Is There an Epidemic of Sexual Harassment By Psychiatrists? Read on to Get the Juicy Details!


So I went to the psychiatrist the other day and he said ‘Wallace, young man! You have to get off the heroin!’

‘Why,’ I asked. ‘Will it really make me go blind?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘Look, see this flaming heroine of yours you got ‘ere? Now I know our Holbeck prostitutes are intrepid lasses, and they’re used to unappealing clients, but even this girl has her limits!’

‘Ah OK,’ I said. ‘Is wanking OK though?’

‘No. If you keep churning yourself dry morning, noon and night, you won’t be able to see past the tip of yer own head, as my mother used to say.’

‘That’s funny,’ I said. ‘I don’t think anybody else has done either for the past say, 30 years or so!’

‘By nobody else, does that include my mother?’

‘Maybe. I couldn’t possibly comment.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know, I’m kind of feeling a bit choked up hearing about your late mother.’

‘Eh up! Less o’ the salty comments, lad! That said, when all’s done and dusted, she was always was that little bit later than me, put it that way! Very bad worker. I always finished much sooner, because putting your nose to the grindstone too much kinda stinks, dunt it! Eh?!’

Mildly underwhelmed by this tedious session, I went to go. I used to be in very high spirits when I went to psychotherapy; but by now, I think the magic had gone.

‘Oh by the way,’ he said, wagging his long, dainty, mildly elongated finger in warning.

‘Yes?’ I blinked, trying to pull my arse out of this boring shithole at long last.

‘Wallace, well, oof! Oof! How to say!’

‘Go on, you really have a habit of drawing these things out. Give it to me clean ‘n’ sweet, brother!’

‘Sorry Wallace, but you have got to stop masturbating.’

‘Why,’ I asked, ‘will it really make me go blind?’

‘Like right now! Without a second’s delay!’

‘Why,’ I asked again,  ‘will it really make me go blind?’

‘O’ course not, ya daft twat! But I’ve got a beautiful, firm, sturdy, patent-leather sofa here, and I don’t want it going soft.’

‘Well, if you want someone else to boss around next Friday evening, fill yer boots,’ I muttered.

‘Eh now! Don’t get a cob on, lad! Ah mean, not to be a dick about it or anything, young man! But the last time someone came on us leather, it took me about, I don’t know, five minutes to clean. Me being a diligent worker and all that; not to mention the biggest, bestedest, rugged old bruiser you’re ever likely to meet in your life!’

‘I can’t promise you not to cum on your leather boots. In fact, I can’t promise you anything at all. I don’t expect to be coming here ever again. You can shove my money up yer arse!’ I said, as I left.

‘Well, funny that!’ he smirked, finally raising his dainty hands for one final swipe. ‘That’s exactly what your last girlfriend said.’

***

The heroin joke is inspired by a friend who shall remain nameless, purely because his original heroin joke was much cleaner than my version… which is sheer filth! Completely out of character, of course!

Special love to the late and very-much-still-great Bernard Manning too, who was always kneeling over me and getting my juices going, as I deftly wielded my trembling pen.

***

UPDATE: 06 JULY 2018

I just remembered that this is a kind of satire story we don’t have enough of.

Do you have any ideas for medical humour; clean or grubby? Try sending them to us! wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

Thanks for reading. Please share what you just read, it really means a lot! Also, don’t forget to have a look at the following links.

First of all, you can like these Facebook pages. Do invite your friends, and don’t forget to share something interesting with them from time to time!

Glossy News

Wallace Runnymede

Check out my hilarious satire, beautiful poetry and amazing novels on Amazon.

Exciting books!

Follow me and my exciting e-zines:

Medium!

Please watch and share my videos! Comment always welcome:

Subscribe on Youtube.

Finally, please consider becoming my patron on Patreon! Your support as a subscriber really does mean a great deal. And even if you don’t want to be a patron (or you would really like to be, but just can’t right now) you can subscribe to the mailing list for free updates on my regular Patreon posts: both exclusive advance access ones for my patrons, as well as open access ones that anyone can read at any time!

Become a Patron!

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.