Dear Hank,

My wife recently found out that I’ve been seeing some other women and now it seems like I’m in all kinds of trouble. She knew when we met that I was a swinger but now she’s pretending like she thought she was the only one I allowed to touch my balls. And the women I was (and secretly am still) allegedly playing around with on the side found out about each other, and now my job is in trouble. I make a lot of money in advertising, you know in marketing products and the like, but now my wife wants to divorce me and take my kids.

If I can’t make her love me again, is there anything I can do to make sure she doesn’t take away all my money AND my livelihood? And what can I do so that I don’t lose my gig with Nike?

Sincerely,
(Ass)Hole in One

Dear Asshole,

Regarding the trouble you are in with your wife, just thank your lucky stars that you aren’t married to Lorena Bobbitt and all you have to worry about at the moment is her ability to take away your money and your livelihood, not your manhood. Speaking of which, your manhood is still intact, and just in case you haven’t been reading the news headlines lately, you, my friend, are in luck.

If I was a betting person, I’d bet that you love the little hamlet of Las Vegas. Am I right? Well, on the outskirts of that town are legal brothels that just got the “green” light so to speak to offer male prostitutes in their establishments. Now, I’m no expert on the pay scale of these guys, but I’m pretty sure that if you could hold onto a few of your marketing clients by day and moonlight at a few of these ranches by night, you’d be making more than you actually make now. How? For one thing, you wouldn’t be paying any more hush money to “girlfriends” who have the same immoral compass as yourself. In fact, you’d have women paying YOU money. Yes, I know what you are thinking. Hank is a genius.

As for advertising gigs, sure there are companies that feel they have to appeal to a higher power and cut ties with you on principle, but others, including Nike, aren’t so quick to abandon that gravy train at the next stop, so quit worrying about it. All you need to do is lay low (not lay down) during the day, and try your best to suppress your cravings until after the 5 o’clock whistle blows.

Follow my advice and before you know it, you’ll be back on top, or under, or behind, or in-between, in no time.

-Kindest Regards,
Hank

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