Biden Real Hero of Somali Pirate Standoff

In an interview with the Washington Post today, Vice President Joe Biden took credit for resolving the USS Bainbridge-Somali pirate standoff last April.

“When we heard what was goin’ down, I said, ‘Boss, lemme go out there and take charge. Those guys are just working-class, blue collar pirates. I know howta get down ‘n dirty with people like that if I hafta.’ So the Big O says, ‘Go for it, Joe.'”

Twelve hours later, Mr. Biden said, he was aboard the Bainbridge and had assumed temporary command of the ship. “I parleyed with the pirates in Somali, which I speak fluently. They musta been hopped up. Wouldn’t listen. Finally, I decided to move on ’em.”

Mr. Biden said he nixed a proposal to have a SEAL dive team surface near the boat, climb in, and overwhelm the pirates. “No waterboarding, I said. Not in this administration.” Instead, the Vice President assigned sniper teams to the ship’s fantail, spotting for one of them.

“Soon’s my boys took ’em down, I dove in, grabbed our hostage, and got ‘im back to the ship in twelve foot seas. Don’t make me out like a hero, now. Just doin’ my job.

Author: Sagman44

Sagman44 was born in Brooklyn and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Sagman44 began a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. One legacy of Sagman44’s time in education: his distaste for arrogant teens and the expression, “F--- you.” He spends his spare time roaming the city with a can of spray paint, examining subway walls and tenement halls, adding “th” to the curse wherever he finds it.