Tag Archive | "sarah palin"

States Planning Secession. United States Finished?


A new political entity was born today as all States west of the Mississippi seceded from the Union and created their own nation called The League of States That Remembers What Reality Is.

Fed up with decades of following a government that only recognized the needs and interests of those within a 200 mile radius of Washington, the League (hereafter referred to as the LSTRWRI to keep from using up all my printer ink) made Barrow, Alaska its capital, made Rand Paul its Emperor and named Sarah Palin its Queen just to keep her happy and quiet (not that she really knows anything about reality). Read the full story

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Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time


According to the title of the Thomas Wolfe novel, you can’t go home again.

But it looks like Lebron James is going to prove that saying wrong as he happily returns to the site of his first professional basketball success: Cleveland, Ohio.

More importantly, Mr. James has apparently inspired others to follow suit:

George W. Bush

Against all odds, it looks like America’s 43rd president is going to move back to Washington, D. C.

“Frankly, I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back to that godawful city,” said Mr. Bush.

“But Lebron has showed me the error of my ways. If the folks of Cleveland can forgive him and welcome him back with open arms, surely the good citizens of Washington will cheer my return.”

However, it looks as if Mr. Bush’s plans for a triumphant return have been put on hold by the Secret Service who have some minor concerns for their former boss’s safety.

Hillary Clinton

The former first lady made The White House her home for eight years but she hasn’t lived there for almost the last fourteen.

Despite that long absence and some not-so-pleasant memories, it looks like she’s decided to move back in.

“I can’t say that it doesn’t pain me to think about my husband’s infidelities in The Oval Office,” said Mrs. Clinton. “But I figure the best way to deal with those memories is to make new memories of my own.”

Mrs. Clinton is planning on a January 20, 2017 return although there are a number of Republicans and even a few Democrats who may have a say in the matter.

Dick Cheney

Mr. Cheney has surprised everyone with his recent decision to pay a return visit to Baghdad.

The former vice president is hoping for the same combination of forgiveness and joy that Lebron James is seeking in Cleveland.

“I always said that we’d be greeted as liberators,” said Mr. Cheney. “And I figure it’s time to finally prove my point.”

Unfortunately, due to the constant outbreak of fighting between various factions throughout Iraq, Cheney’s triumphant return visit to Baghdad will have to be postponed until shortly after hell freezes over.

Barack Obama

America’s current president is well into his second term and is experiencing symptoms commonly afflicting handicapped waterfowl.

Although he is obliged to serve out the remainder of his term, it appears that he would much prefer to be going home which in this case is the city of Chicago.

“Frankly, I don’t think I’m very useful in Washington,” said Mr. Obama. “Except possibly to make Tea Party Republicans see red. So if nobody really minds too much, I’d like to get back to Chicago.”

Even with the recent raft of shootings in the Windy City, the president figures he’ll still be safer living there than in Washington.

Sarah Palin

The half-term Alaska governor and unsuccessful vice presidential candidate is often mentioned as a possible Republican presidential contender for the 2016 election. Although Ms. Palin never explicitly disavows that possibility, there always seems to be some reluctance to run on her part.

“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to keep up this political life,” said Palin. “And now that Lebron has shown me the way, I think I’d just rather head back home to Alaska.” That may not be as easy as it sounds, however, as it looks like Alaska may not want her back.

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Sarah Palin’s Heritage Linked Back to Salem Witch Trial Era


A reading of parts of a manuscript dated to 1692, has been found to contain the surname Ward. This name, when researched, may suggest that Henrietta McAutrey, nee Ward, is a thrice-removed cousin of our own Sarah Palin.

You may think that Henrietta Ward was one of the accused witches prosecuted during the Salem Witch Trials, given who she may be related to. However, Ms. Ward was actually a cousin herself of Cotton Mather, one of the foremost proponents of evil spirits Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller


The former part-time Republican Governor of Alaska has a new coloring book called “Sarah Palin in Comparison” that broke a sales record for its publisher and now tops Amazon’s best seller list.

