Tag Archive | "kids"

Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End


Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way


DERRY, NH—Despite repeated warnings from his parents, an area boy kept going cross-eyed, and now his face is stuck that way.

“We warned him,” stated Sheryl Mackey, the mother of the now handicapped-looking child. “We told him if he kept doing it his face would get stuck that way. And it did. Just like we said.”

“I didn’t believe them,” said downtrodden nine-year-old Greg Mackey, his eyeballs spastically twitching inward. “I thought they were just trying to scare me.” Read the full story

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Toddler Tells Parent to “Shut Up” (comic)


If you ever have the misfortune of sprouting offspring, you’ll know what I mean when I say they can get pretty lippy, and mighty quickly at that. Pretty much as soon as they learn to talk, they know how to talk back.

You can punch them in the mouth, but if you do, send me your address, because I might like a few forceful words with you for having done that… they’re kids, you can’t get mad for their behavior. You mold them into who they are. If they swear, it’s because you taught them to swear. If they tell you to shut up, well, I’ll get to that. Read the full story

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Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos


Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market.

Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all planned locations will be on floating river barges or tribal land, and they plan to file as 501(c)(4) “social welfare organizations,” they are expected to avoid legal scrutiny. Read the full story

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Toddler Avidly Ruining Around Three Books A Week


INDIANAPOLIS – Despite the inherent allure of mainstream video games, Marvel action figures and children’s television, 3-year-old Nathan LaPlant still manages to find the time to graffiti, on average, three books a week, say the child’s parents.

While his older brother Dane is routinely playing soccer in the back yard, little Nathan is said to be more than happy just sitting down with a copy of Spot’s Greatest Adventure, a book he has now torn the shit out of seven times. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz ZoneComments (1)

Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads


The Ohio State Board of Education is set to vote on a new policy aimed at curbing violence in Ohio schools by introducing head lice to K-12 campuses statewide.

The vote comes on the heels of a similar decision by the Montpelier Board of Education, which approved a measure to release head lice onto K-12 students of the Williams County School District earlier this year.

School officials say the decision to voluntarily infest Ohio students is aimed at preventing incidents of violence among students relying on on “a proven method with roots predating human history.”

“Look, if you’re like most people, just hearing the word ‘lice’ makes you want to scratch,” said Harry Pickens, Public Relations Director for the Ohio Department of Education.

“But guess what?” he asked, inspecting my head carefully. “You get used to it! Head lice aren’t harmful. They aren’t dangerous. They don’t spread disease, or cause injury. They’re not even unsanitary! In fact, they are most happy when living, feeding and reproducing on a regularly cleaned human head.

“But more importantly,” Pickens continued, smoothing my hair back into place, “the act of social grooming – picking lice out of each other’s hair, for example – is a crucial activity among social creatures like primates and humans, and has been for tens of millions of years. It reinforces social structures and family links, and helps build relationships. Social grooming is even a basis for reconciliation and conflict resolution.

“Mark my words: That’s just the sort of thing that’s going to keep these kids from shooting each other someday,” he said, scratching.

“Not to nit-pick, but when we wage a war on head lice and win, we actually lose, because a fundamental method of building human relationships dies along with them,” concluded Pickens. “The only clear winners here are the shampoo companies.”

While the Board of Education’s plan gets under the skin of some Ohio residents, others find it less irritating than previous alternatives.

Ohio native Morgan Lingonberry of Defiance County had this to say:

“When I was a kid, the teacher stuffed a sock in my mouth, duct-taped my hands and feet together, and threw me in a plywood box down the hall when I misbehaved in class. But, who knows? Maybe if the girl that sat behind me in math class had been picking bugs out of my hair, it would have calmed me down a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have gotten into nearly so much trouble.”

The Ohio Association of School Nurses’ position on the issue: “Studies have shown that head lice are not harmful to anything but our delicate sensibilities. There is clearly an unnecessary social stigma surrounding these hapless blood-sucking vermin. If having lice didn’t result in social judgment, we probably wouldn’t even care about them at all.

