WELL, HOW DID YOU ENJOY OUR EDGY BORIS JOHNSON QUIZ???
#1: LOVE AND HATE
But don’t let me ever hear you say hate is your enemy… Love has practically caused me to get you destroyed. If I had hated a little more – just a little more – we woulda had a little less trouble. If I look at my faults, analytically, sure you’ve got love – principle – but don’t say “hate is my enemy”. What do they say, what’s that verse? ‘Hate is my enemy. I’ve got to fight it day and night.’ And what else do they say, that other line? ‘Love is the only weapon.’ Shit! Bullshit! Martin Luther King died for his love. Kennedy died talking about something he couldn’t even understand, some kind of generalized love, and he never even backed it up! He got shot down! Bullshit, ‘love is the only weapon with which I’ve got to fight’! I got a hell of a lot of weapons to fight! I got my claws, I got cutlasses, I got guns, I got dynamite! I got a hell of a lot to fight! I’ll fight! I’ll fight! Ohh! I will fight! I will fight! I will fight! I will fight!… Let them hear it in the night!… Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhh, yes, we’ll fight! … They’re listening! Let the night roar with this! Ohhhh!… Let the night roar! Because they can hear us! They know we mean it! We’ll kill ’em if they come!”
ANSWER: REVEREND JIM JONES
#2: FACE EVIL
I defend absolutely the right of any woman to wear a headscarf. As for the full veil, wearing it breaks no laws.I go on to say that I think, however, that the conversation would be of greater value if the lady took the covering from her face. Indeed, the value of a meeting, as opposed to a letter or phone call, is so that you can – almost literally – see what the other person means, and not just hear what they say. So many of the judgments we all make about other people come from seeing their faces.
ANSWER: JACK STRAW
#3: FACE EVIL AGAIN
If you tell me that the burka is oppressive, then I am with you.If you say that it is weird and bullying to expect women to cover their faces, then I totally agree – and I would add that I can find no scriptural authority for the practice in the Koran.I would go further and say that it is absolutely ridiculous that people should choose to go around looking like letter boxes.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#4: GOING POSTAL
It’s got real potential and brilliant young people who want to do all sorts of tech.There’s a group of UK business people actually, I don’t know whether you will have come across this, wonderful guys, who want to invest in Sirte on the coast, near where Gaddafi was actually captured and executed, as some of you may have seen.They have a got brilliant vision to turn Sirte, with the help of the municipality of Sirte, into the next Dubai.The only thing they’ve got to do is clear the dead bodies.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#5: BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL
We do whatever we enjoy doing. Whether it happens to be judged good or evil is a matter for others to decide.
ANSWER: IAN BRADY
#6: DEH ISLAM TRAIN
Islam is the only religion that acts like the mafia that will fucking kill you if you say the wrong thing.
ANSWER: BILL MAHER
#7: TROUBLE IN PARADISE
What a relief it must be for Blair to get out of England. It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#8: STRANGE BEDFELLOWS
I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.
ANSWER: DONALD TRUMP
#9: KILLARY CLINTON
She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#10: WEALTH CREATION WANKER
We have to make sure that the promises we make… are promises we can keep, and there are various ways of doing that. One is, we can raise taxes on people…. Corporations are people, my friend! Of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people. Where do you think it goes?
ANSWER: MITT ROMNEY
#11: SURPLUS POPULATION, SURPLUS POLITICIANS
Ugly, stupid, poor people should not be allowed to have children.
ANSWER: ALAN B’STARD
#12: YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE FAITH
Some readers will no doubt say that a devil is inside me; and though my faith is a bit like Magic FM in the Chilterns, in that the signal comes and goes, I can only hope that isn’t so.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#13: TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF ILL HEALTH
We hear an awful lot of leftie whingeing about NHS waiting lists. Well the answer’s simple. Shut down the health service. Result? No more waiting lists.
ANSWER: ALAN B’STARD
#14: DIVERSITY DOUBLE-BINDER
I had the chance to pull together a cabinet, and all the applicants seemed to be men. […] I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks?’ And they brought us whole binders full of women.
ANSWER: MITT ROMNEY
#15: SUPERPREDATORS AND SUPERPOLITICIANS
We… have to have an organized effort against gangs. Just as in a previous generation we had an organized effort against the mob. We need to take these people on. They are often connected to big drug cartels, they are not just gangs of kids anymore. They are often the kinds of kids that are called superpredators — no conscience, no empathy. We can talk about why they ended up that way, but first, we have to bring them to heel.
