New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor’s desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father’s brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader’s interest in pest and insect control. Read the full story

Cultural differences took front row this week when the monkey that made Iranian history by being the first living creature that they had successfully propelled into space and back was eaten at the post flight victory celebration.

After a lengthy and confusing speech by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a medal of honor was placed around the monkeys neck and he was quickly submerged into a boiling pot of oil. Read the full story

Natalie Klad, PETA Spokesman of the Greater Cincinnati area, says irresponsible and/or incompetent goldfish owners are contributing to the rise of unwanted goldfish overcrowding animal shelters across the country.

“I believe we all know what happens when you allow unprotected goldfish to have unregulated sex like a drunken Kardashian- lots of little baby goldfish.

And these unwanted goldfish are almost bound to end up being dumped at the local animal shelter or flushed like a deuce, another runner in the night.” Read the full story

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) announced this week an ambitious new initiative aimed at changing the way people perceive mules. The program was announced by PETA spokesperson Barb Arians in an emotional, sometimes acrimonious press conference. “This represents a confident new direction for PETA. We’ve long focused on getting everybody to go vegetarian. That hasn’t worked out too well yet.” Read the full story

CHICAGO, Ill. (Glossy News) — Career urbanite and now President, Barack Obama, spoke before a group of hunters and outdoors-men in Boise, Idaho, in an attempt to solidify support from the over 225 million Americans who own firearms and of those who hunt.

Obama chose Boise because, in the words of his aide, “Mr. Obama wanted to return to the area where he hunted and killed Bigfoot on his last big game hunting expedition.” Read the full story

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Incensed Islamic extremists issued a fatwa early this evening against an American Muslim poodle named Crystal accused of breeding with an infidel St. Bernard named Herb. “Crystal has been seeing Herb at a local dog park on and off for several months,” said the courtesan canine’s owner, who strenuously requested anonymity. “One afternoon I lost sight of her… one thing led to another and, well, you know…” Read the full story

NORFOLK, Vir. – PETA has served notice to SeaWorld attorneys that it plans to file an amicus Delphinidae brief in a Florida district court on behalf of Tilikum, the so-called “killer whale,” who is suspected of drowning one of his trainers while attempting to turn her into sashimi.

“Though killer whales, also known as orcas, are considered whales by most people, they are actually members of the Delphinidae (dolphin) family,” said PETA co-founder and president, Ingrid Newkirk. “Therefore, Tilikum deserves to be tried as a dolphin.” Read the full story

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials. Read the full story

New York – In the current edition of The Nation magazine, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel charges that President Bush is personally responsible for burning California’s economy. Read the full story