Fort Hood Massacre Not Terrorism, “Simply a Case of Islamic Involuntary Assisted Suicide”

Washington, DC: President Obama was quick to urge calm today in the wake of the Fort Hood Massacre. In his remarks, the President urged Americans “to wait until all the facts are in” before drawing conclusions as to the motives of the assailant, Army Major Nidel Malik Hasan.

“Our preliminary reports indicate that this is not a case of Islamic terrorism,” the President told the press corps at an early morning news conference. “Just because a man goes around telling everyone he knows that Islamic terrorists are justified in their actions, posts terroristic threats on his website, and then screams ‘Allahu Akbar’ as he starts indiscriminately shooting into a crowd of unsuspecting non-combatants, does not necessarily make his actions terrorism.

To the contrary, our information leads us to the conclusion that Major Hasan’s actions were a result of a failed national health care system. Many medical professionals, of which Major Hasan was one, strongly support the right of assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. As of now, the vast majority of states prevent patients and doctors from exercising this right, and it needs to change. Major Hasan’s actions were nothing but a cry for help. A cry to help terminally ill patients end their lives with dignity.”

BNSE asked the President to clarify his position in light of the fact that none of the murdered or injured in Hasan’s attack were terminally ill, or suffering from any major medical condition. The President replied:

This is a teachable moment in how we, as Americans, fail to understand differing cultures and values from around the world. As a Muslim, Major Hasan may have had a broader outlook on what actually constitutes assisted suicide, and we should respect that. Perhaps to Islamic sensibilities, assisted suicide in the medical profession has more of an ‘involuntary’ component than we have in the West.

This does not make it wrong, but just highlights the need for Congress to set the parameters of what is an what is not acceptable in end of life decision. I urge Speaker Pelosi to include tough, proactive, definitions of how and when assisted suicide will be administered in the United States in her health care bill, so we can prevent further cultural misunderstandings like the events at Fort Hood in the future.

A high ranking insider to the Obama White House confidentially clarified the President’s remarks:

The last thing we want is to have is American using their common sense and realizing that despite the fact that 99% of all Muslims are peaceful, normal, people; there is a distinct minority that supports terrorist acts. If that happens, the next thing you know, everyone who hears a Muslim threatening to blow himself up at a little league game, or ‘take out’ a Jewish day care center with a pipe bomb will be reported to the F.B.I. with the expectation that we should do something about it. This is blatant discrimination against those who make terroristic threats, and cannot be allowed.

After a few examples of our incompetence proving that we are either unable, or unwilling to protect citizens from those most likely to harm them, people will begin to question why we are systematically destroying everyone’s civil rights in the name of stopping terrorism. People will being to wonder why grandma is getting a strip search at the airport, while the young, profusely sweating and nervous Middle Eastern youth is not. It’s unlikely, but possible, that this would spur millions of Americans to demand non-intrusive, sensible solutions in all of our government’s actions. Nothing could be more harmful to this Administration’s agenda.

In other news, the Department of Homeland Security announced they are currently investigating any connection between Major Hasan and the “Ron Paul for President” movement.

Author: Fuzzy Duffy

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1 thought on “Fort Hood Massacre Not Terrorism, “Simply a Case of Islamic Involuntary Assisted Suicide”

  1. As a Muslim, I found this highly amusing and accurate. Most of the anti-Muslim feeling is coming from people who are unable to express opinions that are completely aceptable to me, like questioning the Petro Dollar conversion of the Muslim world to an ideology that is alien to most there. A lot of the so called ‘Terrorists’ hail from the West and are educated and raised in the West. What does that tell you about the education in these places???????? Petro dollars coupled with the leftest cultural relativism within the education system is helping this situation.