Tag Archive | "Olive Garden Extinction"

One Direction Alters Name in Honor of Extinct Restaurant Chain


New York City –

“Olive Garden you light up my tummy like nobody else,
The way your breadsticks are buttered gets me overwhelmed,
When I’m docile and out of pounds it ain’t hard to tell,
You don’t go,
Oh, oh,
You always know your baskets full”

These are lyrics from the band’s newest song “What Makes Your Baskets Full” as performed for the first time on Saturday Night Live this past weekend, honoring the beloved restaurant chain that featured never-ending breadstick baskets that once came complimentary with the purchase of any entree or as part of the soup and salad lunch option.

Following the appetizingly delicious performance, the band announced they will now be known as Bun Direction or BD for short, in honor of the creature that roamed the earth for more than 32 years before succumbing to extinction early last year.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Saturday Night Live’s creator, Lorne Michaels, from his New York City office he had customized to resemble an authentic Olive Garden restaurant. “I had been in touch with the band’s managers last year when the Olive Garden left our world and it was just a matter of timing as the band’s members loved putting the long and narrow items in their mouths more than anyone else,” Michaels added.

In addition to the updated number they plan on adding to their next album, Bake Me Home, expected to be released in March, Bun Direction has already been asked to perform at the Brit Awards on February 25th in their hometown of London (backyard for Niall James Horan who is from Ireland).

“Every time we sing this song, we can taste the smooth, buttery flavor on our lips,” the band said collectively in a recent interview with Alton Brown, creator and host of the Food Network show, Good Eats. “We hope this song, along with our new name, will ensure that the world will never forget,” the band added.

To download merchandise with the new logo and to download complete lyrics for “What Makes Your Baskets Full” please visit www.onedirectioninabun.com

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Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die


Washington, D.C. – Just when you thought the United States was safe again following the announcement that Sony Pictures had pulled the controversial movie, The Interview, from theatres, a new threat arrived from North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, early Friday morning.

In a short memo to President Obama, Kim Jong-un stated he was pleased the movie will not play in theatres, but was morbidly infuriated to learn that his favorite restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, is extinct and is no longer serving the fresh-baked breadsticks he enjoyed during his last visit. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (3)

Bread Bath & Beyond Unearths Ancient Toy in Corporate Warehouse


Union, New Jersey – Chief Inventory Specialist, Brandon Pitabeard of Bread Bath & Beyond’s corporate headquarters made an astonishing discovery Monday morning when he found a toy dating back to the era when Olive Garden’s roamed the earth, more than 226 days ago.

Pitabeard found the antiquated toy, while extracting the store’s seasonal supply of Kim Kardashian Khristmas trees from the corporate warehouse, featuring an extra large base and a picture of her and ex-husband Kris Humphries on the top. Read the full story

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Posted in Science, Science & TechnologizzyComments (3)

Breadfeeding: What You Need To Know


All across America, parents and their newborns have been latching onto the breadfeeding craze by using an excavated recipe from the ruins of the now extinct restaurant chain, the Olive Garden.

Many are being cautious with the new formula as they are supplementing their current nutritional plans with the fattening butter and garlic recipe made famous by Olive Garden’s once refillable breadstick baskets that came complimentary with the purchase of any entrée or as part of the soup, salad and breadstick option that was only available for lunchtime dining. Read the full story

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Marathon Winner Interrogated over Questions about his “Bread & Butter”


Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Officials overseeing the 31st Annual Bread N’ Basket Marathon held in downtown Philadelphia had several routine questions for this year’s winner, Breddie Murphy, after the 24-year-old won the race in a record time of 3 baskets and 7 sticks or 1 hour and 23 minutes, beating the previous record set by David Bredderman by almost 2 sticks or approximately 13 minutes.

“We question the winner of this prestigiously delicious race every year,” said lead official, Henry Bredgardener. Read the full story

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Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce


Baltimore, Maryland – “That’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship,” suspended NFL running back, Ray Rice, shouted to the media from his front doorstep, Friday morning, moments after seeing video footage of a couple in his own neighborhood discarding spoiled fruits and vegetables.

“Man, that couple needs a FoodSaver vacuum, stat!” Rice added, while shaking his hand loose after knocking out his 102-year-old blind neighbor because she told him that he was not as fast as he used to be. Read the full story

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New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain


Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.

“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).

“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.

While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.

“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.

“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.

The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.

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Posted in Science, TelevisionComments (5)

Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book


Pale Rock, Arkansas – Following a fishing trip to the serene estuaries between the Ozark and Ouachita Mountains where Oprah Winfrey manhandled some extremely large fish, the popular talk show host has released a new book detailing her experience. “It really was an amazing experience,” Oprah stated during a recent show in which she cleaned and gutted a 230 pound Mike Trout that she caught during her trip. “I’m not a huge fan of touching the guts, but this particular fish had much smaller balls, so it wasn’t an issue,” Winfrey added. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, EntertainmentComments (2)

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering: Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America


Pyongyang, North Korea – Co-stars for the upcoming film, The Interview, James Franco and Seth Rogen find themselves boiling in a scalding cauldron of steamy garlic butter this week after their recent peace offering to North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, failed to compensate for the unfavorable plot in the film.

“Whenever you make a movie about killing a highly revered leader of another country, especially one that follows a Communist regime, there is going to be breadlash,” said International Film Analyst, Henry Sourdough. Read the full story

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War ZoneComments (2)

Johnny Depp Unveils Breadlocks as Disney Announces Latest Sequel


Burbank, California – The Walt Disney Company made an exciting announcement over the weekend promoting their latest sequel in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise that doubles as a poignant tribute to the recently extinct Olive Garden restaurant chain.

Johnny Depp spoke from a podium outside of Walt Disney Studios on Riverside Drive, dressed in his distinctive pirate costume with a new twist to his hairstyle that he referred to as “breadlocks.” Read the full story

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Screwdriver Borrowed, Returned


Reading, Pennsylvania – At least one professional is dumbfounded following the completion of two transactions between neighbors in the dorms of Albright College on North 13th Street.

Students Sean Chaigarvsky and Michael Kellner have lived next to one another for less than a year, but recently exchanged a tool with a cross-shaped tip as part of an initiative to fix a loose bedpost.

“It really was not that complicated,” Chaigarvsky stated to reporters who were interested in the motivation behind the transaction. Read the full story

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