DOWN WITH HATE SPEECH! Bipartisan Bill Finally Makes US Corporations Protected Class

The notoriously divided America of today has many disputes and disagreements, whether it be border security, the climate crisis or social media conflict by liberal snowflakes and conservative trolls.

But if there’s one thing the Republican and Democrats can agree on, it’s the importance of protecting vulnerable minorities…

Or at least vulnerable economic minorities, anyway! Echoing the compassionate conservative Bush administration’s ban on droning banks, the GOP and the Democratic Party have both come to a clear consensus that decades of indiscriminate, vitriolic hatemongering against wealth creators and corporate persons poses an existential threat to the harmonious and peaceful social order that American corporations and enterpreneurs have been tirelessly laboring to build for so long.

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi murmur ecstatically:

Despite an apparently interminable campaign of hatred throughout the entirety of American and even human history, the dawn of economic tolerance is finally upon us. No longer shall this miniscule, oppressed minority be permitted to be hounded, disparaged, brutalised and defamed. The arc of history, as they say, is long; but it curves towards justice. These brave new measures demonstrate quite clearly our compassion and concern as a society for those who are the least among us; for truly, as they say, the first shall be last, and the last shall be first.

Future centrist POTUS Lindsey Graham says:

Millennia of unspeakable hatred cannot somehow be miraculously wiped away, all at once; but we can at least swear together to walk the path of harmony and brotherly love, to ensure that the unspeakable barbarism, the unbridled zealotry and horrific persecutions of this disenfranchised and disempowered minority will never be repeated.

The President, of course, is no less pleased.

Trump University… A SCAM?! Look, you would not BELIEVE what they are saying about my corporations. Tremendous corporations. Tremendous wealth-creator. The dishonest FAKE NEWS media have gotten away with defaming, and lying, and, oh well folks… Look at them. Just look at them. Craaaaazy CNN. Craaaaazy Uncle Jim! They tried to silence the Donald. But they just couldn’t do it. How dare they, ladies and gentlemen. How dare they. From now on, my fellow American wealth creators; you will never be left alone. Because when economic tolerance fills your heart, there is simply no room for hatred!

So far, neither party has tried to flag any ‘First Amendment issues’ with this inflammatory new Bill. Pelosi does reassure us, however, that social justice and tolerance are far weightier concerns than narrow constitutionalist legalism; while Chris Christie reassures us that McDonalds is about to close in five minutes, and we’d better just STFU and stop bothering him if we don’t want to end up falling afoul of this stunning new milestone in the eternal victory march of American progress.

Psst! … Have you ever seen Chris’s victory march hug, by the way?

Well, maybe we’ll spare y’all, just this once!