Earlier this month, Little Red Schoolhouse Publishing also produced “Ted Cruz to the Future,” a “comic activity book for all ages” featuring Sarah’s rival, a Lone Star currently rising in the Tea Party.

Surprisingly, the junior Republican Senator’s coloring book was a Texas-sized hit for the company, and became Amazon’s number one seller at the time. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book


Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen.

The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?

No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me sick.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.

RIGHT: Please buy this book. Do it for America–and for baby Jesus. That perfect gift for that God-fearing someone in your life. [Disclaimer: This book may not be suitable for people with an IQ over 75 or who suffer from tolerance of those with differing worldviews from their own.] (CLICK IMAGE TO ENGLARGE)

In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.

I will be the first to admit that, like millions of Americans, I had no idea Sarah Palin could read, let alone write. But I was wrong. In her new pop-up coloring book, the ex-60%-of-one-term governor of Alaska makes a clarion call to save Christmas. What is destroying our American way of life is not a culture of gun violence. Nor the fact that the top 1% of society owns 40% of the nation’s wealth. It’s not even our faltering educational system. The real problem confronting us, according to Palin, is the war waged by millions on the left against Christmas.

Palin’s motive for writing this book is explained in her own words on the book’s back cover: “If I’m for Christmas, it’s only because I’m for Christ.” It’s clear that unlike liberals and people wanting to take away our guns, Palin loves Jesus. And the fact that she stands to rake in $10 million from book sales to Wal-Mart shoppers was the furthest thing from her mind when she hired someone to ghostwrite her book.

In reading her inspiring message of hope for all Christians in this great Christian nation of Christians, I came away with a startling realization about how much hatred for our savior lies deep within the misguided hearts of the average Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, vegetarian, environmental activist and community organizer. It was not until I read this book that I finally understood why Jesus hates gays. The War on Christmas, Palin points out, is first and foremost a war for our souls. And thanks to insidious, politically correct wishes for “Happy Holidays” oppressing our attempts to wish our fellow citizens a “Merry Christmas,” Satan and his growing army of Christmas-destroyers are winning the battle.

Here is a short passage from her book that I pray you will appreciate as much as I did:

Jesus’ birth is not about Black Friday sales. Why does Christmas cause so much anger just by its very name? If Jesus, coming to us for our salvation, which, when I think back upon it, it’s because of the lamestream media, whose hostility to Christmas, such that who are they to judge, notwithstanding if we take arms courageously to protect the Bible, then perhaps those without salvation, having caused such an uproar, for whom was the baby swaddled in a manger, which you can see from Alaska, and good will to all mankind except for angry homosexuals who don their gay apparel…

Amen, Sister Sarah, amen. I could not have said it better myself (had I been in a drunken stupor from spiked eggnog).

Sarah Palin book signingPalin zeroes in on the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not about Black Friday sales on flat screen TVs and tablet PCs. It’s about pointing out how Americans who have discovered Jesus are better than everybody else. As Palin soothingly explains, the real crisis threatening Christmas in America is all those atheists trying to return Christmas to its origins as a pagan festival celebrating the winter solstice during which Democrats would get drunk and fornicate with goats. Why do they hate baby Jesus so much? For God’s sake, he’s just a baby.

In this amazing book, written in a tasteful Helvetica font, Palin’s mission is to be that brave voice speaking on behalf of all Christians in America’s heartland (circa 1953). She courageously reveals that Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your loved ones and opening presents. It’s about lovingly shoving your own views about Christmas down the throats of people who don’t share your deeply-held fundamentalist beliefs, and compassionately reminding all Americans why it’s important to load your hunting rifle and rid this Christian nation of those intolerant Jesus-haters who are desperately trying to keep us from spreading God’s Christmas message of peace and good will to mankind.

Why waste time reading the hackneyed holiday musings of Charles Dickens, Clement Clarke Moore or Robert Frost? They’ve all been surpassed by the brightest star atop the literary Christmas tree, Sarah Louise Palin. Please do your patriotic duty this Christmas and buy her incredible Christmas book.

