Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

A confidential document by former dickwaver-in-chief, uh, dick waver in chief, uh, vice leader, uh, Vice President (as if!) Cheney has recently been uncovered to the world.

Well, this one has pretty much rocked all of us here at Glossy News, going forward.

Rocked us to the very marrow…

Or at least shook our bones up, anyways!

But as our passion is for generously giving out the goods with neither stiffness nor favor, guess we can just about bring it to you as up-front as ever! Fuckin’ straight up, right?!

Dick’s turgid leak shamelessly gushes forth, uh, spontaneously splurges out as follows:

Our current strategies are not working very well. Instead of assuming a onesidedly antagonistic stance towards Daesh, we need to get the Daeshi moderates on side, just like we did with the Moderate Taliban, Moderate Al-Qaeda, and moderate Olive Garden.

Now, I know some are saying we may struggle to find anyone from Moderate Daesh who can co-operate with us, but for what it’s worth (which ain’t much, let’s be honest!) here are my suggestions on how to find the real, true, Honest-To-God freedom lovers and defenders of our way of life and glorious post-constitutional, uh, quasi-constitutonal-ish, uh, frickin’-bitch-I’m-for-REAL-suckers-(!)-constitutional-order.

But how?

Well, Part Two of this charming story is on Glossy News tomorrow.

Can’t stop, can’t stop the Dick!
So read on everybody, and lose your shit!

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