Tag Archive | "sarah palin"

Right Wingers Develop Wild West Show, Cirque du Sarah Style


In an effort to restore their public image after the shooting in Arizona and its aftermath, the Republican National Committee has put forth a proposal to produce a touring Wild West Show, starring leaders of the new conservative movement.

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh have already signed on, with many more right-wing pundits and politicos expected to follow their lead. The tour is being funded by the Koch brothers and sponsored by Wal-Mart, the NRA, and Premiere Radio Networks. Toby Keith and Ted Nugent will headline the musical acts. Read the full story

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Palin’s Comeback Trail Begins in Nashville Booby Bar


Nashville, TN-After spending years exercising her First Amendment rights to encourage the murder of someone who wasn’t a “real American,” Sarah Palin’s media career has taken a turn for the worse after several real Americans were murdered by an anti-government kook.

The unflappable Palin, feverishly working on her big comeback, is working in a Nashville booby bar, the next stop after her recent spread in Hustler magazine, for which she was reportedly paid a whopping $127.50, which was about what Larry Flynt thought she was worth. Read the full story

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Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ; McCain Really Lacks a Clue


This week senator John McCain really threw down. No, not his teeth or dignity, those have both been forsaken since 2000. No this week he threw down with the crazy, and even for a die-hard republican, he ante’d up the crazy in spectacular fashion.

As a donor to the senior senator from Arizona, I’m on his mailing list. I get an assortment of “My Friend” letters, though I highly doubt he’d consider me a friend. Obviously he doesn’t, or he wouldn’t espouse these ridiculous, unpatriotic lies. Read the full story

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Obama Signs New Jim Crow Bill into Law


Washington D.C. – Continuing a perfect record of being a doormat for the Neo-Fascists, President Obama signed a reverse civil rights bill into law today. Specifically, the bill addresses the ire of restaurant owners who are tired of serving pesky colored people, and gives a shot in the arm to drinking fountain and tacky sign manufacturers. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research


Scientists researching the phenomena of Politically Incorrect Mass Propaganda Syndrome (PIMPS) announced a breakthrough into the biggest question of 2010: “What makes Sarah Palin perpetually politically relevant?”

After statistically modeling data from thousands of successful people, researchers contend that the three most predictive variables in determining the unprecedented success of Sarah Palin (as well as other highly successful people) are: a disproportionate sense of worth, significant over-exposure and well developed posterior speech lobes which exponentially increases incidents of “talking out of their ass”. Read the full story

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Palin Develops Warts On Her Nose- Her Career Tanks


In a horrifying situation that would destroy the morale of many political pundits, Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin has developed hideous warts on her face. Since their appearance Ms. Palin’s polls have dropped drastically.

Statisticians estimate that the normally sexy and attractive outspoken Republican mouthpiece has lost 90% of her loyal following do to this cosmetic detraction. The warts began to appear shortly after her huge effort stumping for the most extreme right wing candidates she could find in the mid-term elections. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Takes Aim at Babs Bush, Fires the Crazy Cannon


It is increasingly clear that establishment Republicans don’t have much love for Ms. Sarah Palin. It is also crystal clear that Sarah Palin couldn’t give two rat’s asses if they do or not. In fact, she is going out of her way, it seems, to rile up every segment of society as much as her beloved, often furry, mama grizzlies.

Recently, Barbara Bush commented to fellow Jurassic extinction survivor Larry King that Sarah Palin loves Alaska, and then added that she should stay there. Upon hearing this, Palin chose to reload and fight back against what she perceived as “blue bloods doing battle against the red bloods and turning the best part of red, white and blue American into some kind of crazy purple haze.” Read the full story

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God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92


MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks. Read the full story

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Candidate with the Biggest Mouth or Most Bizarre Message Wins


In the run up to the this year’s mid-term elections we’ve seen some of the most bizarre behavior and comments coming out of the candidates, especially those who claim to be ordinary Americans wanting to take America back. Come time to vote, unfortunately, those people stand to win and win big.

It’s not because of any message of hope they bring to an America that is hobbling around on a bum economy, but more because of who they are, Read the full story

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Palin Declares War on China


Bouffant Falls, AR (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. (Glossy News) – Presumed 2012 GOP presidential primary entrant Sarah Palin declared war on China today, though she admitted she wasn’t certain “it can be allowed” from an undeclared political candidate.

“I can see Russia from my front window,” Palin shouted to a cheering Tea Party crowd, many of them wearing surplus army helmets and waving chopsticks. “I sure don’t want China up my chimney, and neither do the American people!” Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Applauds President Obama at Beck Rally


Sarah Palin gave a surprise second speech Saturday at Glenn Beck’s “Restore Honor” rally in Washington, D.C. In it, she praised President Obama for finally bringing our combat troops home from Iraq.

“As a mother of a combat soldier,” I want to thank President Obama personally for seeing to it that my son’s life and the lives of the soldiers still living are finally home safe and sound from Iraq. There has been too much bloodshed already. That is what this rally is all about.” Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Believes He is More Popular than Jesus AND the Beatles


Glenn Beck originally attacked John Lennon posthumously for his quote “We are more popular than Jesus now.” However, Beck recently admitted he now knows exactly what Lennon was referring to when he said those words. Beck now believes that not only is he (Beck) more popular than Jesus, but he also believes he is infinitely more popular than the Beatles. Read the full story

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Insurance Companies Market ‘Do-It-Yourself’ Medical Options


WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a move sure to restart the nation’s divisive healthcare debate, major insurance companies announced new healthcare plans featuring controversial “self-serve” medical options designed to reduce costs.

“Our new self-serve options for childbirth, surgery and annual physical exams provide consumers with more choices while reducing the escalating cost of care,” said a representative for WellPoint, one of the nation’s largest health insurers.  Aetna and UnitedHealth Group also announced new self-serve options. Read the full story

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Palin Voodoos Tina Fey


ST LOUIS CEMETERY #1, New Orleans (GlossyNews) — While on a lecture tour in New Orleans, Sarah Palin slipped away form her entourage and secretly visited a voodoo shop in the French Quarter. The owner already had the Tina Fey voodoo Doll ready for her.

The VP candidate wasted no time and immediately went at it with a pliers, brightly colored clown make-up, barber clippers and a corkscrew shaped tampon. Read the full story

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States Secede From US – Create New Country


POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — A new political entity was born today as all states west of the Mississippi seceded from the Union and created their own nation called The League of States That Remembers What Reality Is.

Fed up with decades of following a government that only recognized the needs and interests of those within a 200 mile radius of Washington, the League (hereafter referred to as the LSTRWRI so that I don’t go over my word limit) made Barrow, Alaska its capital and named Sarah Palin its Queen because of her independent style and because she is a babe. Unfortunately, when they realized that Ms. Palin had little idea what reality is, nominated Ron Paul as its first Czar instead. Read the full story

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This Friday the 13th Predicted to be Astronomical Doozy


VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13th due to the fact that in addition to the 13th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history. Read the full story

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