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Mitt Romney Cannot, Will Not Win (Yet Again) And Here’s Why

Time Magazine has a great article about Mitt Romney, and how his third (and final?) attempt at running for office will be no better than before.

On the early morning of Election 2012 I ran an article entitled “Obama WILL Win Today, And Here’s Why” and I was blasted by conservative friends for it. Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating

GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college.

“It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy it and I would never do it again”.

The Mormon church expressly prohibits the ‘wonton spilling of one’s seed’ and forbids any type of orgasm before marriage, according to religious sources. Romney spent several years in Europe as a Mormon missionary before entering the business world.

Romney explained that during his time at Stanford University in 1965 he frequently came in contact with attractive women but most times managed to control his urge to masturbate.

“There was just one time I caught a peek under Sharon Miller’s skirt and this stimulated me. “I only stroked a few times but stopped when I considered the wrath of God”, Romney told Glossynews.

News officials are attempting to locate Ms Miller for comment.

Romney said despite his youthful indiscretion he urges young people not to masturbate and to simply wait for marriage before achieving orgasm.

“Orgasms are for producing offspring”, Romney continued. “I have five children. I have had five orgasms”.

Romney’s son Tagg said his father would sometimes embarrass when he was little him by asking, “how’s my little orgasm doing today?”

Mormon church officials claim Romney violated one of the sacred tenants of the church by masturbating but this one indiscretion alone should not qualify him for excommunication.

“But we might excommunicate him just for being such a dumb ass!” the official stated.


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V.P. Candidate Paul Ryan’s ‘Perfect Game’ Story Challenged

Janesville, Wisconsin. While attending a Washington National’s baseball game last week, Representative and Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, chosen to throw out the game’s first pitch, told the cheering crowd at Nationals Park that this reminded him of the time he pitched a perfect game for his little league team, the Janesville Jaguars.

Ryan played baseball in the Janesville 10-and-under league for one season, before quitting to go into politics. Suspicious Little League officials in Janesville, remembering Ryan’s false marathon time boast, decided to check the scorecard of the game in question. Read the full story


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