Posted on 04 November 2016.
NOTE FROM WALLACE:
Welcome to number II of the occasional series delving into our voluminous back catalog, here at Glossy News. Tim Jones has produced a large body of satire for us; but his well-honed, polished pieces are abundant in quality, and not only in quantity! It may seem a little odd to see such a recent piece being characterized as a ‘classic,’ but I have to say that the merciless ‘dry humor’ here is just superb.
Donald Trump is a great American. In the past nine months, he has done a masterful job of uniting millions of Americans from all different backgrounds – admittedly mostly by uniting them in their deep hatred and fear of Donald Trump. But that’s simply because they’ve not gotten to know him the way I have.
If only he had more TV exposure, then people would see the light. Read the full story
Posted in Politics
Posted on 29 September 2015.
Hey, everybody! It’s yer best buddy Jumbo Johnson here! Everybody loves a bit of good old NON-GOVERNMENTAL Human Rights Organization shit, huh?
That’s right, bitches! Time for one damn fine bit of unpatriotic pinko analysis of the notable patriotic human rights NGO, Freedom House!
Ooo, SHIT! I LIIIIKE the sounda THAT!
Well hey, baby! Everybody loves freedom, right?! Read the full story
Posted in Human Interest, War Zone
Posted on 22 July 2015.
Pat Robertson is concerned at the mortal peril certain “bad folks” pose to people in the USA, and just this once, he’s not been shy to get to the root of the problem.
Now, listen carefully, my dear friends. If we are going to let all these, you know, these hooomoseeexual atheiiists, you know, if we tolerate them, let them work in our public facilities and business corporations….
Well, you’ve probably heard it before, but I’m gonna tell you, because it’s the truth, and it bears repeating. Read the full story
Posted in Religionism, Television
Posted on 04 July 2015.
The age-old conflict between men and women in Northern Ireland has been recently worsened by a scandalous schism in the Men’s Rights Movement (MRM).
The MRM, funnily enough, is made up entirely up of self-styled “Men’s Rights Activists” (MRAs).
And similarly hilariously, the “Men’s Rights Movement” contains no men, but is composed entirely of sexually-frustrated teenage web trolls… Read the full story
Posted in Politics, World News
Posted on 11 June 2015.
Notable public figure Bill Maher has been banned from several notable clothes retail chains in the entire slick, coastal, metro part of the USA…
For making some provocative and inflammatory comments about a moderate political Islamist™ in Pakistan who says women resemble sacks of flour.
Yup! His Most Exalted Even-More-Moderate-Than-Moderate-Taliban-ness says that every one of the integral synthetic components of the female community should be treated in keeping with the most noble and exalted station he himself envisages for them…
When he is high on crystal meth funded from the proceeds of his illegal kindergarten-bombing Ponzi scheme. Read the full story
Posted in Religionism, Television
Posted on 08 May 2015.
Sorry, son. I know I was hard on you (and me?) last time.
Still, it’s all downhill from here, don’t worry.
6. You’re twisting my words.
OK, so you know words are subject to interpretation. That’s a start.
So why is your interpretation of your own words so important? Every time you open your mouth or set pen to paper, everyone has to focus on what you “originally meant?” Read the full story
Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society
Posted on 08 February 2015.
The moment I tell you “You’re ALL sexists,” some poor Jeremy is gonna wail out:
“But we’re not AAALLL like thaaat!!!”
But that’s precisely the point.
There’s something very significant about the fact that this is precisely the typical response to the (actually defensible) idea that the problem is “men…” Read the full story
Posted in Human Interest, Opinion/Editorial
Posted on 05 May 2014.
Dateline: NEW YORK–Tired of being accused of having stereotypical ideas of women and racial minorities, the gazillionaire Roderick Billington set about spending his vast fortune to perfect his conceptions.
“I realized the essence of the problem early on,” he said. “I’d be thinking that the Chinese can’t drive well, that blacks are thuggish, and that women are sentimental and prone to hysteria. But I’d be told that those were just outrageous stereotypes. So there was a mismatch between my ideas and the facts.”
Read the full story
Posted in Strange People
Posted on 28 April 2014.
Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.
But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
Read the full story
Posted in Religionism, Science
Posted on 27 February 2014.
NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race.
“There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets driven off the track? Connect the dots and do the math.” Patrick added “Well, I can’t do the math but I’m sure one of you men out there can help me with that.” Read the full story
Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals
Posted on 11 October 2012.
The Catholic church is preparing to make a major announcement concerning changes to their view on sexual behavior.
After years of frowning upon, and causing many young Catholics to experience immense guilt, they are now ready to endorse masturbation for their male followers.
It unfortunately still won’t be an option for the females and this is due to the internal discussions that have been held over the last few months related to the change. Read the full story
Posted in Health, Religionism
Posted on 18 July 2011.
Saudi women are hitting the streets, revving their engines and trying to drive home a very serious point. It’s all part of a push for social reform by defying the desert kingdom’s longstanding ban on female drivers.
“We are not trying to reinvent the steering wheel. We just want to be more than third-class citizens in our own country. So-called ‘backseat bitches.’ Read the full story
Posted in Human Interest, World News
Posted on 20 May 2010.
Princeton, NJ (GlossyNews) — Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation’s most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual “Patronization Expo” being held just off the campus of scenic Princeton University. The Expo, billed by organizers as, “A free-flowing exchange of complex ideas that do not concern you,” began amid controversy as a delegation of sociologists representing the University of California at Berkley had its credentials rejected on grounds they were merely “pretentious,” and not actually “patronizing.” Read the full story
Posted in Society
Posted on 26 September 2009.
In a further attempt to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that the World has gone totally tits-up barmy dozens of UK quangos and unleashed taxpayer-funded organisations have ordered a purge of common words and phrases so as not to cause offence to any fucker or their dog ” or cat ” whatever ” and put the Oxford English Dictionary in the library shelves archive section marked ” “offensive and redundant” then throw up a big Sieg Heil salute to Common Purpose. Read the full story
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc