Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Read the full story

AMES, IA —GlossyNews At $30 each, 16,892 Iowans were trucked to Ames for a day of politickin’ (locally it’s called ‘pot lickin’) and BBQ. A grand $506,760 was the total straw vote cash take for the GOPTea in Ames, Iowa on Saturday with their straw poll. The candidates also ponied up $15K each to pitch a tent on the grounds of the poll, pumping another $120K into the coffers. This was confirmed by Matt Strawn, chairman of the Iowa Republican Party and improbably claimed namesake of the poll.

Representative Michele Bachmann claimed her victory in the 2011 Iowa straw poll by less than 1% over Ron Paul, as ‘decisive’.

Forty miles away, in the state’s capitol of Des Moines, Sarah Palin was sitting in her tour bus, eating deep-fried butter on-a-stick at the state fair. She was waiting for news from both Ames and South Carolina. She was trying to guess which would affect her more. She had her recent film running on the laptop and on her big screen TV monitor – Todd had the sound turned up loud.

The Minnesota GOPTea Patriots party is not happy that Bachmann is playing Iowa’s favorite-daughter candidate by reminding Iowans at every turn that she was born in the state and telling anyone who would listen that it’s past time there’s an Iowan in the White House.

“I have always been grateful that I’m an Iowan. Hometown is Waterloo, the home of John Wayne Gacy, where everything I need to know in life I learned growing up as a 7th generation Iowan,” Bachmann told one small group waiting in line to vote in Ames.

“You’d think that she lived in Iowa, and never been our US Representative for 3 terms in Minnesota,” said Amy Freeby, Minnesota GOPTea Patriots spokesperson.

Late evening Saturday, while most political watchers were taking bets on Pawlenty’s early exit Sunday, Bachmann focused on the national campaign and managed to appear on all 5 major Sunday morning programs. They were taped in Iowa on Saturday evening, of course.

“I wish him well. I had great respect for the governor,” Bachmann said moments after it was pre-announced that Pawlenty would announce he was dropping out. “But today is about me and my campaign.”

On the first program she taped for her favorite show Fox News Sunday, she answered the Minnesota GOPTea comment with, “My home state of Minnesota is not known as a conservative bastion, but that’s where I cut my teeth in a political sense, my home state of Minnesota.”

Quickly moving over to the ABC This Week taping 5 minutes later, Bachmann told ABC’s Jake Tapper live, “I think what people see in me is I’m a real person. I’m authentic Iowan. And I think people expect someone like me to go to Washington and represent their home state’s values,” she said. “You can tell Iowans for me Jake, that I am doing just that.”

As quickly as the ABC camera shut down, CBS’s Face the Nation crew exploded on the scene and Bachmann opened with her schedule for the week, “Marcus and I are going one on one from now on, state by state,” she told CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, noting that her campaign was headed for her beloved home state of South Carolina later in the week.

“Then it’s on to New Hampshire, where I grew up, you know I am a 7th generation New Hampshirean on my mother’s side,” she said. When that camera switched off, she turned in her chair to smile at the CNN crew as they clipped on a mic.

Their State of the Union cameras began rolling and she waved to an unseen Washington-based host and said, “What I brag about most in my home state of Minnesota is my upbringing there. My core principles were formed there. You lead from your core principles–that’s how you learn that where you are going is the right direction.”

NBC’s Meet the Press was the last of the tapings on Saturday in Ames. When that camera light went on, Bachmann said, “I think it’s because I’m talking about what the people in my home state of Iowa really care about—turning the economy around and job creation.” She paused for a response to her comment, then continued with:

“Ronald Reagan, my icon, was guided by his core principles, and that’s who will guide my decision making in my presidency in 2012.” she said. “When he was the president, I remember how much I wanted to be with him in the oval office. I wanted to carry his water for him – anything. Now I will have my husband carrying my water.” NBC’s crew shut down their camera and removed the mic from Ms. Bachmann’s lapel.

Talking to no one in particular, Bachmann repeated an answer to a question that she thought she heard being asked. “From the top, leadership starts from the top, the leadership of our country.” No open cameras, no microphones, but she said it anyway.

