NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate

Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate.

“Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,” said Dodson.

“Who wouldn’t be? It was a chance for me to question both candidates on what I think is one of the most important issues of the day.” Read more NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate

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Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell. Read more Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon

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The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF UZUPIS – In 1991 the people of Lithuania declared their independence from the Soviet Union. In 1997 the people of Uzupis, a district of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, declared their independence from Lithuania and got it, sort of.

Uzupis is a quiet part of town on the far side of the Vilnele River, east of the old town of Vilnius. It is a small district composed of a hill with the Vilnele wrapping around three of its bordering sides.

RIGHT: The editor responsible for placing this photo has no idea what it is or what it’s supposed to mean, so settled on “High Five for Uzupis!”(CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

For centuries it was the neglected part of town, lacking in simple amenities like running water.

It was often the home for prostitutes, squatters and other undesirables. During Soviet times artists started to move in and make it theirs. After the throwing off the Russians things continued to simmer in Uzupis until finally on April 1, 1997 (please note the other famous significance of this particular day- it is no coincidence) they declared themselves a free state.

A Constitution was drafted, their own flag created, a President and Cabinet elected, their own currency and anthem created and a standing army of 11 to 14 hardy souls enlisted (since disbanded, probably from lack of usage.)

The Constitution of Uzupis is unique in the congresses of the world as we know it. Some of its dictates are:

Everyone has the right to die, but it is not an obligation.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Everyone has the right to be happy.

Everyone shall remember their name.

Everyone is responsible for his freedom.

Everyone has the right to understand nothing.

Everyone has the right to appreciate his importance.

Uzupis appears to be doing better than in its sewerless days. Today here are nice shops, banks and restaurants there. The constitution is proudly displayed on a street wall in multiple languages along with the open hand symbol that stands for Uzupis.

A statue of an egg as symbol for the town has now been replaced by a more formal angel trumpeting the creative freedom of Uzupis, the egg having been moved to another local.

Another popular statue, that of a mermaid perched on a shelf, took a swim during a flood one year, and, once recovered, was given a safer perch to attend.

The hand with a hole in it is the symbol for the town and also makes up the Uzupis flag. It stands for the philosophy that in Uzupis no one can take anything from anyone else because the item taken would fall though the hole in the hand. Read more The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights

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Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment

Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff.

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Alexander,
I just wanted to agree with you that heading toward a fiscal cliff is absolutely terrifying. Unless, of course, you have a fiscal hang glider. Then it would be pretty fiscally radical. Have a nice day.
-BDF”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/405187662880509/.

The Extreme Sports League of America’s spokeswoman, Laurie Greatstone, has come out in protest against the remark.

“Fiscal hang gliding is a stupendously dangerous,” announced Ms. Greatstone at a recent press conference called in response to the post, “Dozens of amateurs died during last year’s fiscal cliff debacle. Encouraging others to take part in a sport that takes decades to master by calling it “pretty fiscally radical” is not only stupid, but also criminally irresponsible.”

Asked about the comment, Senator Alexander had this to say:

You damned kids with your newfangled roller blades, and walkmans, and fiscal hang gliders! Get the hell off my porch! (We were standing in the middle of the Capitol rotunda at the time of that quote)

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. If you have any information that could lead to his capture, please inform the Internet Police immediately.

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