Help Sarah save Christmas for all of us – well, most of us, anyway. If enough red-blooded Americans purchase her book, it just might make Sarah Palin the most miraculous profit of God in our lifetime.

Happy Holida-, er, I mean, Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act


Today Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) introduced a bill to “hasten the coming of Christ and the Revelation.” At a press conference she stated, “It seems to me as good Christians we should be doing something about the Second Coming.

This is the end times, so are we going to do anything or just talk about it? I’ll tell you. The Tea Party is the party of action. Read the full story

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Confessions of a Former Sarah Palin Supporter


Yes, it is true.
I voted for Sarah Palin.
No, not when she was running for Vice President.
Way back when she was running for governor of Alaska.
Posters of her were everywhere in the 49th state.
She seemed genuine, wholesome, the real thing.
Not to mention cute as hell. Read the full story

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Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives! (Not the IRS This Time Either)


Ding dong the witch is back! Blown in by a rouge wind from the north, the bitch whom I literally can’t stand returns.

Even my hopes that the wretched bowel movement of life Roger Ailes would not have any future intent of letting that fact drowning ignorant bitch back on tv have been doused.

The evil talking head spewing nothing but half facts and conjecture returns to continue to fill the empty heads of the brain dead with her distorted and self serving version of history and events. Read the full story

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CPAC 2013 Ended and So Didn’t Their Movement


Closing out of the 2013 CPAC (Conservative People Acting Crazy) conference has left many on the right feeling less than exhilarated.

Their ideals, thoughts, and policies that no longer align with changes in society have once again left them opposed to the harsh realities of modern culture. Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job


God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier.

“Now she will make something of herself, like I did,” he said proudly, adding “There is, after all, life after Fox.”

When Beck was fired from Fox back in the middle of 2011, many wondered if he’d ever recover from that mighty slap in the face by Roger Ailes. They aren’t wondering any longer, however. The answer is “No, he didn’t recover…yet.” Read the full story

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Palin Proposes Bridge Over Fiscal Cliff


Political pundit and former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin held a press conference this morning to propose the construction of a bridge “assuring Americans safe passage over the fiscal cliff”.

“I’m tired of Washington insiders debating the dangers of this cliff and then not doing anything about it. The American people deserved better than a Willie Coyote scenario.” Palin stated, referencing her favorite cartoon character’s well documented battles with gravity. Read the full story

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Alaska, All The Reasons Convicts Want To Live Here!


Alaska is the land of pristine beauty, untouched by humankind, except for those dirty Russians, Sarah Palin, Exxon-Mobil, and the random arctic hillbilly hiding out from the federal government. But there are plenty of reasons to live here, and rather than tell you what they are, we’re just going to provide a photograph and call that good enough. Read the full story

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Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?


Shepard Smith, long time Fox News Anchor and deeply closeted homosexual, announced today that he will be leaving the Republican broadcasting network at the end of his current contract.

Sometimes considered the only voice of reason on the network, his departure will further sully the image of America’s leading satire television news channel, leaving only The 700 Club to fill the comedy void.

RIGHT: Shep Smith sounds off with a quote from a know-nothing about which he knows nothing, as if it means something, which it didn’t and doesn’t. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Harry Reid Puts Up, So Shut Up


One of my main complaints in recent years with regard to the Democrats is their Senate Majority Leader. As I said in a posting a couple of years ago, any political party with a befuddled old Andy Gump like Harry Reid at the wheel is going to have….”issues” shall we say?

So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was this week when the old guy started to show a little bit of long-overdue moxie. The senator from Nevada is an extremely cautious man. He says that a reliable source has informed him that Mitt Romney went for a decade without paying a dime of income tax.

Given his well-earned reputation for timidity, if he’s gone out on a limb to make a charge as serious as this, it must be true. Old Harry has never been the kind of pol to throw caution to the wind.

The Mitt Romney campaign has said that Harry Reid has either got to “put up or shut up”. He already has. The ball is now in Romney’s court. If we are to take him at his word when he tells us that he has paid what he was legally required to pay in taxes then he should prove it to the nation that he wants to lead.