Finished with the whirlwind of tapings, husband Marcus came from behind the NBC crew truck holding two fine tastes of the Iowa State Fair, deep-fried butter on-a-stick and deep-fried Twinkie on-a-stick. He was planning to give his wife a sweet finish.

No one asked how the food came into his possession.

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew straight up, and that’s why you put your vote behind that person. Read the full story

Fur started to fly just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate. Read the full story

News-Ruse hereby endorses former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin to fill the next vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court.

We at News-Ruse know that Palin is not a lawyer but the Supreme Court already has lawyers. Look at Clarence Thomas. We believe he is a lawyer, although since he doesn’t talk it is hard to be sure. Read the full story

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination. Read the full story

As Sarah Palin wound down her One Nation tour of New England, one thing was abundantly clear to all who came in contact with her. She needed a lesson or two in the history department.

From the Liberty Bell to the Statue of Liberty, Sarah Palin uttered the same phrase over and over again—“I did not know that,” leaving some to wonder if this trip she was taking was a way to get her up to speed on American History in case she does make up her mind to run for President. Read the full story

In yet another breaking story from an undisclosed source that the Palins are divorcing, a supposed cosmetic surgeon in Phoenix has neither confirmed nor denied that she performed a tattoo removal for Sarah Palin. But sources close to the sometimes on again, sometimes off again presidential candidate confirm that indeed, the ‘Todd’ tattoo Sarah got in college has been removed. Read the full story

FOX NEWS, NEW YORK CITY — GlossyNews.com Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, admitted to Greta van Susternen on her FoxNews show that she is suffering from the rare GOPTea political virus called “fire in belly”, or in beltway-speak: FIB. Read the full story

It took mere seconds into the filming of a camping trip in Australia for Kate Gosselin of Kate Plus 8 to make it quite clear that the outdoors she and the kiddies experienced in Australia was far superior and way more enjoyable than that introduced to them in Alaska as guests of Sarah Palin.

“Finally,” said Gosselin after climbing out of her spacious tent in the Outback, “I can show the world that I’m not a sniveling, whining princess who can’t survive in the wilderness.” Read the full story

Des Moines, IA —GLOSSY NEWS With 2011 barely into its 4th month, House Tea Party Caucus leader Michele Bachmann whipped her Iowa audience into a frenzy over light bulbs, gay marriage and abortion with her stump “Social Conservatism is Physical Conservatism” keynote address.

She finished by advocating giving the GOP a new name and then said it must become the Social Tea Party. The name change was unanimously ratified by the 130 Iowans who paid to attend, thus trashing forever the old time party names, Republican and GOP. Read the full story

Burning Candles, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

Former GOP presidential candidate John McCain will launch another bid for the White House in 2044, and is “firmly committed to running a vigorous, full-steam ahead” campaign.

After careful study and extensive polling, McCain strategists concluded that “waiting a few more election cycles” offers the best opportunity to present McCain to voters as a “newer, fresher candidate.”

“We see no reason to jump in immediately,” said a senior McCain campaign manager. “There’s plenty of time to do this right.”

Political analysts were divided over the move, with a top Republican pollster hailing it as “brilliant long-term thinking” but other Washington insiders expressing skepticism.

“It’s almost certain that none of the country’s problems will be solved by 2044,” the GOP pollster noted, “so McCain’s timing seems perfect.”

“There’s an obvious flaw in their thinking and that’s fund raising,” countered one political analyst. “With even moderate rates of inflation, you’re talking about having to raise enormous sums of money by then.”

Sources close to the campaign also confirmed that current presidential hopeful Sarah Palin would likely be McCain’s Vice Presidential pick again. “We think if she continues to study foreign policy, she could be ready by 2044,” said the campaign source.

