Tag Archive | "suicide"

‘What Dreams Shall Come’ – A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams


Suicides where always a pain for Detective Malny. Always ugly. Always depressing, although he never let that show.

This one especially.

Robin Williams.
One of the most famous comics ever.
The guy who always made people laugh.
Found hanging by a belt. By his own hands.

He was met at the house by Detective Tromsa, one of the first ones on the scene, someone he had worked with often before.

“Hello. It looks like we got a big one today.”

“Yeah, we sure do. Robin Williams. It’s pretty obvious he killed himself.”

Malny backed up and looked over the house. “Of all people.”

“Yeah, said Tromsa. “You wouldn’t expect it from him.”

“You never know.” said Malny. ‘Sometimes these people have things going on that no one realizes. No evidence of foul play?”

“None. It is pretty obvious that it is simply a suicide.”

“Any note or anything?

‘No, just his cell phone.”

“Anything on it?”

“Haven’t looked yet.”

“Let’s check that out.” (They talk as Tromsa investigates the phone messages.) I was never a big fan of his, but he seemed like a decent guy.’

“Yeah. But he got into the typical Hollywood cocaine crap. That could have something to do with it. It looks like he went into rehab a month ago. His wife also said he has been diagnosed with Parkinsons.”

“Ooh. That will do it. That’s that same thing that Micheal J. Fox has, isn’t it?”

“I believe so.” said Tromsa. “That would be enough to send anyone over the edge.” He scans the telephone as he talks. “I’ve seen a couple films of his that were good. Good Will Hunting was great. Not his typical role. He had to play it pretty straight. La Cage Aux Folles was a hoot. He played this gay cabaret owner with Gene Hackman as his straight brother in law.”

“Ha! That must have made for some fireworks!”

“Yeah! And the weird part of it was Williams wasn’t his usual manic self. He was more subdued!”

“You are kidding? Playing a gay guy?”

“Yup, playing a gay guy. You would think he would go all out on that one.”

“I liked a couple of his too.” admitted Malny. “Good Morning Vietnam was good. Then he did a weird one called What Dreams May Come where he dies and goes to heaven…”

“Oh yeah! And he meets Cuba Gooding there who is his guide. That was a trippy one. Incredible scenery of heaven. He finds out his wife has gotten depressed and killed herself and he searches for her.”

‘Yeah, that was a wild movie. The special effects were unbelievable.”

“I really liked that one. It was beautifully made……..” Tromsa trails off, looking at the phone. “That is strange.”

“What is it?”

“There is a message here from Williams himself it looks like.’

“A phone message?”

“No, a text message.”

“What is so strange about that?”

“The time of his death was around midnight. This message is from 4 AM.”

“What? Are you sure it is from Williams himself?”

“That or from someone using his phone.”

“What does it say?”

Lines deepen on Tromsas face. “What Dreams May Come is true!’

“That;s bizarre! And it has Williams own number attached to it?”

It sure looks that way.” said Tromsa.

“Let me see.” he takes the phone. “Someone must be making a joke.”

“Who would have known about his death?”

“Wait a minute! There is a message coming through right now!”

“A text?”

“Yes.”

“What does it say”

Malny is silent as he reads the message. Finally, in a hushed voice he says “What Dreams May Come is real. I can see it now for myself. I apologize for leaving the mess.”

Tromsa gazes down at the phone in his hand. “What number is on display?”

“Williams own.” says Malny breathlessly.

The men both fall silent as they stare down at the phone. Finally Malny says something. “Unlisted number?”

‘Yes.”

“No one outside the family and his assistant know about his death?”

“Yes.”

Malny looks at Tromsa. ‘I don’t think I am going to report this.”

“Good idea.” replies Tromsa.

Both of the men, each of them well seasoned LA cops, turn to go about their work, both a bit paler than usual, both with unvoiceable questions coming to the forefront of their thoughts.

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Synchronized Suicide Attacks were Actually a ‘Botched Flash Mob’


BAGHDAD – The Pentagon has learned that an April 18 synchronized suicide attack on a marketplace in central Baghdad was the result of a botched flash mob, thought to have been organized by a group of prankster insurgents.

According to intelligence reports, the attack, which killed 44 people and injured 16 more, was originally devised as a seemingly spontaneous and large-scale rendition of U2’s Sweetest Thing. However, pyrotechnic equipment – specifically designed for the flash mob’s intended crescendo – was “accidentally wired with explosives.” Read the full story

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FBI Agent Believes Mary Kennedy ‘May Have Acted Alone’


WESTCHESTER, NY – Despite inevitable conspiracy theories to the contrary, an FBI agent heading up a preliminary investigation into the apparent suicide of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s estranged wife Mary Kennedy believes that Mrs Kennedy may have acted alone.

Federal agent Curtis Howard believes that Mary Kennedy was solely responsible – with no accomplices – for the death Wednesday night of Mary Kennedy, who was found hanged in a barn outside of a house belonging to her ex-husband. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity GossipComments (1)

Extreme Sportsman Completes Successful Base-jump, Funeral to be Held Friday


LODI, CALIF – While base-jumping last week in a northern California ravine, Extreme Sportsman Felix Grainger’s parachute reportedly malfunctioned, sending the 28-year-old’s body crashing to the earth at an incredible rate of speed, whereupon he arrived at a gruesome, untimely death in what experts are calling “an entirely successful base-jump.”