“On the other hand, studies have also shown that mutual grooming is a precursor to coitus and pair bonding, so the Ohio school board will probably need to balance their efforts by handing out lots of condoms to lice-infested teens.”

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Posted in Education, HealthComments (1)

Children’s Museum Launches Terrifying ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ Exhibit


INDIANAPOLIS – Ahead of its busy Halloween season this month, The Children’s Museum of Indianapolis today piloted a terrifying exhibit in which children were subjected to re-enacted scenes from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Offering families a special $5 discount, museum officials said they hoped to put on “an extravaganza that kids could remember for years to come”, adding that “this (exhibit) would be more than just your usual haunted house. Kids will walk away from this experience feeling legitimately petrified”. Read the full story

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Fewer Trick-Or-Treaters Than 20 Years Ago, Lament Nation’s Pedophiles


INDIANAPOLIS – Ahead of this year’s Halloween, the nation’s pedophiles lamented Monday the relatively low number of children seen trick-or-treating on the streets in recent years.

Recalling a time when groups of young children would freely mobilize between houses in search of candy, sex offenders from across the country laid blame on the media and its “whirlwind of paranoia” for the apparent decline in trick-or-treaters. Read the full story

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Roving Bands of Children Rule Chicago


CHICAGO- While the teachers strike is in full swing, the closing of public schools has allowed roving bands of children to compete for supremacy on Chicago’s streets. While reports are unclear which group has gained the most territory, it is understood that there are power struggles through out the city.

The children, ranging from ages 5 to 17, have organized themselves in to small militia groups based on preexisting gang affiliations. Read the full story

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Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute


In major concessions by both sides, boy agrees to stop touching sister’s stuff in exchange for her ceasing to refer to him as “Snot Face.” 

SPOKANE, WA – Negotiators are expressing hopes for a new era of reconciliation and peaceful coexistence between eight-year-old Timmy Martin and his seven-year-old sister Lisa following a landmark agreement that resolved contentious issues of privacy and naming rights which had long divided the strife-torn siblings. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz ZoneComments (2)

Computer Beats Kids at Candy Land… Holy Terrorbytes, Batman!


IBM is at it again, but this time their target for domination isn’t aimed at nerdy trivia buffs or intimidating chess masters. No, its electronic jaws are now chomping at the bit to take a megabyte out of sweet innocent little children.

The big story in science and technology this past week was the defeat of Jeopardy! champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter by a supercomputer named Watson. Read the full story

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Science & TechnologizzyComments (0)

The Baby Dictionary .com Shows What Kids Really Say


Satire is a notable medium, and it’s thus called because it’s neither rare nor well done, and well, we see a lot of new entries into the game each week, but few so clever as TheBabyDictionary.com. They do things a bit different than us, and a bit subtler at that, and they serve the genre well. Read the full story

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Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score


APPLETON, WI (GlossyKidsNews) – Despite attempts of wooing potential dates with dazzling wit and humor, Appleton East High School sophomore and champion “mathlete” Jon Henderson, appears to be striking out at love. “Girls should be throwing themselves at me after hearing my jokes about pi,” he complained yesterday. “They all took geometry last year, they should get it!” Read the full story

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Chocolate-Face “Hershey Guy” Makes Race Accusation


I’m not a racist and I know that because I don’t know what racism is. I have friends who run, friends who don’t run, and friends who don’t even appreciate running. That’s about the extent of my understanding of “the race” thing. You can imagine my surprise when I asked where my “chocolate face” friend was, and everybody around me looked all aghasty-like. Read the full story

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“E-Coli Closes Petting Zoos” Says Captain Obvious


Parents should not allow young children to touch animals at petting zoos around the Southampton area of the south coast of England, a Porton Down germ warfare centre microbiologist advised a reporter from the Daily Shitraker amid fears of an E-coli 0157 epidemic beating the forecast Sneezy Pig H1N1 flu pandemic to the starting post. Read the full story

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Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews


Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush – New Labour’s Minister for Orwellian Studies – to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Read the full story

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