Edinburgh based film critic Mary Watkins has been arrested for shooting dead sixty four cinema goers at an Ealing cinema.
One witness commented:
It all started with her open disapproval of the opening credit names in the introduction to the movie.
She yelled out, ‘Where the hell are the iconic Hollywood names in this movie!’ I think she anticipated a star-studded cast:
HILDA SPLAT
SID PIPES
TED SPLODGE
CHARLIE SMAT.
The audience started giggling and this further incensed her.
She yelled, ‘Shut the hell up you puerile bunch, where are the stars in this movie!’
FANNY STUMP
GERTRUDE PUFF
OLIVE CRUMPLE
DR. BILL SLOP.
The chuckles gained momentum with each silly name credited.
She screamed, ‘What the hell is so funny? keep it down!’
HERBERT PAP
LORD SPONGE
MOLLY FLAP
MO CHIPS.
The audience roared in hysterics.
The critic screamed,
‘Where is… Nicholson?, Streep?, Cruise?, De Niro? …
ALFIE SNACK
BOB FLANGE
TREVOR SMESH
STAN BUFF-BAG.
The entire cinema audience guffawed to the point of passing out, making wild animal noises as they coughed their snacks out into the air:
CYRIL CHURMS
CEDRIC BUNCE
GEOFF SQUIRMES
MAGGIE PINGO-BINGO.
The audience screamed with joy. Tears ran down their faces as they rolled down the isle. Then without warning the critic stood up and shot the audience.
In the subsequent police interview Mrs Watkins was asked by the interviewing officer why she had committed such an appalling atrocity.
She replied,
Well, they were making so much noise, they would have ruined the silent film!
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