Senator Reid has made a pretty serious charge. Mitt has a golden opportunity here. If he really has nothing to hide he is in the position to make Reid – and the entire Democratic media machine – look really foolish. All he has to do is release his income tax returns for the last twelve years; just like his father George did during the Republican primary campaign of 1968. What the hell is he waiting for?

I’ll tell you what he’s waiting for: he’s waiting for the story to go away. Only this is a story that’s not going to die of natural causes. It needs to be killed like a rabid wolverine. Watch in the next couple of weeks while Campaign Romney (along with FOX Noise) goes on a desperate hunt for as many mole hills as they can find to make mountains out of. This should be quite interesting.

Der Mittster was considered for the Number Two spot on the ticket during John McCain’s 2008 presidential run. While he was undergoing the vetting process, he handed over to the campaign his income tax returns going back over two decades. Call it a silly hunch on my part but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the McCain people were absolutely horrified by what they saw. How can I be so sure of this this you may ask?

Because they went running to Sarah Palin as a preferable VP candidate! Talk about desperation. If a relatively sane and intelligent human being like Mitt Romney can’t outshine a half-witted extremist like Fascist Barbie, that very fact speaks untold volumes. Mitt’s tax history must be pretty embarrassing. That is the reason – and the only reason – they refuse to make it public. I was born very early in the morning, but it wasn’t this morning.

If it ever got out that Romney paid less in income tax (even in one year) than your average blue collar worker, it wouldn’t bode too well for him come November the sixth. My guess is that if his sordid past regarding taxes ever became public it would mean a landslide for President Obama similar to Richard Nixon’s in 1972.

Tricky Dick won every state in the union that year with the exception of Massachusetts and the District of Columbia. Less than two years later he would be forced to resign in complete disgrace. My irony meter goes into the red zone just thinking about that one. Aren’t politics strange?

The “Bain” of his Existence

Mitt is trying to portray himself as a tireless champion of the working class masses. It really is an amusing thing to behold, isn’t it? Remember that this is the same guy who put thousands of his fellow Americans out of work as the chief of Bain Capital back in the nineties, sending their jobs to China and Lord knows where else.

There is no longer a Republican in Washington who gives a damn about hard-working people. Barry Goldwater and Milicent Fenwick (photo left) are dead and they’re not coming back. This is a party whose sole purpose is to concentrate as much wealth into as few bank accounts as possible. This is a party whose ultimate goal is the utter destruction of the middle class. They’d love nothing weirder than to bring us back to the Gilded Age.

You think I’m being paranoid? You think the disintegrating middle class in this country is merely a coincidence? You think it’s the fault of all those evil-doin’ Liberals? Fine. Keep voting Republican, folks.

It’s hard not to feel a little pity for poor old Mitt. I sure as hell don’t envy him. He has managed – inside of two months – to take that plate of exquisite caviar that was handed to him when he became the presumptive nominee and turn it into a pile of elephant shit.

All of this on top of his disastrous performance overseas during his 2012 Foot In Mouth Tour. The poor schmuck just can’t get a break. As each hour ticks by, it is becoming more and more apparent to the GOP “base” that handing the nomination over to this “Massachusetts liberal” will be a huge mistake. Be sure to tune in to their convention later on this month. This is gonna be a riot – and I mean that literally.

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11 Reasons Sarah Palin Was A Better VP Pick Than Dick Cheney


Ex Minister of Vice Dick Cheney has come out (no, not out of the closet. Don’t we wish!) and said that Sarah Palin was a poor choice for Vice President. Well son of a gun! It’s the pot calling the kettle black!

Let’s take a look at why Palin WOULD have been a better vice President than Cheney ever was:

Read the full story

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Barack Obama Thanks Bristol Palin for Unsolicited Parental Advice


Barack Obama made certain that he acknowledged the wise words he received indirectly Friday from Bristol Palin with regards to his stance on same-sex marriage.

“We are just incredibly thankful to have someone as mature and wise as Bristol Palin taking such an interest in the way Michelle and I are raising our girls, Sasha and Malia,” said the President from one of the many stops he made today on the campaign trail. Read the full story

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