, so I can sit back and enjoy my popcorn.

He’ll strengthen the defense of our great nation, crack down on immigrants and push hard for the wholesome family values republicans are known for.

Mitt Romney couldn’t have made a better pick. Todd, over to you.

Todd Hemp for the Democrats:

Well my words to Mitt Romney and God almighty is also; thank you for Paul Ryan.

He may be as dashing as Sarah Palin, but he’s just as poison to the moderates. I agree he’ll drive donations and turn out a lot of voters, but he’s going to do both of those things for Obama too. The guy is just too nuts for the left, or even the center, with his ultra-conservative fiscal and social policies.

His plan won’t cut the deficit or balance the budget. Not until 2040, and that’s assuming unemployment drops to 3% and stays there for 28-years, which has never happened once before, let alone for a prolonged period.

Romney has 20-times as much money as Obama, but no more employees. Cash for the wealthy doesn’t equal job creation unless you count Rentboys.

Americans don’t want more money wasted on the bloated defense budget, or a crack down on legal immigration, or a suppression of women’s rights, and that’s going to cause him problems. He wants to dismantle social programs including Medicare, and that’s going to lose him the reliably republican senior citizen voting block. The attack ads are already running.

His budget slashes everything but defense and gives the cash-hoarders trillions in tax cuts. That’s trickle-down economics and eight-years of Bush proved that doesn’t create jobs, economic stimulation, or any benefit this side of the Cayman Islands.

I have to agree that Mitt Romney couldn’t have made a better pick, but I suspect it’s because everyone better than him was offered the spot and said ‘no.’

If this is the best Mitt Romney can do, he’s in a world of hurt.

Armand, you’re rebuttal?

Armand Periwinkle for the Republicans:

Todd, you’re a real dick, you know that? Your rebuttal?

Todd Hemp for the Democrats:

Am, am I supposed to answer that?

That’s all the time we have this week. Join us again next week for Point-Counterpoint and until then, this is news.


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GOP Debate in Review: Come for the Crazy, Stay for the Crazy (6 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy We’re now six-days in on our review of the recent GOP freak show debate. We’re covering seven of the leading Republican Partiers present at the debate in New Hampshire.

This recap is intended for those who tried to stay awake for the whole time, but just couldn’t do it. It’s also for anyone who didn’t watch who needs the skinny on what went down. Read the full story


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Debatable: Can the GOPTea Pull 2012 Out from the Back Side? (2 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy As you know, seven TeaPublicans debated in New Hampshire. While the debate was held in that state, there was no intent by any participant to play to that state — rather the play was pushed to Iowa and the rest of “Real America”.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit still, even with 3 beer breaks. So here’s a shorter distillation of what each person said relative to questions that were asked, even Read the full story


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Kudos to Writers for Not Acting Like Stupid Dodo Heads

The saying goes “There is more than one way to skin a cat.” No, this isn’t a funny story about a cat. I know, I know, for all you cat lovers out there, maybe there will be one soon, but for now, this is not where to look.

Conan O’Brien once said “During last night’s debate…Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.” It didn’t happen, of course. Edwards turned out to be even more heterosexual than we’d originally thought, Read the full story


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