New York, NY- On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s initial inception of the Invisible Hand. Ever since Smith coined the term in his work The Theory of Moral Sentiments, economic policy makers have captured the Invisible Hand and subject it to what is known in the meteorological field as “the shadow test.”

Al Roker explains “The [shadow] test is one of the most hallowed scientific institutions of all time. Groundhogs prove to be the most useful in meteorology, but a wide array of shadows can be used to determine a number of different unforeseen outcomes. Unfortunately for Wall Street, the Invisible Hand has seen its shadow quite regularly for the past decade.”

It has been reported that the primary reason for Austan Goolsbee’s inability to properly ascertain rises and falls in the economy, ultimately leading to his resignation, was in most part due to his disbelief in this sacred practice.

“Austan’s a smart guy, but there are some things that just work,” explains Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning Professor of Economics at Princeton University.

“The shadow test lets us build a road map for the year to come. Without it, we would all be pretty much shooting in the dark. How in the hell are we supposed to know what people are going to do with their money? Just the other day I bought a Kindle when I already had a Nook, who does that?”

Economic policy makers in the White House have already been hard at work to limit the effects forecast by the Invisible Hand, but has met stern opposition from Tea Party members. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has been one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics. Ryan asserts that “Obama can’t possibly think he’s powerful enough to take on the Invisible Hand of Economics. I mean, it has built and destroyed empires. The Invisible Hand will always prevail against socialist tyrants, all hail the Invisible Hand.”

Despite the ominous warnings issued by the 18th century metaphor, Americans seem to be optimistic. A recent Gallup Poll showed that only 3 percent of Americans believed that they believed the hand’s predictions to be true while the other 97 percent responded “invisible what? Is it like a stranger?”

So far, reports have not been confirmed that another shadow test will be administered any time soon. Krugman continued, “This is science, you can’t just try it over again to see if you get different results. That’s not how reproducible observation works. That would be like using a Magic 8 Ball.”

People who make up the richest 1% of the world’s population and who already own 98% of the world’s wealth were shocked to learn today that they could not have the last 2% of the wealth that belonged to the other 99% of the people.

“Why, I just don’t understand it,” said Mrs. Sarah Bueford, major shareholder of Bueford Electric, the monopoly that controls all of the power for the states in the southeast part of the U.S. “After all, we are the elite of this world. By reason of the fact that we are the upper class of the world, we should own everything there is!” Read the full story

DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.

Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady. Read the full story

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes “substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011.”

In the panel’s report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure. Read the full story

Tippy Toe, LA (GlossyNews) — Amos Moses, an old Cajun who lives by his self in the swamp, hunts alligators for a livin, he just knock ‘em in the head with a stomp, was fined 100 clams yesterday for tossing an old soup can from his truck window in plain sight of a Louisiana Sheriff.

As the black tide known as the BP oil disaster crept closer to shore, it was easily seen behind Moses as he stood on the side of the gravel road Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s top wine bars on Tuesday. Read the full story

The United States Government has started a unique new policy of retracting the citizenship of Corporate CEO’s and executives who believe they are above the law of the country. This has made an entire upper echelon of American business essentially ‘men without a country’.

Many of those acting at the top levels of corporations in the world have shown complete disregard for the laws of the nation their firms are based in. They have done such things as enacting practices that knowingly pollute the natural surroundings of their land, paying below par wages to those working in their establishments, Read the full story

It is reported that a man in Germany did more than borrow a cup of sugar when he asked his neighbor to impregnate his wife for $2,500.

Demetrius Soupolos was sterile and unable to have children with his former beauty-queen wife, Truate. He offered to pay his neighbor, Frank Maus, who looked like him and had a couple kids as proof that his boys could swim, $2,500 to knock up his wife. However, after 72 sexual encounters over a six-month period, Maus failed to put a baby into Truate’s belly. Read the full story

The long lasting recession has caused in many a belief that money no longer has any value.

“What good is it to waste my whole day getting ready for work, going to work, working, going home from work, then spending the rest of my night recovering from work? I might just as well live in a refrigerator box and have my time free.” stated Eli Zacomin, laborer.

Many seem to agree with this idea. Read the full story

Since the dawn of time, men (and women) –- after their biological needs were met – have been searching for this illusive happiness. Mankind pursues happiness with vigor. Everyone wants it: it is even written within our constitution. As a state and a subject, happiness has been pursued and commented on extensively throughout world history. This reflects the universal importance that humans place on happiness. However, even as we universally looking for happiness, our philosophies on how to get there diverge. Some people believe that happiness resides in money. Read the full story