Categorized | Politics, War Zone

David Cameron Apologises for “Humanitarian Caliphate” Smear

David Cameron Apologises for “Humanitarian Caliphate” Smear

David Cameron has been forced to make a humiliating climbdown, after incorrectly claiming that the Humanitarian Caliphate is an even better caliphate than the Daesh/IS/ISIS/ISIL/IKEA one.

Calm down dear; listen to what the Grand Physician says… sorry, I mean, “orders you to believe. ”

I only meant it in a flippant manner, not in a po-faced, dusty manner like the Kippers. My point was that we have a lot in common with ISIS, except we are even better.

I mean, we all want a single, centralized, omnipotent world order that controls and oppresses everyone, without the slightest hint of dissent. It’s just that while both orders are unaccountable, ours is unaccountable but legitimate, while ISIS is unaccountable but illegitimate.

Similarly, we all share a common humanity. ISIS wants to turn everyone into slaves of Allah; but we only want to turn everyone into white, middle-class straight males.

ISIS is under the rule of a single Almighty God and his representatives. The same is true for us, except our Gods are not wicked ones like Allah; the leaders of the International Community don’t smite people with fire and brimstone when they disagree with us. We tend to use napalm and chlorine, or the odd nuclear explosion when it suits us.

ISIS behead anyone who disagrees with their ideology. We are nicer. We merely characterize them as unpatriotic vermin who fully deserve to be beheaded, but probably won’t be, because it might make things a bit troublesome for us later on.

ISIS want to presumptuously and unilaterally impose a single economic, business and financial model on the world by brute force, and blackmail or brutalize anyone who disagrees, and who would rather do things their own way. No reasonable person would ever accuse us of that.

ISIS do not seek to persuade their enemies using reason, science, logic and an openhearted, dialogical approach. They function via monological threats and brute force, promoting an atmosphere of terror, anxiety and uncertainty…

Resorting to fear, intimidation, ideological indoctrination, cynical appeals to rhetorical fictions, and generally irrational and disreputable means of distorting the facts and corrupting the characters of individuals. Again, this is completely different from what we do.

(In any case, we don’t need to do that anyway, because it’ s pointless. It’s not as though reasoning with all the gutter proles and plebs who infest this beleaguered island is to any purpose. They will never understand what is in their objective interest).

ISIS have a dualistic, Manichean view of the world. You are either on the side of civilization, or the side of barbarism. You are good, or evil. If you are not with me, you are against me. However, all true patriotic British citizens of the Global Village agree that this is nothing like us…

Well, what kind of filthy, disreputable, disloyal, hateful, fratricidal SCUM could possibly think otherwise?

Not everyone agrees. For one, Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi says:

“You know you’ve got problems, when the only thing you’ve got in your favor is that you’re less brutal than us. You might as well quit while you’re behind, Dave.”

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