Tag Archive | "miley cyrus"

Miley Cyrus Complains About Dwindling Number of Ways to Shock Audiences


San Francisco – At a recent concert stop at the “City by the Bay”, pop nuisance Miley Cyrus whined that it’s getting too hard to shock audiences at her shows these days and that Madonna and Lady Gaga have racked up most of the good shock value over the years. Miley feels cheated.

“It’s so hard y’all! I mean, yeah, I’m a freak and all, but I’m running out of ideas that will leave my fans shaking their heads in disgust when they leave my concerts!”

The former Disney airhead went on to say she couldn’t outdo Gaga on outfits so she’s headed the other direction, thinking the less she wears, the better. Read the full story

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Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’


My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America’s most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley’s quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom. Read the full story

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Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction


Los Angeles, California – Since her celebrated beginnings in Nashville, Tennessee, as the daughter of country singer, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus has experienced a radiant career that has taken her from the Disney Channel to the big stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards to her current role as an outside consultant for the United States Army.

“I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she decides to run for President one day,” proclaimed Sergeant Dennis Hoppler, who has followed Miley’s career from the beginning when she portrayed a Girl Scout cookie seller in the film, Little Bitches, starring Mickey Rourke and Madonna. Read the full story

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“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge


The Mouse has had enough.

Within his realm, The Mouse would be written THE MOUSE, but here on this satire site we are safe from his surveillance and what could be misconstrued as a sign of disrespect.

At least for now, that is.

For years The Mouse has watched as young upstarts have corroded the Empire that he and his Master have so carefully and painstakingly put together. Read the full story

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Miley Cyrus to Undergo Sex Change Operation


Twerking, gyrating, Wrecking Ball queen Mile Cyrus announced today that she is secretly a man and will be undergoing a sex-change operation at the end of July.

“I have never felt comfortable as a woman”, Cyrus told reporters. “Guys just seem to have all the fun! Come July I want to be able to pee standing up!”

Cyrus fans expressed shock at the diva’s revelation. “I had no idea she was really a guy!” said 19 year old Fritz Callahan. “I mean, I saw her masturbating on her latest video! I saw her naked on the wrecking ball! I just can’t believe it!”

Cyrus apologized to her fans but says she just has to be what she is.

“I’m a guy”, Cyrus continued. “I want to drink beer and watch the game with the guys. I want to cut myself shaving. I’m sick of putting on makeup and pretending I’m a girl!”

Cyrus says she has already traded in her panties for men’s briefs and boxers and has started taking testosterone supplements.

“All I have to do now is start working out and make myself buff”, she stated.

Meanwhile, ‘retired’ pop star Justin Bieber announced today that he plans on becoming a woman. “Miley and I are going to switch places”, the pop star said.

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Psychic Predicts Top Entertainment News Stories of 2014


Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again when the famous Psychic to the stars, Crystal Ball, gives us a peek into the future. This time, she is narrowing her predictions down to the music and entertainment industry. Ball claims that twerking (the sexually provocative dance craze sweeping the nation–at least the part of the nation that dwells in trailer parks) will, once again, dominate music headlines.

So, without further adieu, here are Crystal Ball’s predictions for the top ten stories of 2014: Read the full story

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31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance


New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.

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Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball


Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed “Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus.”

Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus. Read the full story

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World Disappointed Apocalypse Didn’t Come December 2012


It is hard to believe that is has been almost a year since the world ended December 21, 2012. There are plenty of memories we would all like scrubbed from our brains over the past year. Here are just a few in a long list of forgettable moments.

December 4, 2013: NBC News states that America is “21th in Science.” It was to everyone’s surprise that the USA ranked 17th in Reading. This was proof of the ever declining IQ of the average American. Read the full story

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Miley Cyrus Stoned For Being A Whore in Saudi Arabia


The private jet of Miley Cyrus, the young formerly squeaky clean Mouseketeer turned rich white trash singer, developed electrical problems flying back from a concert in India and was forced to make an emergency landing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

The plane was to have been down for only four hours for repair, but Cyrus was picked up by the Moral Police for indecency when she started singing and strutting her stuff at the airport to entertain her roadies and passerby’s. Read the full story

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Student Not Traumatized After Sex With Teacher


15-year-old Josh Hanby claims he was not at all traumatized after having sex with his 27-year-old French Teacher Ms. Elaine Francois and actually seemed to enjoy the experience.