Palin was unavailable for comment due to a hunting trip with former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Sarah Palin recently went on Fox News and publicly admitted that she could use some help in paying for her kids’ dental expenses. “Do you even know how much a set of braces costs these days?” asked Palin as she made her case for asking folks who impersonate her to help shoulder some of the financial burden of raising kids in today’s economy. Read the full story

A nation reels in shock as it realizes that Socialists have won the beloved American institution called the Super Bowl. Beating the genuinely capitalistic Pittsburgh Steelers by a 31 to 24 margin, the Green Bay Packers won the game that is at the heart of all things American.

Not letting on that they are an entity entirely owned by the people of Green Bay and not a corporation owned organization as are most football teams, the Socialist Packers have managed to ingratiate themselves deeply into the nations social fabric, psyches and pocketbooks over the years. This unusual partnership is a leftover from the early days of football when teams were sponsored and subsidized by the local community.

These were also the days before the public was made aware of the dangers of such Socialization by such stalwartly patriotic individuals and organizations as FOX News, Newt Gingrich, J. Edgar Hoover and the soon to be canonized Ronald Reagan. So canny was their rise in the public light that their semi-communist ways successfully slithered under the ever observant severe scrutiny of anti-Bolshevik demigods Hoover and Reagan.

Now this insidiously virulent form of anti-Capitalism is being celebrated through the most beloved sports event in America and being splashed jubilantly across every media venue possible, even the archly conservative FOX News.

FOX News, the sponsors of the Super Bowl, were embarrassed by their oversight. “Umm….mumbled Glenn Beck, “Well they do sell sweatshirts and pennants. That makes them sort of capitalistic.”

“At the price of their tickets I would say they are true blooded, patriotic, money sucking, all American gougers!” added Sean Hannity.

Others had harder things to say- “They should be packed up on the same Viking ship that brought them over and taken back to their Communist European homeland!” states Sarah Palin, official spokeswench (in her eyes anyway) for all things Conservative. “It is a horrible travesty for these social parasites to receive the adulation and money that they do from the American public.”

“They are not like me and my daughter Bristol who go around the country and work hard flappin’ our gums about bein’ patriotic and not getting knocked up!” It has been noted that Mrs. Palin has added her notorious cross-hair symbol over the town of Green Bay as being another target for Republicans to shoot for in the next election.

Newt Gingrich, lead miscreant of the Republican party voiced his concerns as well- “Football is a historic and time honored American institution which we cannot allow to be impregnated by dangerous Bolshevik foreign ideas such as Socialism. The Green Bay Packers need to be brought back into the fold by being taken over by a good, patriotic corporation such as AIG or Merrill Lynch or Goldman Sachs or one of our other fine, democratic capitalistic enterprises.”

“We can not have such a high profile group like the Packers being ‘owned by the people’ for God’s sake. If they will not do this, then I suggest sending in the National Guard to take control and letting them run things until a proper buyer could be found. We might consider moving the Packers to a more Red state for future games; Wisconsin has always been a pretty Commie state to begin with.”

“I personally think Illinois could use another team.” After making this statement Mr. Gingrich was informed by the FBI that a huge contingent of outraged Wisconsin hunters were heading out to use him as target practice.

Glossy tried to contact Green Bay officials to verify parts of this story but unfortunately the entire state of Wisconsin was too drunk to answer our calls.

In an effort to restore their public image after the shooting in Arizona and its aftermath, the Republican National Committee has put forth a proposal to produce a touring Wild West Show, starring leaders of the new conservative movement.

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh have already signed on, with many more right-wing pundits and politicos expected to follow their lead. The tour is being funded by the Koch brothers and sponsored by Wal-Mart, the NRA, and Premiere Radio Networks. Toby Keith and Ted Nugent will headline the musical acts. Read the full story

Nashville, TN-After spending years exercising her First Amendment rights to encourage the murder of someone who wasn’t a “real American,” Sarah Palin’s media career has taken a turn for the worse after several real Americans were murdered by an anti-government kook.

The unflappable Palin, feverishly working on her big comeback, is working in a Nashville booby bar, the next stop after her recent spread in Hustler magazine, for which she was reportedly paid a whopping $127.50, which was about what Larry Flynt thought she was worth. Read the full story