Tim Jones: Hey kids. Wanna hear a bedtime story?
Several young children: Yes, Mr. Tim! Please tell us a story!
Tim: Okay, but I should warn you. It’s a scary tale!
Johnny (age 9): I love scary stories, Mr. Tim!
Tim: Well, if you insist. But this is a very, VERY scary story!
Kevin (age 8): You can’t scare me, Mr. Tim!
Tim: We’ll see about that, Kevin.
Once upon a time there lived a mean and angry ogre called the TRUMP. The TRUMP was YUGE. He had an ugly orange face, like the scariest Jack-o’-lantern you’ve ever seen. His hair was made of golden straw. He lived in a fancy palace built of gold. And every few years, when the TRUMP tired of his latest wife slave, he would trade her in for a younger, prettier mail-order bride.
The TRUMP was feared by all. If anyone dared speak ill of him, his orange face would turn red and his straw hair would stand on end and he would threaten to destroy them – or worse, sue them for all the pennies in their piggy bank. Oh, he was a very mean ogre!
The TRUMP hungered for fame and power and palaces. So, one day, he declared he wanted to become ruler over the entire kingdom. He told the simple folk that their lives were miserable and that ONLY HE could make them happy again. They believed him – especially the ones living in the red villages.
The peasants gathered throughout the land in record-breaking crowds, wearing his red cap, chanting his name and singing his praises. The TRUMP grew wild with power. He spread lies to incite his followers into hating foreigners and he warned them only to watch Fox News. Before long, all the simple folk believed that the TRUMP would MAKE THE KINGDOM GREAT AGAIN and they chose him to become their ruler.
On the day the TRUMP took the throne, little did the simple folk know that the only creature he cared about was himself. He insisted that his servants only tell him good news about how his subjects loved him. And he banished anyone who questioned his wisdom, with these frightful words: YOU’RE FIRED!
Every morning before sunrise, the new king issued decrees about how wise he was and how much the people loved him, and how Meryl Streep was overrated. These pronouncements became known as “tweets.” With these tweets, the TRUMP tried to control the minds of the simple folk.
But the TRUMP was not clever enough to do this all on his own. Lurking in the shadows was his trusted henchman, Sir Steve, the Bannoned One, who whispered evil plots in his ear as he watched TV.
One day, the TRUMP, fearing a revolt from within his palace, fired the Bannoned one. Without Sir Steve’s evil genius to guide him, the TRUMP’s tweets made him sound more like a bird-brain.
It soon became clear to many that the TRUMP had no idea how to rule over his enormous kingdom. He refused to let thousands of war-torn, starving refugees enter the walls of his kingdom, simply because they believed in the wrong God (namely, not him).
His angry speeches began to divide the kingdom’s people against one another: black against white, rich against poor, people with brains against idiots. One day, hundreds of angry white TRUMP adorers carrying tiki torches marched, chanting, “Jews out! Blacks out!” This pleased the TRUMP greatly, and he went on TV to proclaim there were many fine people among this group. Then he told of his plans to build a beautiful YUGE wall around the kingdom to keep out all the bad people.
Rumors spread that the TRUMP didn’t read. One very brave critic even called him a MORON! His servants worried about his sanity. Worse yet, suspicions arose that the TRUMP and his minions had plotted with the kingdom’s greatest enemy, a faraway land called Russia, to help put him on the throne. Together it seems they had spread nasty stories about the King’s nemesis, Crooked Princess Hillary, in the fabled Book of Faces.
Courageous souls started to investigate his odd and nefarious dealings with Russia’s evil King Vladimir. This made the TRUMP so mad that he stomped his feet and pounded his tiny fists. He fired those who tried to uncover his dastardly dealings. But others arose, who asked even more questions about the TRUMP’s treachery.
The TRUMP suspected betrayal everywhere he looked. He even turned against the allies of his kingdom. When they asked TRUMP to join all the other countries to save the world’s air and water, he turned his back on them, laughing, “Not my problem!” Then a hurricane destroyed all the villages on the kingdom’s beautiful island called Puerto Rico. But because these subjects had brown skin and spoke a language the TRUMP didn’t understand, he ignored their cries for help and instead played golf. What a selfish king.
Then one day, the ruler of the rival kingdom of North Korea called the TRUMP a “frightened dog.” This made the TRUMP so furious that he barked and threatened to nuke his rival’s kingdom.
Meagan (age 6): My mommy nukes stuff all the time in the microwave. Is she a bad person too, Mr. Tim?
Then the TRUMP announced he would change the way his subjects were taxed, promising them refunds beyond their wildest dreams. Little did they know that he was lying to them, planning to make himself and his wealthy backers even wealthier than ever, while the rest of his subjects became even poorer – and had their healthcare stolen from them.
People heard about these evil plans and began to plead for their futures. But, once again the TRUMP ignored their pleas, choosing instead to watch himself on TV and making Fox and Friends his BFF – because they said he was an awesome ruler.
Then he declared –
Kevin (age 8): STOP, MR. TIM. PLEASE STOP!!! This is just too scary. The TRUMP Monster sounds horrible. How could you tell us such a terrible, scary story? You’re going to give me nightmares!
Tim: I hear ya’, little buddy. It gives me nightmares all the time. Want me to read something a little cheerier? How about The Little Mermaid?
Vicky (age 6): Yippee! I love mermaids!