CHICAGO, Ill. (Glossy News) — Career urbanite and now President, Barack Obama, spoke before a group of hunters and outdoors-men in Boise, Idaho, in an attempt to solidify support from the over 225 million Americans who own firearms and of those who hunt.

Obama chose Boise because, in the words of his aide, “Mr. Obama wanted to return to the area where he hunted and killed Bigfoot on his last big game hunting expedition.” Read the full story

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Incensed Islamic extremists issued a fatwa early this evening against an American Muslim poodle named Crystal accused of breeding with an infidel St. Bernard named Herb. “Crystal has been seeing Herb at a local dog park on and off for several months,” said the courtesan canine’s owner, who strenuously requested anonymity. “One afternoon I lost sight of her… one thing led to another and, well, you know…” Read the full story

NORFOLK, Vir. – PETA has served notice to SeaWorld attorneys that it plans to file an amicus Delphinidae brief in a Florida district court on behalf of Tilikum, the so-called “killer whale,” who is suspected of drowning one of his trainers while attempting to turn her into sashimi.

“Though killer whales, also known as orcas, are considered whales by most people, they are actually members of the Delphinidae (dolphin) family,” said PETA co-founder and president, Ingrid Newkirk. “Therefore, Tilikum deserves to be tried as a dolphin.” Read the full story

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials. Read the full story

New York – In the current edition of The Nation magazine, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel charges that President Bush is personally responsible for burning California’s economy. Read the full story