UK comedians are known for their racy sense of humour. Ricky Gervais has used the word ‘mong,’ my satire guru Bernard Manning has been widely accused of racism, while Roy Chubby Brown is notoriously offensive.
Ireland, however, is very much a right-wing country, as demonstrated by their recent decision to go the way of Adolf Hitler and vote for the eugenicisation of the disabled.
Add to this the Stephen Fry blasphemy kerfuffle, and it’s clear that things are not looking good over there.
To make matters worst, a whole horde of edgy UK comedians have been arrested in a mass frenzy of respectable bourgeois-metropolitan high dudgeon.
In the rowdy land of the anarchic Celtic shit-stirrer Jonathan Swift, no less!
Here’s what happened.
The Lovely Boys Contest for the Most Offensive Joke in Ireland started off with a rather weak effort from respectable and highly genteel wild card Dara O’Briain.
Now isn’t it just LOOOOOOOVELY to see you all, my friends! Now, ya know what, we all have a little bit of trouble on the Twitter nowadays, now, don’t we lads? Now, ya see, the thing is, the way I see it:
Arguing on the internet is like playing the cracker game.
Even if you win, you’re still a wanker!
Dara was booed off stage for this excessively respectable and civil jest.
Ricky Gervais didn’t help matters when he roared:
It’s the fucking special Olympics, you mong!
Special guest Bill Clinton bemused wondered-out-loud:
Hey darlin’! Put your hand on this! … Mmm, that’s better.
Now what in the blazin’ hell could possibly wrong with jizzing on crackers, darlin’?
Rumour has it that after this comment, this allegedly high value unvetted guest was finally to be properly vetted at long, long last…
By ‘Crooked’ Hillary.
Anyway, that’s enough fun for now!
The competition had clearly got off to a bad start, but then things started to pick up a little.
Part time cocky, kooky Cockney charmer and full time Cockney, cocky kooky charmer Jim Davidson got with the local lingo and meeeeh-eh-eh-eh-eeeeehhhhhd out:
Evening, foreigners! How’s the taters? Time for a joke. Heh-heh-heh-heh-MEEURG-GH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHHHHHHH!
The notoriously handsome and gorgeous French President has written to the British people telling us we shouldn’t have voted for Brexit. And the media have been banging on about it for days non stop. I was a bit (sexually) OFFENDED at first… Then again, this is hardly the most toxic French letter I’ve had shoved down me throat this weekend!
At this point, pistols primed, the Hate Police started getting ready to pounce.
The jokes came thicker and faster, a bit like Bill’s… er, never mind.
Eventually, Frankie Boyle came on for the final act, and the audience practically swooned in anticipation.
Ah hear the women and abortionists have finally managed tae win the referendum tae get the 8th Amendment done away wee!
Now, this is ma question fer yeeeeeew.
Why do Irish feminists, even today…
Why do Irish feminists have a thing about scalpels?
BECAUSE MOST OF ‘EM ARE STILL STUCK UP CUNTS!
The sorely-be-triggered audience immediately lunged towards the stage and starting lynching the comedians.
The Guards eventually managed to take the horde 13 or so edgy comedians by brute force.
All of them are now facing a possible life sentence for community relations and public order offences.
The sole exception is Frankie Boyle, who claimed that he never used the word ‘women,’ as this is a hideously transphobic, cis-centric and exclusionary slur that he would never use in a million years.
Bitches wi’ cunts
Is the term he used, he assured us.
The police were happy enough with this, of course.
They even apologised for arresting him, explaining that they had been misinformed about the allegedly politically incorrect character of Boyle’s act. Some well meaning person had mistakenly thought Boyle had used a deeply, deeply transmisogynistic slur.
Bitches wi’ cunts? Sure ah do call me missus that one all the time!
Laughed one officer, immediately blushing and taking pains to ensure he had indeed voted the right way in the referendum, and sure who cares if ye need a scalpel up yer cunt, fer after all, sure haven’t times changed, and we don’t want those misogynistic little shits of the Catholic being paternalistic about our precious, lovely wee ladies now, to be sure!