“Man, it was fricking great!” Hanby stated. “She’s smokin hot! I’d do her again if she wasn’t locked up!”

Despite Hanby’s obvious enjoyment of the experience, law enforcement personnel were notified and Ms Francois has been arrested for statutory rape of a person under 16. If convicted she faces a minimum of 5 years behind bars and will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life.

Police say that on April 13 of this year Hanby stopped off at Ms Francois residence for some “private tutoring” in French. During the tutoring session Hanby made mention of the size of Ms Francois’ breasts and put his hand on her thigh. Things quickly escalated out of control until the two engaged in a torrid act of copulation.

Hanby’s father said he didn’t think Ms. Francois should be incarcerated. “That boy has not stopped smiling since it happened!” the father declared. “His grades are going up, he’s more attentive at school, he’s participating in sports and he’s the envy of all his friends!”

Psychologists have determined that regardless of the young man’s initial experience, he will suffer trauma later in life. “Sex at such a young age could result in psychosis, hallucinations and a host of psychological problems”, said childhood psychologist Barry Carne. “To maintain good mental health a child should remain a virgin until at least 17”.

Meanwhile, the young Hanby has started dating 16-year-old cheerleader Vanessa Bertalucci. “Now if I get laid it will be legal. At least until she turns 18”, the young man stated.

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Miley Cyrus Bongs are a Hit This Christmas


In this era of economic uncertainty, it’s easy to forget that millionaire child traffickers have it rough sometimes too. So the struggles of Miley Cyrus, Inc. have been a sadly ignored story, supplanted in the news by stuff about families sleeping in cars at Wal-Mart parking lots, those selfish media hogs.

At issue has been how exactly to turn some bucks off the allegedly talented Cyrus, now that she is attaining adulthood. Read the full story

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Infamous Miley Cyrus ‘Up Skirt’ Photo to Appear on Postage Stamp


The US Postal Service Postmaster General, Melvis P. Phelps, introduced the new Miley Cyrus Upskirt Postage Stamp to a mostly stunned and open mouthed crowd of reporters. Over the hushed crowd, he immediately tried to explain the importance of bringing newer, more youthful stamp collectors and users into the US Postal system.

“Look folks, with the newer generations of consumers, we have to try to approach things on their terms. They like seeing their movie actors and singing stars look like sluts, right?” Read the full story

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Miley Cyrus Keynote Speaker at Exhibitionists’ Convention


SAN FRANCISCO, Kalifornia (GlossyNews) — Underage puddy cat queen, Miley Cyrus, who stunned her ‘tween fans by climbing out of a convertible in front of hundreds of paparazzi wearing a skin-tight mini dress with no underwear, is keynote speaker at this years Flasher’s convention and Flash-in held in a seedy park near downtown L.A. Read the full story

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Miley Cyrus: My Vagina Now More Popular than Jesus


NASHVILLE, Tenn. (GlossyNews) — After blowing the top off the entertainment world by exposing her bottom, a la Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus has come up with another stunner to draw media attention to herself, a la John Lennon: she claims her vagina is now more popular than Jesus.

During a recent press conference in which Cyrus touted her new CD, “Can’t Be Tamed,” Cyrus was asked about the mounting popularity of her underage underworld, recently flashed around the Internet after she allegedly exited a vehicle in front of paparazzi cameras while not wearing panties. Read the full story

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Stupid Adventure Girl Feared Safe


ANTOFAGASTA, Chile (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

OK, when that little boy climbed Everest, we thought it was sweet. He was with his Poppy, and there’s a mob of helpers and guides on those trips. I’m not discounting the achievement in any way, but you have to admit? Getting rich people to the top of Everest is about the only cash business in Nepal. Give those Sherpas $20K, they’ll carry you to the summit piggy back. I’m not saying anything we don’t all know, right?

But this dumb broad who has herself stranded in the Indian Ocean, that’s totally different. I’ll tell you one thing? That chica is lucky Maria and Consuela Lopez aren’t on the rescue fleet headed her way. We’d jerk her bald headed. Read the full story

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