Hundreds of Slaves Rescued from IKEA Mines in Svooolsbaaard Mountains

In a sunrise raid in Sweden, which in fairness is about 4 hours long this time of year, UNPOL officers (not to be confused with Unipol) rescued dozens of blonde teenagers from the IKEA mines (not to be confused with ISIS, ISIL or Iain Duncan Smith) several meters from the company headquarters.

Ingvar Namewithheld was among the rescued, telling her tales of times spent stuck in the furniture mines.

“It was terrible down there. We were only allowed outside for 16-18 hours a day, and we had to count all the pieces that go into the Fjurblaards,” which we’re told is an industry term for the nut and bolt packets which accompany the flat-pack furniture.

Another teenager from the mines, Ingrid Haalsvar, who requested we not use her name, complained of the working conditions.

“All day we make the slats for the boards A to B and C to G, with gromuts from q and v, but we only get four to eight weeks of vacation. This is cruel.”

Many of the slim, blonde, teenage laborers reported working conditions which mean they don’t get to see the sun for half the year. When pressed as to if the sun actually rises in Sweden during those six months, they were silent, but silence speaks louder than words… except when it doesn’t. Or does it?

Shift supervisor Katarin Olgensen took a break from her company-mandated inter-department volleyball tournament to speak with us, sweat glistening off her face as if to make a real life angelic halo.

“Yes, we make them work, but we do pay them.”

When pressed for how much she was reticent, suggesting only “About 30 Euros per hour.”

When asked why the don’t offer paid vacation, maternity, or sick leave, she was even more dodgy, saying only, “You must be from America. Normal countries provide all these things. We don’t negotiate, they just get them. And it’s usually around 4-weeks of paid vacation.”

Acting CEO* Darnag Marginblarg was quick to point out that “though these workers are teenage, none of them are below the age of 18. These are all adults,” but what does that really mean?

* We confirmed that Darnag Marginblarg, though acting as the CEO, has no connection with IKEA, and was merely “acting” in the sense that we paid him $180 to appear in this capacity.

Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.