According to friend and fellow adrenaline junky Brad Stenovich, “He nailed it!” Read the full story

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Satire Editor Turns 39, Knows Not What to Do


Ten years ago Glossy News founder Brian White had the unlikely opportunity to turn 29, and I did it, but once and only once. Today he turns 39, and likewise, promises never to do it again. Just too painful.

Back then Glossy News had a diligent, vigilant editor named Mark Fisher working with me. He’s a very funny guy, and a successful guy too, so it’s no wonder he had the good sense to move on. It’s not like they dated or anything, at least not that either of them will admit. Read the full story

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US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls


The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

“This is a good report,” explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. “There’s a lot of emotional trauma… It’s good for the economy. It’s good for people’s income.” Read the full story

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“This Page Intentionally Left Blank”


Boca Raton, Fla. (Wall Street Journal) Malcombe (Mel) Rebbit, inventor and founder of “This Page Intentionally Left Blank,” was found deceased in his car in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday. Boca Raton police issued a statement that his death appeared to be a suicide.

Rebbit invented and patented “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” in 1976 while working for a vanity press publishing company. Rebbit noticed the confusion and anxiety caused by blank pages appearing in books and pamphlets without explanation.

Some wondered, Rebbit thought, was this blank page a mistake, a printing error, or am I going blind and just can’t see what is written there? Could this missing content have serious consequences for me? Or is this just part of the story, an expression of the author’s nihilistic viewpoint, a statement on the emptiness, the lack of content of existence.

One night, during a particularly disturbing dream involving Buffalo Chicken Wings, chipotle sauce and Barbara Walters, Rebbit had a vision: why not just tell folks outright that we meant to leave the page blank? Just tell them so there will be no question about printing errors, eyesight or existence.

Just Write it right across the blank page: “This Page Intentionally Left Blank.” Rebbit’s invention soon revolutionized blank pages; no more wondering, no more guessing, damn it, we meant to leave it blank.

With the profits from his invention, Rebbit was able to retire and move to Florida and, by all accounts, led a comfortable but quiet life. At least until his body was found in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday afternoon. Police said that although they found no suicide note, they did find a blank sheet of paper with “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” hand printed across the top.

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Pick a Peck of Pilgrim Pepper


Supermarket chains across the United States have agreed to forgo advertising depicting happy families gathered together in celebration and good cheer this holiday season.

Although researchers insist an increase in suicide attempts during the holidays has proved largely a myth, the unusually altruistic business decision was reached during the Thanksgiving holidays after HELP! hotlines reported a sharp spike in calls by persons emotionally distressed following a television ad depicting the tribulations of a paired Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker set tossed about by the type of joyful family only Norman Rockwell could love. Read the full story

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Suicide Bomber Gets Inspiration From Honey Boo Boo


TAIZZ, YEMEN- A suicide bomber was inspired to carry out acts of in excusable violence after the TLC affiliate in Yemen carried an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Il-Sha’if Musaad is a 27 year old engineering grad student who never necessarily saw himself as a terrorist.

In an interview, taped in the Yemen rural countryside on a hand held camera, Il-Sha’if said “I never really thought this would be a proper vocation for me. Actually, I thought I might some day live in America and enjoy the incalculable wealth every one hates. That is, until I saw this blasphemous filth.” Read the full story

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Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku


Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks. Read the full story

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Posted in EducationComments (1)

Milwaukee Man Loses His Beer, Will to Live


Spotted on the snow-dusted roof of his modest ranch style home, Otto Franks, south side Milwaukee auto mechanic and reportedly stable and friendly man by all neighbor accounts, had threatened to jump to his death after forgetting the location of a freshly opened beer.

Police were eventually able to talk the man down, but only after offering him a Stella Artois and guaranteeing the bottle temperature to be a crisp 34 degrees Fahrenheit. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (5)

Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society


Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Read the full story

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Posted in Health, ScienceComments (3)

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting


Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, ReligionismComments (1)

Suicide Bomber Surprise – Few of 72 Virgins Young or Women


TEHRAN, Iran – Future suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a jolt today, when they realized they faced a surprising religious announcement from a leading Iranian cleric. No, it wasn’t the sound of their vests exploding, but it was just as startling for them considering the ramifications.

The Super Exclusively Grand Ayatollah in Iran acknowledged that the supposed 72 Virgins waiting in Heaven for any departed suicide bomber who has chosen the path of martyrdom are not always young. He also added with a grimace that they also aren’t always girls. Read the full story

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Sen. Byrd’s Death Ruled Bizarre Act of Self Mutilation


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — West Virginia Sen. Robert Carlyle Byrd, the longest-serving member of Congress and the self-educated son of a coal miner, died Monday at age 92.

Byrd was born Cornelius Calvin Sale Jr. on November 20, 1917, in North Carolina. His mother died when he was a year old. His aunt and uncle, Titus and Vlurma Byrd, legally adopted him. A nine-term Democrat, Byrd was known as a master of the chamber’s often-arcane rules and as the self-proclaimed “champion of the Constitution,” a jealous guardian of congressional power. Read the full story

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Old Man Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender, Bailey


BEDFORD FALLS, IN (GlossyNews) — Five more financial institutions were closed this week by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 140, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. OneWest Bank was the first casualty of the morning. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls. Read the full story

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