News sources from the Far East are reporting that a successful coup has brought the People’s Republic of China under Maltese control as a puppet state.
Sleeper agents from the island nation are believed to have been activated last evening in Beijing and proceeded to capture major instruments of government, including the Communist Party Central Committee and Central Military Commission.
After it became obvious that the Maltese tide was insurmountable, Chinese officials surrendered control of the country’s government early Saturday, granting full military access and political authority to Valletta. General Secretary of the CCP Xi Jinping himself sent a personal letter of capitulation to President of Malta George Abela which was intercepted by the press. The text reads:
Dear Mr. President, you won and thus I hate you.
At a press conference outside Girgenti Palace, Prime Minister Lawrence Gonzi discussed a broad collection of aspects to China’s new role in the Maltese sphere of influence. The first of these is a different name to reflect the shift of political leanings. Under Gonzi’s plan, China will be known as the “Catholic Liberal Republic” and led in the interim by former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania.
Details from a White House insider suggest President Obama has spent the last twenty-four hours dialing Abela incessantly to plead that he not call in all the U.S. debt presently held by China.
Malta’s boldness on the world stages comes on the heels of Luxembourg’s aggressive campaign to invade and annex Germany, which was completed last week with Maltese blessing.