Malicious and insidious recalcitrationalists from Glossynews and other disreputable non-Fox/-MSBC media outlets have been ignorantly and brutally ridiculing The Universal Interest.
And it’s purely on these grounds, and not on account of any cynical or disingenuous motivation whatsoever…
That President Obama has held a press conference in Arkansas, in order to prove the general greater-goody-goodiness of The Greater Good, and the hyper-monopolistic “Ourness” of “Our Common Humanity.”
Yes, the golden, honey-dripping tentacles of the wide-famed and noble “International Community” are now finally spreading beyond the narrow confines of Washington D.C.
Aye: for the first time in history, there will now be a genuinely International Community.
Soft power is kinda convenient when you can have it. I guess you common folks all know about that one, right?
Well, I’m writing letters to a wide variety of notable public figures, in order to order them to join our International Community, in a manner as consensual, enlightened, and downright unforced as possible.
First: Palestine. Not a country? Well, yeah, but it’s token observer status, right? Vatican City, anyone?
Oh, wait! Some bastard from the Middle East is pwnking me, I just can’t stand…
Oh, um, Avigdor! What a surprise! Wow!…
Uh, “replace Palestine with the future Greater Israel?” Now look, why can’t I put both Palestine and… look, everyone can have their cake and eat it…
Nah, I’m gonna cut you off, because you’re an asshole….
Huh? Next call: J-Street? Well yeah, of course Avigdor doesn’t speak for all Jewish people, but it sure makes some flashy left-wing performance theater!
OK, who’s next; phone call from Mahmoud Abbas? Hi, Mahmoud; oh no wait, you say your name is Khaled Mashal? Well, same difference… whew!
No, Khaled, you’ve got it all wrong… I’m not anti-Hamas, I like your honorable charity work, I’m just opposed to the bits where you blow up innocent schoolkids, I mean any leader that killed innocent kids in the Middle East at random ought to be in prison, or maybe even whiling his last lonely days out at the ICC…
International Chamber of Commerce? Oh well that’s spelt “ICC” too, better still!
Hah, don’t worry about that, my dearly beloved friends and followers. (I’m supposed to pretend I like both of these guys)…
Whoops! Teleprompter fail, the brackets just said I’m not supposed to actually read out loud the bits in brackets. Just a little hint to remind me. That’s why it’s tele…-PROMPTER! Hah! Gotcha!
Oh… no one’s laughing… sheesh, you guys aren’t as fun and supportive as you used to be. I just don’t get it. No, I really don’t get it at all…
Well, I feel like I’m never getting it, if I’m being honest; but then, why should I be? I’m not a dogmatic person.
Anyways…. we could also try China, but it doesn’t suit our purely-value-free-and-objective-strategic-considerations™ right now.
Anyway, yeah, could’ve tried Japan desu yo, but we don’t need those guys over there, somewhere, any more.
Well hey, I mean, seriously, my friends; what use is a mere FORMER prosperous economy to us? To hell with that…
The EU? But which province?…
Oh wait, according to Wikipedia, I just found out the other prompt… uh, the other day, that Europe is actually, technically, a continent.
Or something along those lines, anyways…
But that’s just metaphysical nonsense, as Rumsfeld also agrees. Oh and hey, speaking of metaphysics, Donald always used to advise me:
“Borders are made to be broken, so just get your frickin’ drones in there and TRASH THAT GODDAMN NURSERY!
See, we actually DO have some common ground with the GOP!
…Even despite the rampant self-congratulatory arrogance of the latter!
India? Well, they’re not being good to gay people right now, and so I would maybe think they would function more as a stick to beat any other recalcitrationists against The Universal Interest.
Same for Russia.
… I mean, a homophobic state is a homophobic state; that’s the key, indeed the only remotely consequential thing.
Yup! It’s not about so-called “gay individuals” and their merely micro-level interests and concerns; always keep in mind The Greater Good.
Yeah, I mean maybe, you know, I kind of think I sort of know for absolute dead certain that…
Yeah, to wit, that once you intuitively perceive a state failing in one particular human rights issue in the slightest way whatsoever, then you can know for sure that they can be safely ignored as a brutal graveyard of all merely individual and partisan well-being and…
… Well yeah, I mean I’m about done with all that “change” crap by now.
And let me just say this (well, I might as well! I’m the President, and I have every right to say what I want):
Yes: the USA will never persecute gay people. If anything, we will bomb the crap out of any country that treats gay people badly.
Yeah… “if anything.” You know when I say that, I really mean “business!”…
Whoops, sorry; that was an unfortunate pun… or maybe Freudian slip! Ah, damn that teleprompter!
Well… join “us” next time for “more of the same” (excuse the unfortunate word play there).