Ask Hank – Valentine’s Day Massacre in the Making

Dear Hank,

I need help, and fast. I’m a newlywed, and this will be mine and my new wife’s first Valentine’s Day together, but I don’t have two nickels to rub together to buy my sweetie something nice. It’s my own fault, I’ll admit. Me and a few of my buddies have been working on an old ’89 Ford Escort of mine to get ready for the stock car races that are gonna start in May. We blew the engine last season and we just found one we could re-build and, well, I think you can see where this is headed.

Do you have some suggestions on some Valentine’s Day gifts that don’t cost anything but that will shift the focus from me and the Ford to make my wife think that she’s the only thing that matters in my life? Oh, and if you could, make sure it’s something I can do quick, cause me and the boys are planning on spending the whole day working on the car.

Please answer this Sunday if you can.

1st Timer in Tuscon

Dear First:

Oh I would LOVE to see the look on your wife’s face when she realizes that your whole savings went on a used engine for your race car right before Valentine’s Day. I’ll give you some ideas, but brother, don’t come crawling to me when you realize you just chose between the love of your life and your wife.

Here are some ideas I lifted off some insane article about there actually being alternatives to spending money on your spouse for Valentine’s Day. Good luck with that:

Love Coupons. Nothing says I Love You more than a coupon book full of redeemable favors for your partner.
Hank: Yeah, like “picking up all your tools in the garage,” and “promising to clean the grease off all the kitchen appliances this month.”

Romantic Picnic on the Livingroom Floor. Let yourself be free of all inhibitions and don’t worry about the silliness of it.
Hank: Yeah, it’ll be fun alright, like “first fight” fun.

100 Reasons. Give your wife a list of 100 reasons why you love her written in beautiful script and rolled into a tube tied with fancy ribbon.
Hank: Or, in your case, since you’re gonna be pressed for time, just write a couple reasons on the white board next to the refrigerator and bring it to her attention sometime during the beautiful breakfast she lovingly prepared for you on this special occasion.

Window Shopping. You can go window shopping at the mall together and dream about the fine things you’ll someday own.
Hank: Yeah, take her window shopping and show her all the gifts you would have gotten her if you didn’t need that danged engine. Oh wait, you’ll be working on the car all day. Tell her instead, to take herself window shopping and jokingly tell her “imagine yourself buying anything you want, honey.”

Spa Treatment. Prepare a candlit bath for two with beautiful romantic music and candles surrounding you.
Hank: If you prepare a candlelit bath, put some romantic country tunes in the CD Player, add some Epsom salts to the bath water, and give your wife the big bottle of wine you’ve been saving for a special occasion, she may just be in there long enough for you to get started on that engine in peace.

Good Luck, cause you are gonna need it.


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Author: Ask Hank