Dear Viewers,
As of late, our producers received several demands for diversity within our movies. Our strong white cis actor presence is something we recognize. Although we do not understand what “cis” means, a heterosexual female employee who once drunkenly kissed a woman at a college party is researching this term and creating a staff meeting PowerPoint. I believe we will have the answer soon. In order to appease the demands, we are currently creating several film remakes. Here is the following potential list:
Christmas Wishes and Multicultural Dishes
A Dash of Sexually Fluid Love
Drag Queen Crown for Christmas
A Country Gay Wedding
Dear Multiracial Santa
Time for Me to Come Out for Christmas
Interracial Love by Chance
While some people claim that our channel knowingly purports a white supremacist, 50’s backwards ideology, this was never our intention. Hallmark aims to prove this. Currently, we are scouring talent agencies, local pride, and racial equality events for new actors. Please see the following cast calls that are currently posted on our website:
Seeking: Very, very not white actors whose skin pigment is at least Tumbleweed Crayola Crayon brown. Specifically seeking those whose first names are commonly used in popular rap or Spanish songs. Microsoft office proficiency preferred.
Seeking: An actor with Elton John level homosexual skills. Must be comfortable kissing a same-sex actor whose first names are commonly used in popular rap or Spanish songs. Compensation will be provided for this challenging role.
At Hallmark, we are striving to reach diversity on all levels. We are currently seeking new employees to establish a varied ethnic and sexual orientation pool. Please share the following job posting:
Employment Opportunity: Marketing Manager. Skills must include Microsoft Office and a concrete background in negative media solutions. Employee must be comfortable writing names commonly used in popular rap or Spanish songs. Preferred background: Has kissed at least one same-sex individual. Skin tone is also preferred as not snow white.
Hallmark is working towards a bright, new future. We hope you’ll join us.
Sincerely,
The Hallmark Channel Corporation