ANSWER: HILLARY CLINTON
#16: NEEDY HILLARY
If Hillary can’t satisfy her hsuband what makes her think she can satisfy America?
ANSWER: DONALD TRUMP
#17: PLASTIC POPULISM
We take [this place] from the corrupt, the rich, the oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of opportunity – and we give it back to you, the people.
ANSWER: BANE
#18: EUROTRASH
Why should we, the country that produced Shakespeare, Christopher Wren, and those are just the people on our banknotes for Christ’s sake, cower down to the countries that produced Hitler, Napoleon, the Mafia, and the the the, the the the, the the the Smurfs!
ANSWER: ALAN B’STARD
#19: DIVIDE AND FOOL
Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it’s worked so well? … We had to break the whole thing up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn’t work. Now that we’re inside we can make a complete pig’s breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased, it’s just like old times.
ANSWER: SIR HUMPHREY APPLEBY
#20: RETURN OF THE DICKENS
There are 47 percent… who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. … My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.
ANSWER: MITT ROMNEY
#21: SIMPLE MINDS, SIMPLE PLEASURES
That is the best case for Bush; that, among other things, he liberated Iraq. It is good enough for me.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#22: BOMB, BABY, BOMB!
The only place where you and I disagree is with regard to the bombing. You’re so goddamned concerned about civilians and I don’t give a damn. I don’t care.
ANSWER: RICHARD NIXON
#23: BANGING THE DRUM
How we can possibly be giving a billion pounds a month when we’re in this sort of debt to bongo bongo land is completely beyond me.
ANSWER: GODFREY BLOOM
#24: SEMANTICS OF EMPIRE
What I mean and what I say is two different things… Words is oh such a twitch-tickling problem to me all my life.Meanings is not important… I cannot be right all the time. Quite often I is left instead of right…. The music is saying something to them. It is sending a message. I do not think the human beans is knowing what that message is, but they is loving it just the same.”
ANSWER: THE BFG
#25: LORD OF THE FLIES
No doubt the AK47s will fall silent, and the pangas will stop their hacking of human flesh, and the tribal warriors will all break out in watermelon smiles to see the big white chief touch down in his big white British taxpayer-funded bird. Like Zeus, back there in the Iliad, he has turned his shining eyes away, far over the lands of the Hippemolgoi, the drinkers of mares’ milk. He has forgotten domestic affairs, and here, as it happens, in this modest little country that elected him, hell has broken loose.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#26: A GOOD EGG
When I use a word… it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less…. The question is, which is to be master—that’s all.
#27: UNDIPLOMATIC MYANMAR TEMPLE VISIT:
BY THE old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin’ lazy at the sea,
There’s a Burma girl a-settin’, and I know she thinks o’ me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say:
“Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay! ”
Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay:
Can’t you ‘ear their paddles chunkin’ from Rangoon to Mandalay ?
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin’-fishes play,
An’ the dawn comes up like thunder outer China ‘crost the Bay!
ANSWER: RUDYARD KIPLING, QUOTED BY BORIS JOHNSON ON DIPLOMATIC VISIT TO MYANMAR
#28: GIFT-GAFFE GURUDWARA
we have to bring it clinking in our suitcases – Johnny Walker – we have to bring in whisky…
There is a duty of 150% on imports of Scotch whisky, so we have to bring it duty free for our relatives.
But imagine what we could do if there was a free trade deal between the UK and India.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#29: HARD LABOUR HIGHLIGHTS
The unanimous opinion is that what has been called the ‘Tottymeter’ reading is higher than at any Labour Party conference in living memory.
Time and again the ‘Tottymeter’ has gone off as a young woman delegate mounts the rostrum.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
#30: THE MORE YOU KNOW
… insanity and waste in Britain’s Town Halls…
One South London council appointed a full-time adviser to deal with the very special needs of gay alcoholics. Haringey hired someone to give hopscotch lessons to Asian women.
ANSWER: RICHARD LITTLEJOHN
#31: LAST RESORT
The real reason why Blackpool is buzzing with glamorous women is surely that they scent victory. It is not the great smell of Brut that makes John Prescott attractive. It is the whiff of power. With the fickleness of their sex, they are following the polls.
ANSWER: BORIS JOHNSON
See also:
Phony Tony!
Charismatic Leader Quiz: Who Said It? Hitler or Tony Blair? (Part 1)