Tag Archive | "journalism"

Rupert Murdoch Admits FOX News Began as Political Satire


In a recent interview with Glossy News, media tycoon Rupert Murdoch confessed a bit of an inside joke that has kept him smiling to himself for over 18 years – The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.

“I was originally going to call it the ‘Wrong Side of History Channel’, but I feared that would give away the joke,” Murdoch chuckled. Read the full story

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Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable


Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism, Television, Top StoriesComments (0)

Toy Mandibles Empower Weak-Jawed Masses


Dateline: LOS ANGELES—There’s a hot new product that’s flying off the shelves. It’s called Gravitas Jaws and it consists of a crude plastic mandible bone that’s worn over your lower jaw like a beard, except that this piece of plastic has the power to force everyone to take you seriously for no good reason. Read the full story

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Holy Lord, We’re the 2nd Longest Running Satire Site


“Holy tap-dancing Christ,” said editor Brian K. White on Monday, when he realized that GlossyNews.com is in fact the second longest running satire site on the internet.

“There were so many greats that came before us, and sure it was just by a narrow margin, but they did beat us,” said White. “And I know a lot of the other ones fell [offline], but I didn’t realize it was down to just us and The Onion.” Read the full story

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Posted in Internets TubesComments (7)

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom


New figures show the continuing decline of print newspaper circulation all over the world.

Circulation is down a further 15% from last year’s figures, meaning that fewer people are buying a newspaper.

Professor John McDonald, department head of the scientific study of journalism said: “It would appear that the figures show fewer people are purchasing newspapers, which will mean less papers are sold”. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (4)

Fox News to Add Laugh Track


NEW YORK CITY, NY – The Fox News Network has announced plans to include a laughter track in its daily broadcasts in an effort to aid viewers, who have reportedly struggled to decipher between the show’s serious and humorous segments.

Fox News, a key endeavor of the Rupert Murdoch media enterprise, has aired daily since 1996, and is famous for presenting its “surreal and often hilarious” news agenda in a stylized deadpan manner. Read the full story

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Freaking Journalist Agitates Candidates, Deemed “Terrorist”


Police are on the look out for a rouge freelance journalist suspected of reckless disregard of media protocol and assault with a rhetorical question. The unknown journalist first struck at a Romney campaign stop in New Hampshire and asked about rumors of undisclosed offshore wealth. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, PoliticsComments (2)

Juan Williams vs Byron Williams – A Real Snapshot of Media Bias


Lets call this the case of two Williams.

It is a case study in the state of the journalism system in this country. Everyone has heard of the case of Juan Williams getting fired by NPR over some lukewarm comments he made about being nervous seeing traditional Muslims boarding the same airplane he was using. FOX News made sure the whole world knew about it. An interesting side to this is that there is a much more vivid story about another Williams that didn’t get near as much media play, but yet was more dramatic. Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (13)

Video Surfaces of Missing Glossy News Journalist


SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning. Read the full story

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The Helen Thomas ‘Chair of Journalism’ Award


WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Who’ll be chosen to fill Helen Thomas’s front row seat in the White House briefing room? With serious, big-time lobbying in full-out high dudgeon between Fox and Bloomberg, something has to give soon.

It seems to be slowly pointing to the man with the most — whoa here now — this just in … it looks like it is going to be announced in a minute or two that Fox will win out after all.

Public word from this just-released WHCA press release that Team Murdoch/Ailes have won, with their [secret] submission of the name that will fill that front row seat. Read the full story

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Helen Thomas Forced to Wear Scarlet Letter and Apologize


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Cantankerous malcontent and ex-reporter Helen Thomas, who recently had an unfortunate run-in with the Jewish-owned American media when she accidentally reminded everyone that Palestine is an occupied territory, is the latest celebrity forced to wear the scarlet letter “A.” A for Anti-Zionist. Read the full story

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Glossy News Journalist Missing in South America


San Vincente, Bolivia (GlossyNews) — Reporters Without Borders spokesperson Kay O’Varian today announced fears about the fate of legendary Glossy News writer Blake Pennywhistle. “We all know Blake. He’s like an Edward R. Murrow in our profession, except half-drunk all the time and with the vocabulary of a developmentally challenged twelve year old. And we all know his bad breath could knock over a statue, but this just isn’t like him, dropping off the radar suddenly and completely.”

Ms. O’Varian went on to address the prevalent rumor swirling around the famed journalist’s abrupt disappearance. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Once You’ve Had Tiger, You Can’t Go Back


I rushed into the conference room where my colleagues had gathered to discuss potential stories to publish in the next day’s newspaper. As the editor, Oscar sat at the head of the table, gulping down a cup of foul-smelling coffee, he leaned towards Mel, a senior reporter, flipping through a color-tabbed notebook. “What have you got?”

“Fire at the civic building downtown. Fifteen confirmed dead. Cause of fire unknown, but arson is suspected.”
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