General Mills Out of Egypt: We’re Not Coup-Coup for These Cocoa Puffs

International food conglomerate and global diabetes proponent General Mills this week announced that they’ll be shuttering operations in Egypt, following unrest, citing “things to cuckoo even for us.”

The 2nd largest buyer of corn syrup in the history of the world announced this week that they’ll suspend manufacturing of “hearty, nutritious, vitamin fortified breakfast cereals” in the “land of three massive pyramids” citing unrest, looting, and to the least extent, the burning down of their factory.

“[The] thing went up like a candle,” said Omar Aziz, a local Fruit Bargler. “All that corn syrup was all the fuel that was needed. These protests were just a wick for it… Poof, the whole thing went up like a menorah, Chinese fireworks, or something else I’ve never seen but only imagined,” adding, “Death to America!”

There are no reported deaths, as the factory was apparently shut down at the time for the locally celebrated “Doctor Jones Day”. The only reported injury is from a single guard at the site, who is said to have already been released from hospital with minor injuries.

“You think this is funny?” asked self-proclaimed infidel and art vandal Jarhim Wharadi, “We like our cereal like we like our women. Plain and covered in a shroud of hand-sewn wool.”

Much, much less on this story as it fails to fully develop.

Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.