High Unemployment Rate Leads to Rise in Suckers

Wash. D.C.- At the Bureau of Labor Statistics, economists announced the unemployment rate had not changed in any significant way, there was one sector of the economy that had grown unexpectedly.

“Scams are in,” says notable economist Tim Kane. “Although the numbers are hard to track, I think we have found ourselves a new, American, cottage industry. It’s good to see some of the unemployed take initiative to scam their fellow indigents, thus employimg them in the scamming sector of the economy.”

“With the high volume of patsies available and ease of scamming using the Internet, distress and overwhelming need were all that was needed to set this market off.”

Scams had been traditionally off shored to places like Nigeria, a country whose princes seem to always be held up by bureaucratic bank procedure.

Other offshore scamming tactics have been your relative in dire straits on a European vacation, poor south-east Asian farm girls who need financial assistance to make it to America to sleep in big comfy beds with big strong American man, or the old fashioned fake ransom in South America.

Ben Bernanke stated that this, “was exactly what this jobs market needed. I knew that the void created by the economic stagnation would only give way to another emerging market. It was only a matter of time American ingenuity would catch up to the need. The unemployed are a perfect source of dupes, fools, and saps that this fledgling industry relies on.”

“The unemployed are so desperate, their gullibility has reached an all time high,” explained John M. Galvin, acting commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

“With such a high volume of potential suckers out there, some one was bound to take advantage of the opportunity. This makes the unemployment rate somewhat self regulated. It’ll all sort itself out once every one jumps on the scam band wagon. It’s the fastest growing sector of our economy today.”

The new American made scamming techniques include needing potential employees to submit a credit check to get social security numbers, “Free iPad” in craigslist jobs postings, and fake charitable organizations for those particularly hopeless stooges who believe karma is effecting their luck with job searches. If you need a new SSC, learn how to get a new social security card quickly here. Nobel-Prize winner, Paul Krugman, tried simplifying this phenomenon in a lecture at Princeton. He stated that, “this isn’t the first time in history we’ve seen an emergence in scamming.

After most of the south was burnt to the ground after the Civil War, carpetbaggers moved in to take advantage of the overwhelming melancholy facing the destroyed infrastructure of the south. There isn’t too much different about today. There is a portion of the population who deem it necessary to take advantage of the dire needs of the unemployed.”

Although most of the revenue gained from scamming largely goes unaccounted for, Tim Kane reassures the American public that “Not all untaxable sources of revenue are a bad thing. GE payed 0% of billions in revenues, these scam artists are a relative drop in the bucket. The revenue from these scams are redistributed back in the economy when the perpetrators buy consumer goods and services, keeping local economies afloat.”

He went on to add, “Ponzi Schemes are scams that destroy our economy, particularly by victimizing job creators. Although I will say, these swindlers are well on their way to becoming the next generation of business leaders. It’s all just a matter of business models.”

Author: Jason Velez

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

2 thoughts on “High Unemployment Rate Leads to Rise in Suckers

  1. Who says there no quick and easy path to riches! Did he try scamming? No, he only tried being scammed. All he has to do is reverse the process.

  2. My brother was always the first to try any get rtich quick scheme he could find. He must have spent thousands on seminars and mailers before he learned that there’s no quick and easy path to riches. I dunno, it worked for all the people that he bought stuff from.

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