Movement for New State “North Colorado” Meets Opposition from Reality

“What makes no sense is the current movement by 10 counties in northern Colorado and a few in Nebraska and Kansas to band together to make a new state called North Colorado.” – The New York Times – July 11, 2013

What perhaps makes no sense to The New York Times may, in fact, make perfect sense to those pushing for the new state of North Colorado. If you don’t like gun regulation, oil company regulation and alternative energy sources then maybe this is the state for you.

But why stop there? It looks like there are other pockets of people throughout the country who feel aggrieved and would like to form their own new states, too. States like these:

Four Corners

You can’t get much more remote than the point where the four states Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona touch. That’s why the residents of the adjacent counties of these states have decided to break away and petition for statehood.

“They haven’t got a clue in Phoenix about our needs up here in Saint Johns,” said Joel Youngblood, longtime resident of Apache County. “We might as well be in Utah for all they care.”

Montezuma County in Colorado and the two San Juan Counties in New Mexico and Utah all look to be on board for this new initiative. The only major roadblock appears to be a concern among some Colorado and Arizona residents that the two San Juans would overshadow them.

“It’s not that I don’t trust Utahans and New Mexicans,” said Mr. Youngblood. “But I can easily see both San Juan counties ganging up on the rest of us and then we’d be right back at square one.”

East Virginia

The residents of the District of Columbia have long felt shortchanged by their non-state status. For years, they’ve lobbied for additional rights and representation with little success. So now some Washingtonians have decided to take a different approach and apply for statehood.

“There’s a Virginia and a West Virginia,” said D. C. resident Arnold Bixby. “Which just begs the question: ‘Where’s East Virginia?’. Well, now we’ll know.”

Although East Virginia would be the smallest geographical state in the union, it wouldn’t be the smallest in population and thus would have at least one House seat and two senators like all the rest.”

“I’m not saying that we’d be more successful,” said Bixby. “But at least we’d then have some folks to blame.”

New Mont

The two small states of Vermont and New Hampshire have been national afterthoughts for over 200 years. Well, no more if some residents get their way and merge the two into a new powerhouse called New Mont.

“We don’t even get any respect in New England much less the rest of the country,” said Montpelier resident Benie Allen. “But if we join with New Hampshire, we’d have almost two million residents and we could start throwing our weight around.”

If the new state comes into existence, it will overtake both Maine and Rhode Island in population and Vermonters and New Hampshirites (New Hampshiremen?) will have an easier time identifying themselves simply as New Monters.

Panhandler

Perhaps the most ignored and least understood Americans are those who live in its three western panhandles. Thus, the panhandling residents of Idaho, Texas and Oklahoma are hoping to tie the knot as one big panhandled state.

“Sure, it’s going to pose some logistical problems,” said Oklahoma’s Cimarron County supervisor Bill “Okie” Morris. “But we have so much in common with our panhandling cousins in northern Texas and northern Idaho that I’m sure it’ll be a win-win-win for all of us.”

Mr. Morris’s initial optimism appeared to wane after an organizational meeting held on neutral ground in Cheyenne, Wyoming ended in drunken fistfights and gunfire when the attendees could not agree on a capital for their new state.

“We were able to agree on the vulture as our new state bird and the stinkweed as our state flower,” said Morris from his hospital bed in Cheyenne. “But after that, it was all a blur.”

Author: Dave Martin

Dave Martin's humor and political satire have appeared in many major North American newspapers including The N. Y. Times, The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune. His latest humor collection is entitled "Screams & Whispers" available on Amazon.com and he blogs at www.davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.com.