Middle Earth Question Time: Jez Saruman Believes All Lives Matter!

Mr Saruman, will you condemn the mass atrocities of Mordor?

I condemn ALL indiscriminate mass murder of innocent civilians, whether perpetrated by Mordor, or by Gondor, or by anyone else in Middle Earth.

But nobody mentioned Gondor.

Well yes, funny that!

Can we just stay on topic, please. Will you condemn Mordor?

Why? What about all the terrible things that are happening in Rohan? Why does nobody ever talk about these things? The mainstream media are clearly biased. Is it the elves who are paying you to contact this shabby yellow journalism drive-by assassination?

Will you condemn Mordor?

I’ve already answered your question.

Will you condemn Mordor, Mr Saruman?

Why should I? Why are you trying to All Lives Matter the vile atrocities of the Shire Hobbits? Why is it only OK to condemn mass murder if Mordor are doing it?

Are you a Mordor sympathiser, Mr Saruman?

Of course not! What an utterly ridiculous question. Are you acting on the instructions of Rupert Murdoch?

Are you a Mordor sympathiser?

No, no, no, this is not really going anywhere! Now the Daily Mail really do have to be held to account for this disgusting harassment of me and my…

Are you a Mordor sympathiser, Mr Saruman?

Look, sometimes we have to work with people with whom we profoundly disagree. I’m afraid that is just how it is.

Are you a Mordor sympathiser? You still haven’t answered my question.

Look, I am the only person asking for dialogue with Mordor. Everyone else is saying dialogue is pointless. I wonder why? Now what could possibly be the true motivation behind the belligerent hostility of the anti-Mordor imperialists?

But is it true you laid a wreath to commemorate the vile and criminal, genocidal misdeeds of Morgoth? Do you condemn Morgoth, or not?

Well, there you are, you see? I’m afraid it really is very difficult to give some kind of short, simplistic ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to this. Look, do you actually want a nuanced response or not? You lot really are wasting my time.

One last try. Mr Saruman. Morgoth and Sauron want to take over the whole of Middle Earth and brutally exterminate anyone who gets in their way. Are you going to condemn this for us now? Or not?

… NO! WHY SHOULD I? AFTER ALL, HAVEN’T YOU HEARD ABOUT WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON IN GAZA?!

Picture from Pixabay.

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

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